To ask for help in dealing with this (ex related)

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

There have been issues with my ex recently which are causing distress in our children. Links to most recent incident here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/3234921-Can-I-do-anything-about-this

We are at peak ‘chatting shit’ on the part of ex and girlfriend, largely aimed at what a terrible person I am - that I have no friends, that I steal from my mum, that I won’t ‘move on’, that I haven’t taught the children any manners, that I don’t have a boyfriend etc etc. Much of the ranting is stuff the children know to be untrue - they know I have friends, for example - which heightens the impact on the ex as he just makes himself look stupid. His girlfriend has threatened me (‘I’ll show the bitch what abuse is’) and he has also told them they would be better off if I died by ‘jumping off a pier’. The latest rant has sent my 11 year old into meltdown and he is now refusing to go to his dad’s next weekend. This has never happened in 10 years. He has SATS so on this ocsssion I will support him having a quiet, stress-free weekend but I am terrified of the consequences of this for all of us.

I want to try and stop this escalating further but my ex is not the type to look at his own behaviour and will simply disregard everything and blame me. I am encouraging the children to challenge him (the ‘no manners’ rant came after the youngest asked to see evidence that the money my ex confiscated from them had been placed in their bank accounts) but he just doesn’t want to know.

I have worked so hard for so long to put aside my own stress and upset and not bad mouth him that I am angry the positive relationship I have always encouraged with their father has been undermined in this way. My stress levels are through the roof, the children are tearful and fearful and it feels like there is no end in sight.

Any ideas?

What did the police say about the gf taking the money?

That all that would happen is he would say it was him and then there would be nothing they could do. It’s not wrong for their father to remove it.,

Do you have a contact order or is it a private arrangement?

There is a Contact Order. That said, he hasn’t particularly adhered to it and I have kept careful records. I am not fearful of court involvement.

I think it is quite likely that you are almost saturated by this.

So, keep on breathing, gather all the evidence of his stupidity you can and then, preferably before you burst, take action, see him in court - nor FORCE him back into court. He does bugger all but take, steal and bully you and your kids, so, as soon as you feel able, stop him! And allow your kids to start taking age appropriate control of their interactions with him, with the backing of the court.

Best of luck.

Please do not listen to this piece of shit.

Im a hypocrite for writing this, because I allow my ex to get the better of me far too times. MN actually helped me out with this.

You need to know that the number one tool that ex partner's use against a mother is their children. It makes her conform to what they want because they are scared. Don't do this or I'll make sure the kids are taken from you.

It's bollocks. Realising it's absolute bollocks through outside verification is very liberating.

There is an end in sight, and it is the end you have created for you and your kids. If this is the way he is behaving then I am going to go ahead and guess this isnt the first time.

Ring a DV charity. Ring childline. It can be so reassuring when the abusive person is calling you names, to just hear 'actually youre not an idiot!

You are not responsible for his crap behaviour. As for nuturing a relationship between ex-Idiot and his kids... I think youve done your bit. You have been dignified but now is the time to disengage.

I read your last thread. She sounds like a bitch.

He should be stopping her from EVER saying that to you. However, he sounds a little spineless so I am not surprised. Ignore it.

I dont know if you have a court order in place, but if this is indicative of his behaviour then consider getting one.

Stand up for your children in the way that you are doing- dont let him bully you or second guess you.

I cant really comment further, but just know you are not alone and you have all my empathy. Be brave.

Court order is in place? Put spikes on it and shove it somewhere. ;)

Evidence it all, including the stolen money, get school to help with statements saying they stole it off the kids and you want the evidence it's been put aside for safe keeping, and take them back to court

Thanks. I don’t fear losing the children - he has tried that more than once but the reality is I am ‘good enough’. He has upset them this time by saying he would involve Social Services because I was culpable letting them run around with money in their pockets - they are old enough now to understand the threat but not savvy enough to disregard. I know there is no risk but nevertheless, I susp3ct I am ground down with it all and struggling to see the wood for the trees.

The girlfriend isn’t nice but in her defence, I suspect she is way more ground down than I am. She only knows me through his eyes and it’s not going to be complimentary- she probably feels she is defending the children. But that’s not my problem, I know.

I will breathe deeply. I have encouraged younger children to talk to teachers if they are worried. I will think about a return to court if we get to the point the youngest doesn’t want to go. The eldest can make his own decisions and middle is just about there.

So, 11 year old has not gone today. He cried so much he couldn’t explain so I did it for him. I added ‘He’s telling you something, I would use the opportunity to think about it’ on the end and got told not to be patronising. Other than that, he walked away and took the other two. I have texted the eldest to say I love them and to call me if they need me.

Awaiting fall out....

Maybe sit down with all of your children and ask if they truly want to see their dad. They may just be doing it to not upset him?
He sounds like a complete knob! I'd take it to court and get proper precautions put in place.

Good luck!

I have almost exactly the same type of exh and lately he has ground me down massively. I truly hope things improve for you and your dcs.