AIBU to think this logic is flawed

[MrsHoodwink]

Me and DDs dad have split for 2 years and we both agreed to send DD to nursery.

We agreed to go halves on cost, I am mostly a SAHM but work 2 days a week.

DD is being assessed for aspergers/autism by nursery and at first was only going 2 days a week but was struggling with the change in routine on the other days.

I made the decision to send them an extra day and another after that, so now she goes 4 days a week

Her dad won’t pay for any of these “extra days” as he thinks she doesn’t need them so just wants to send half of what it would’ve been originally.

Both me, the nursery teachers and the health visitor say her behaviour, etc has improved greatly since going more often and that the “extra” days are beneficial for her development.

Dad thinks I’m doing it for a break from being a SAHM, AIBU that if you offer to pay for half you pay for half the actual days DD attends

Honestly? I think getting your ex to pay for childcare on a day when you’re not at work is a hard sell.

If he only agreed to pay half of 2 days then unless he agrees to the extra its not unfair for him to say no.

YABU. If you’re a stay at home parent and you want to send her extra then you should pay.

If you only work 2 days a week are you claiming TC? They will pay up to 70% of the bill.

Also if you earn under £16k the term after her 2nd birthday you qualify for 15 free hours term time. Or if you earn too much but you get a diagnosis ask your HV about the funded hours as they usually provide them with a disability.

I think I’m just a bit offended that he thinks I’m sending her because I want to, when really it was because I was advised to by the professionals

I’d be more than happy for her to be at home with me but she gets upset and stressed when she doesn’t go

If it's in the interest of the child, then it should happen, so in her case, she needs to be attending four days, end of.

However,you need to realise now that he is going to have differences of opinion about her care and upbringing from you. You need to be prepared to take steps to provide what she needs, because it looks as though he isn't. Some people just think autism is an excuse, and they don't see the need to accommodate a child's needs.
DD needs you on her side.

How many overnight stays with him does she have? If he's arsey now, wait until she has other requirements such as OT, Salt, or other therapies, specialist equipment to buy or diet to stick to. Is he really going to meet her needs, and willingly?

I think getting your ex to pay for childcare on a day when you’re not at work is a hard sell

This.

I think YABU. Surely there’s always going to be a change in routine e.g. at the weekend...

Also are you sure the professionals aren’t just trying to get more money?

It’s great she’s getting on better going to nursery more, but I have to agree that if you’re at home and deciding to send her in, he’s reasonable to expect you to pay for it.

If you’re struggling to pay for it, could you work on the additional days she’s in?

Do you get child maintenance from him?

So your dd gets stressed and upset by not having more days in nursery, but you’re quite happy to keep her at home with you rather than work a bit more and pay to send her?

He has her 1/2 overnights every 2-3weeks depending on his work, I don’t have family assistance so have her all the time otherwise

Where I’m at now won’t take me on for more hours but I am actively looking for somewhere extra, just so hard to find anywhere that will have you between school hours (I have older DS in primary school, different dad)

I get some maintenance but not through CSA as he got really upset when I was going to do it that way, but this is on top of that which I appreciate he isn’t obliged to do

I would happily pay it all if necessary to help DD just couldn’t get my head round his logic as I wouldn’t complain if it was the other way around

Momo I don’t think that’s what I said at all

Did you agree to sending your daughter to nursery, or sending your daughter nursery for two days? If the latter, you’ve changed the terms of the agreement. If the former, not unreasonable.

Go through the CMS. Get the full amount. Who cares if he gets upset?!

Then if he stops paying for the day a week at nursery you’ll probably still have more money from him.

Agreed to send her to nursery, started with 1 day to see how it went and increased to 2 when it went well

Increased to 3 then a few weeks later 4 days and she’s came on leaps and bounds but it was at this point Dad said he didn’t think she needed to go as much

What professionals have said she needed to attend nursery more. Doctors?

I think you need to work on why she finds being at home more stressful than being at nursery. And I say this as a parent of a DD who was diagnosed with SN at a very young age.

YABU.

Also, why is the nursery assessing your child for Autism? That is not something they are qualified or able to do?

My DD's nursery manager was instrumental in supporting the process to get her statemented. I didn't need to increase her days at nursery to do this however.

Supporting the process of statementing is not the same as assessing for a condition though?

If she’s under investigation for anything she should be seen by your local inclusion services. Then, you’ll be entitled to Time For Twos. Have a look or ask nursery for a referral.