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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To turn up on my absent fathers doorstep

19 replies

Nappa · 07/05/2018 17:41

Hi all, I need a bit of advice please...

I have been estranged from my father for a very long time, as far as I am aware he stopped visiting for good when I was 5/6. I have a decent relationship with his side of the family like my Nan and auntie but he cut them all off years ago too and has ignored all their attempts of contacting him. So through them I do sort of have access to the family medical history etc.

As I have gotten older and people have been more honest with me when I have questioned them, it has become apparent that I wasn’t planned. Turns out that he never wanted children and my mum came off birth control when she was 17 as she desired a family with him. Allegedly he begged her for a termination (obviously she refused).

Auntie has said that tried his best to be a father, they broke up completely before my first birthday and he would pay child support and visit for an hour or two every week. Eventually that stopped completely when I was ariund 5-6. He continued to pay a decent amount of CS.

I was told that he married a ‘family friend’ and that a few of our family are still on friendly terms with her. I also know that she still lives in the same town! I wonder if she might have been why he cut all communication with us? Just speculation though.

I am now 19 and I decided to try and contact him. After doing some digging (not even that much, just facebook and 192) I believe I have found him! His last name is different but he is married to a woman who shares the same first name as this ‘family friend’, they live in the same town as me AND I have some photos of him holding me as a baby and the face is so similar. I honestly am 99.9% sure that I have the right guy.

I tried messaging him on facebook but then his account disappeared, I searched for him using my friends account (with their permission of course!) and I found him, so it looks like he read my message and then blocked me.

I did a search and paid for address information in 192, and now I wonder if I should turn up and try to speak with him. I am not after anything, just a chance to try and get to know my father.

I have been told to leave it by the family as he has known where we lived (we havent moved in my lifetime) and has not tried to reach out, but some of my friends have said that I don’t know his side of the story and there could be more to what I have been told.

Sorry for the long post...

AIBU to just turn up at my fathers door? Or should I just write a letter and hope that I get a response?

OP posts:

Overgrownyard · 07/05/2018 17:45

You won't get a response. He has made it abundantly clear, you are only torturing yourself by trying to force the issue i'm really sorry that this is your situation, you clearly long for answers or apologies or his presence, but I think perhaps focus on you... some counselling also? Heed your families advice.

dinosaursandtea · 07/05/2018 17:45

He doesn’t want to tell you his side of the story, though. He doesn’t want to see you. That’s awful and his loss, but I don’t think you can change his mind.

dididididi · 07/05/2018 17:45

He sounds like an absolute dick and I think you will just hurt yourself if you push things. It depends what you want - if you want a relationship then forget it. He knows you exist and just doesn't care, so do you really want him in your life with that in mind?

If you want answers or an explanation, you probably won't get those either. He read your message and blocked you so that tells you all you need to know.

I know someone who was adopted and tried to get in touch with his birth father 25 years later. His biological father slammed the door in his face.

Seriously, you're better off without him.

aaarrrggghhhh · 07/05/2018 17:48

You could write a letter just so you feel that you have done what you can do to open a relationship. But it sounds like you should be realistic that it is very unlikely he will respond.

I suggest counselling as well as all this very difficult to deal with.

Take care of yourself.

Bluelady · 07/05/2018 17:49

He's sending a pretty clear message here that he doesn't want to be involved with you in any way. Hard as that is to accept, it's his choice and it will only hurt you if you keep pursuing this. Let sleeping dogs lie.

YaBasic · 07/05/2018 17:52

Oh lovey, I think you're onto a lost cause here. I would not turn up at his doorstep unless you want to be rejected face-to-face. Clearly however, you need closure. I would write a letter to the partner, explaining that after 14 years of non-contact that you are not seeking cash, an organ or a roof over your head..you simply would appreciate the courtesy of having a few questions being answered to gain that closure/to confirm he still wants no involvement at all. But I think he's made his position clear and you deserve so so much better.

Original poster

Nappa · 07/05/2018 17:53

I guess I already feel like the door as been metaphorically slammed in my face already, so the risk of rejection might have been worth any potential answers.

I just don’t understand how someone can just walk away from their own flesh and blood. He has everyone almost making excuses for him and I just can’t understand why.

I have a work based counselling scheme, I will give them a ring this week. Thank you for the advice everyone. I think I just needed to hear the truth from people who has no involvement in this.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/05/2018 17:54

Don't do it to yourself. Whoever told you he did his best to be a father clearly has very low self-esteem and boundaries herself. He did an absolute rubbish job and then he did no job at all.

