To ask your advice on binge drinker?

[dinosaurusrex9]

My mum is in her late 50’s and I’m in my early 20’s... I moved away when I was 18 to be with my boyfriend (now fiancé) and she obviously wasn’t best pleased about it at the time.. but now it’s 5 years on and she seems to be coming round to the idea that we are serious. I moved to DFiance because at the time I didn’t have a job and he is 2 years older and has done really well for himself, it’s about an hour away from my mum.

My mums always enjoyed a drink, but recently when I’ve been trying to call her late at night (I say late... about 8/9pm by the time I get in from work) and she’s slurring her words and gets offended at the smallest thing.

I went to see her last weekend and although she only had a couple of glasses on the Friday night, on the Saturday she almost went through 3 bottles of wine 😳 she was again slurring her words and like a completely different person, if no one is talking to her and watching the tv (I.e my dad or my DF) she starts getting aggressive and saying everyone is boring.

My dad has expressed concerns before to me and I’ve tried to say I’m worried about her and the health implications it could cause but it seems to of fallen on deaf ears.
At some point me and my DF would like to TTC and I’m worried she’s going to be like this around my child.

I don’t know how to broach it though, she gets really defensive and says she isn’t happy with her life and wishes I still lived there... I make an effort to come and see her nearly every 3 weeks and my dad and her come down to us occasionally..

AIBU to ask your advice on how to deal with this? I love her so much and she’s a different person sober, obviously not an alcoholic but a binge drinker... I really don’t know what to do.

Thanks

She's an alcoholic OP....sorry to be blunt but she's drinking every night....and you only know about the evenings.

There is absolutely nothing you can do. She's an adult...with a partner to support her.

It's not your job....I know how worrying it is. I have an alcoholic brother...not the same as a parent I know but still...

As for what you can do about the baby of the future seeing her like this...well you just have to make it clear to her...when the baby arrives, that she won't be allowed to see the baby whilst she's drunk.

She won't like it....but that's what you have to do when you're a parent. Sometimes you offend people.

I don’t think she is an alcoholic, surely that means she can’t function without it? She has a full time job that she doesn’t go to drunk, it just seems in the evenings that she does it to almost drown her sorrows and I appreciate that you’re taking the blunt approach but I can’t turn round to her and say ‘you’re an alcoholic get your shit together’ I’m just not like that.
My dad has had a lot to deal with other family members, too so I feel bad he has to deal with this himself.

I don’t think you need to be drinking during the day to be an alcoholic, but the actual lane doesn’t really matter I don’t think. She clearly has a problem with alcohol. I don’t think there’s anything you can do though. She needs to want to make a change herself. It’s not any easy position to be in.

There’s some helpful advice here...

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/worried-about-someone-elses-drinking/

*name not lane

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I didn't drink in the day but alcohol was causing problems in my relationships and I didn't stop.

Non alcoholics would say 'oh no, my drinking is causing people I love hurt' and would simply stop.

Alcoholics can't and won't do that simple thing.

So, you need to tell her, then see how she reacts.

If she doesn't stop, it's very likely she has a big problem with alcohol and will need to admit that to herself to get help,

In the meantime, you can attend Al Anon meetings which are designed to inform and support family members of alcoholics.

I wish you well it's a horrific disease but

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

Not all alcoholics put sherry on their cornflakes. Anyone from AA will tell you there are varying type of alcoholic, no all are day-to-day reliant.

Your mother is 'self medicating' and she wont stop until she gets to the root of her problems/sadness.

I gave this some thought and (please correct me if I'm wrong OP, I dont want to try and put words in your mouth) I think that what you're saying is that whilst not dependent on alcohol, your mother is abusing it. By that I mean she isn't enjoying it in the normal context, but using it as a coping mechanism.

You have the right to live where you choose and develop your own life as an adult. I don't think any parent likes to think of their kids being away from them but this does not mean that you have to feel guilty or responsible for your parent's feelings.

Your mother is being selfish. You have said that you go and see her often, its obviously not what she wants, but that does not make you selfish and it doesnt excuse her own actions.

I have seen it happen before (not alcohol specifically) but when adult children leave, or parents retire, that they are left in each others company after twenty odd years for (really) the first time. People change over that time and you can be sure that they are not the same people they were when they met/got married. Please dont think Im having a go at your dad or anything, Im truly not. This cant be fun for him either.

If your mum doesnt want to speak with you regarding this issue, then I think that anytime you ring and she is drunk, you should just say 'I cant talk to you when youre pissed'.

I went to see her last weekend and although she only had a couple of glasses on the Friday night, on the Saturday she almost went through 3 bottles of wine 😳 she was again slurring her words and like a completely different person, if no one is talking to her and watching the tv (I.e my dad or my DF) she starts getting aggressive and saying everyone is boring.

If she can get through three bottles in an evening and still talk that indicates she has built up a big tolerance and that in itself means she has a problem. I’d be obviously drunk after one bottle.

Wow thank you all so much for your advice, thank you PurpleDaisies for that link, that’s really helpful!
And Bananas you’ve literally hit the nail on the head that’s exactly what I was trying to get across! She often says to me she’s not happy with my dad, but I feel like that’s sort of something between them that I can’t intervene in. I think alcohol causes most of the problems because she argues with him and he gets annoyed because she’s clearly drunk again. I’m just at a loss really because I only hear brief parts of it, and I know my mums depressed because I’ve left. She’s often talked about moving near me but my dad can’t move because of his job.. not easily anyway. That’s why I feel guilty, because really I am the reason

That’s why I feel guilty, because really I am the reason

No, no, no. You are not the reason. You are a grown up woman who is making your own way in the world. This is how it should be. Children grow up and move out and that is right and good. I know she’s your mum and you want to help her but she’s being very unfair to you.

Please don’t feel guilty about this. She has made a choice to turn to alcohol. It was her choice. You didn’t do that to her. It is also her choice to carry on drinking. She knows she could get help but she doesn’t want to. This is all on her. You can continue to offer support to both parents but the change has to come from her.

No one here can tell you whether shes an alcoholic.

But either way, it’s upsetting you and affecting your relationship. Is she the sort you can have an honest sober conversation with? Let’s be honest, turning to booze at times of stress and unhappiness isn’t uncommon. I wouldn’t get carried away worrying about babies yet

What Storm4star said.

This is in no way your fault.

You are making your own way and carving a life out for yourself. It is unfair of your mother to be dependent on you, or to make you feel guilty for her dependency on you.

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink (no pun intended). This is on her to change things, for whatever reason she is drinking to excess.

Dont allow yourself to compromise your life that you have spent a long time building through misplaced guilt or badgering. We dont 'owe' our parents- going to see your mother should be because you want to, not guilted into it or through concern.

I think you should call Al-Anon and chat it through with them. This is just my opinion and they are much better .

(Al-Anon is much better, not my opinions! I didnt read that through fully before I posted )