Has DH taught DS to need someone to play with?

[CyrilFawlty]

Ds is 6. He has plenty of toys - fewer than most of his friends - but, really, plenty. Lego, nerf guns, board games, cars, car tracks, and various other random bits of tut. He has loads of books (not really able to read to himself yet) and pencils and paper. My view is that kids need to learn to entertain themselves. And to do that, they need to be bored. Not all the time, but some of the time. And that - while I love playing with my kids - there are jobs to be done like cooking and cleaning and they should help a bit and amuse themselves a bit. I also have a teenage dd, and I was on my own with her for years - so there was no choice. So she learned to amuse herself. Again, not all the time, but some of the time.
Anyway, DP for some reason, feels the need to amuse ds. So, this weekend, they have been to the park two or three times on each day. Because ds says he is bored and do would rather go to the park than either tell him to go play, or do something with him at home. We have a perfectly lovely garden. Not massive, but big enough to have a kick about or play with a bat and ball. But he won't stay in. If it's the winter, he puts on telly or gives him computer games. I feel like ds is being taught to need someone's attention, and not to be imaginative or self-sufficient. It's very annoying. But AIBU?

No. My husband is exactly the same and it drives me mad.

I don’t have a solution I’m afraid

Yep my 7 year old is awful. It all started when I was pregnant with my second child. I was poorly throughout and DP amused him all the time.

3 years on, its hell. Can not get anything done but we are trying to get him to amuse himself. It’s just taking a while.

Glad it's not just in our house. I just don't think dp thinks it is a problem. And "you take him out too much" sounds crazy.

My six year old is the same. DP says he doesn’t get a minutes to himself when it’s just the two of them yet I manage to shower, cook ... Just tell him to play for ten minutes!

Let me get this right, today is uttlerly glorious weather, the hottest spring bank holiday recorded - this comes after the worst summer last year I can remember, a cold a miserable winter, and damp spring, whilst wearing woolly hats and getting the winter coats back out 7 days ago, you are complaining because your DH is spending time with your child?

Much as I hate the trite phrase 'making memories' what do you think your child will look back on? having fun in the park with dad or - your words - picking through books he cant read yet? (He has loads of books (not really able to read to himself yet)).

I'm actually flabbergasted.

Or maybe your DP enjoys taking his son out, or playing inside with him when he's free to do it, as you say it sounds crazy to say "you take him out too much".

If you can't read, and you're on your own it's quite difficult to entertain yourself, you pretty much only have a few types of activities you can do (imaginary lego/world play) which if that's not a play need you have at that moment it's not going to be a drive.

Once your son is free to leave the house by himself, it's much more likely that he'll start getting the options to entertain himself, even if these activities are not solo ones. And once he can read, and be opened to a lot more activities (reading itself of course, but also access to his own choice of computer work or other activities)

Playing with his son? LTB.

He sounds a great dad.

I'm with Newyearnewme on this, I find it odd that you're complaining about a dad taking his son to the park??
Did you not go out as a family at all? I know it's important to teach your children to be a bit self sufficient and let you get on with a few jobs but there's a bit of a balance to be had I think.

Thanks New Year, that's a helpful contribution. I can't even be bothered to reply.

SirFred - thanks for a more sensible point. I suppose in response what I'd say is that I'm sure my DP likes taking my son out. I like taking my son out! The issue is that his response to him saying "I'm bored" is always to take him out/ put the telly on/ give him a computer game. I think there are LOADS of activities you can do alone - Lego, drawing, cars, making mud pies, bouncing a ball, looking for bugs, painting, puzzles etcetc. But I don't think kids do them unless they have been a bit bored and then pick them up. And when they do, they develop a huge and important skill set of self-sufficiency and imagination and joy. I feel like by always being the entertainment, my son is missing out on this part of life. And I think it's really important for that be balanced with going out and having adventures. I also think it's probably too late, and that's a real shame.

I'm not sure what in my posts suggests I don't go out with him, and don't want to go out with him. Just that kids benefit from being bored some of the time.

If it's just me and the DCs they will entertain themselves perfectly happy, if DH is around they will pester him until he plays with them. They have learnt there's no point pestering me, it will get them nowhere. The one exception is when DH is in his office working, they know to leave him alone. I don't see it as DH teaching them bad ways, I see it as kids knowing how to play their parents. It's not that they don't play me, they just play me in different ways.

I completely get what you mean OP, I have a nephew that has been ‘entertained’ by an adult his whole life and he literally cannot be by himself for 5 minutes, drives me nuts..

Well you say in your first post that dh took ds to the park "two or three times each day this weekend" which suggests that you didn't do anything else as there wouldn't have been much time in between park visits. I think that's possibly where I'm coming from it's such a lovely bank holiday weekend that it's perhaps not the time for teaching ds to be self sufficient.
I'd suggest having a chat with dh and planning a bit of a strategy regarding helping him to become more self sufficient. I wouldn't link it to the park visits though as I think he'd perhaps be a bit hurt.

I feel like ds is being taught to need someone's attention, and not to be imaginative or self-sufficient.

No. He has been taught that his dad loves him.

The biggest way we can help our children to grow into independent adults is by making them feel secure.

Your DH is doing a bloody great job there.

You did bother though Op - and all participants on this thread have agreed with me.

You need to have a balance. I don't think there's anything wrong with DH wanting to spend time playing with his DS.

I've found since starting school, my 5Yo DS wants me to play with him more and is crap at leaving me alone. Part of it is at school there is more to structure to entertain him than at home. It's also because I just don't see him as much. But it is finding balance. It's doing somethings with him and then explaining there's times I'm busy and need him to entertain himself.

My 3YO DS is happy to go and play on his own and entertain himself much more and I think my eldest was like that until he got to school all day.

It won't be long till he doesn't want his dad to play with him any more. You're wrong on this. Let them get on with it.

It's fine. Children will never be bored or alone ever again as they will have an iPhone growing out of their wrist.

Dd 13 was never interested in toys, ds 11 always loved them. We always wanted them to be independent but all dd ever wanted was interaction. So it’s not always learned.