You deserve so much more than this man. Focus on the relations who love you and treat you well. Only tolerate good behaviour in partners in the future - at the first sign of a deadbeat or dead loss guy, tell him to sling his hook.

Lovebeingmama · 07/05/2018 17:54

He sounds an arse and a coward. So, this is all about you and what you need for closure. Maybe you need to see him face to face, even if it is to tell you in person he doesn’t want to know. If you decide you need this though id be mentally prepared for rejection. The rejection of a parent, even one that is absent needs some coming to terms with, so you might want to get some help to process this.
I’m sorry op. It’s tough when it feels like a parent rejects you, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. It’s his problem though, not a reflection of you. Take care x

Anasnake · 07/05/2018 17:57

I suspect his wife knows nothing about you

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/05/2018 18:00

He sounds like an absolute dick and I think you will just hurt yourself if you push things

I don't understand why he's 'a dick' ? He didn't want the pregnancy, he was tricked:

*Turns out that he never wanted children and my mum came off birth control when she was 17 as she desired a family with him. Allegedly he begged her for a termination (obviously she refused)... yeah yeah, ets not go up the coulda/shoulda/woulda condom route, clearly he believed contraceptive matters were taken care of.

Op, so very hard for you, but he doesn't want you in his life, yes it probably is his loss, but he isn't going to change. Any anger here should be reserved for your mother really. She did a cruel thing.

TeisanLap · 07/05/2018 18:01

I suspect his wife knows nothing about you

She must. She knew the family.

Starlight2345 · 07/05/2018 18:01

My Ds (much younger than you ) days he wants an hour with his dad so he can give him some answers . His dad hasn’t seen him since he was three. I know his dad and know he will never get the answers you are looking for. I suspect the same will be for you.

I think you are hoping there is some explanation as to why he let you down so badly . It’s because he was /is a crap dad.

I agree with the others bad idea , he blocked you on fb this is not someone who wants to have any sort of relationship . You will end up more hurt. I say to my son focus on those who do want to know us.

TeisanLap · 07/05/2018 18:03

Op, I’m really sorry this is happening to you but it’s not going to make you feel any better if we tell you what your birth father is. So, instead of that I’m just going to say you’re in my thoughts and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/05/2018 18:10

The truth is, OP, even if he agreed to talk to you, which he won't, he doesn't have any answers for you. The precise details of who and when and how old don't really matter: what it comes down to is that he didn't want a baby with your mum and he has chosen not to be your father. He has no answers for you beyond that. Please don't do it - you'll hurt yourself for no purpose.

The only answers and closure you can get are in accepting for yourself that unfortunately your biological father is a weak and selfish man, but that that fact doesn't reflect on you and doesn't have to hold you back.

Lovebeingmama · 07/05/2018 18:13

He’s a dick because if he was that bothered he should have worn a condom. Instead he leaves a child yearning for a father and pretends she doesn’t exist.

Original poster

Nappa · 07/05/2018 18:17

Yeah she knows I exist, my aunt says that she just wasn’t that big into kids either. I don’t believe I have any half-siblings through them.

NewYear, I think that is why no one has really spoken to ill of him, they just say that it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t cope and that he tried his best. I am not angry at my mum because she has done a great job of raising me and without her, I wouldn’t exist. It just annoys me though because everyone makes him out to be so funny and witty and smart, a lot of the family say I look and act just like him and and yet I will never get to see the similarities myself. Just makes me sad.

Starlight, I couldn’t imagine walking away from my family like that. I honestly hope that your son gets some form of closure, even if it is just a few minutes of conversation. That is all I want too.

I had hoped that since my father didn’t want kids, we could bond as I am not a kid anymore.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 07/05/2018 18:27

If he was open to contact with you, then he wouldn't have blocked you the moment you contacted him on facebook. That is not the action of a man who is open to meeting you at all. I would think the chances of him answering questions about why he didn't want to be involved as your father if you turn up on his doorstep are nil. If you do turn up, I think you can expect to meet an aggressive and angry man who wants nothing to do with you. Surely that would just be painful for you? There really aren't any reasons why it was okay that he disappeared from your life, so nothing he says is going to make it okay. I'm sure it is very hard, but I would try to accept that you aren't going to get answers from him.

ThePants999 · 07/05/2018 18:35

You've already turned up on his digital doorstep, and he slammed the door in your face. Why do you think turning up on his physical doorstep is now sensible? Nothing good will come of this for anyone.

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