AIBU to think that I'm not struggling to lose weight but trying to put it on?

[Aylarose]

I have serious issues with binge-eating and I seem to re-start diets every few days. I was a size 10 just over two years ago and now I am an 18.

I can sometimes put away 4000+ calories so there are no mysteries involved in my weight gain and I've also gone from running daily to now not having run at all for 6 weeks.

I have kept telling myself that I am trying to lose weight but that I keep slipping up and over-eating but I think I've realised tonight that I'm actually self-sabotaging and intentionally putting on weight.

Usually something triggers me to start over-eating, such as eating a high calorie snack/food because someone has offered it to me but then I intentionally decide to let go and binge on everything in sight- e.g. cereal, chocolate, cake, bread rolls, chocolate milk, golden syrup/honey (yep, like 'Winnie-the-Pooh' I kid you not!), ice cream etc.

I am hardly ever hungry when I eat, it feels like a form of self-harm really... so AIBU to think that I'm not struggling to lose weight but trying to stay heavy/put more weight on because of my messed up thinking?

Also what on earth do I do about this? If I carry on like this I'll be morbidly obese before I turn 35.

You may need to get to the root cause of your disordered relationship with food. I had to do this to stay sober, so not exactly the same thing, but there are similarities. Finding out the 'why' can be really beneficial to your life as a whole.

You've taken the first and hardest step - recognising that there is a problem. That's an achievement in itself.

Therapy, counselling, a support group are worth considering as a next step.I'm sure someone with knowledge of weight gain/loss cycles than me will be along soon with better advice.

Thank you for your reply Weezol. I definitely think you're right and that I have to address the root cause.

I know that alcohol issues are probably even harder to cope with than food issues but there definitely are similarities.

I will need to look into therapy for this. I feel as though it might be a bit embarrassing talking about binge eating/disordered eating at my size because everyone expects those with disordered eating to be either anorexic or bulimic.

I am going to have a think about possible reasons why I'm hanging on to being fat/subconsciously trying to get fatter and at the same time make sure we just don't have binge-trigger foods in the house!

Were you overweight prior to being a size ten? If so, what kind of thoughts/feelings arose while you were losing weight back then?

I actually think food is harder to deal with - after all, we don't need alcohol to stay alive, but we do need food.

Losing weight means what to you? Hope? Sometimes there is comfort in hopelessness because it gives us a bubble or focus for overbearing feelings.

I’ve heard of people who have experienced sexual abuse being subconsciously intentionally overweight as a form of ‘protection’ as they don’t feel ‘attractive’. Also people who say ‘when I’m slim I’ll do xyz, or life will be like this’ self-sabotaging because of the implications of change.

Therapy is an excellent idea.

I have a very similar binge starve cycle.

I think this stemmed from a rapid unexplained weight gain. I would then starve myself doing VLCDs, become disheartened at seeing not weight loss and then binge. The next day I would restart the starving cycle.

I am currently being tested for a condition that causes uncontrolled weight gain and it was an eye opener. I can't lose weight so I'm not even trying. Instead I am meal planning with good calorie control but allowing me to eat well.

In 3 weeks I haven't thought about binging because psychologically I am allowing myself permission to eat.

So I fully understand what you mean.

You need to get you binge starve cycle under control before you look at calorie reduction.

Also, if you are eating well you will have the energy to exercise that you won't have when starving yourself.

Read Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. I think you'd find it might resonate with your story. Good luck.

Most people with eating disorders don't have anorexia or bulimia. Binge eating is a very common form. I think the first step is to be honest with yourself. Stop 'dieting'. Give yourself permission to eat what you want, when you want. If you're eating because you're tired/bored/unhappy focus on those things and try to find non-food ways of dealing with them.

Thanks so much for the replies- they've really helped me to think more about the possible reasons for and root causes of my binge eating.

Pitilessyank, I was slightly overweight with a BMI of 26 and I lost one and a half stone to get down to size 10 and BMI 22. I felt good at a size 10 but that I still needed to lose some more weight. I did feel as though I was in control of my eating and that I didn't care too much about food though. I was very motivated to lose weight as I was about to start a new course and wanted to change my appearance before I started. At the moment I don't have that same motivation.

Polkadotwellies, that's really interesting that you say that because I sometimes feel like I have given up and that actually having giving up causes me less stress than trying to improve my life. There are lots of other aspects of my life that aren't as I imagined they'd be at my age (30) so that might account for some of it.

NCJaneDoeNut, I've luckily never been abused but I have had Body Dysmorphic Disorder (including obsessions with the dark circles under my eyes and the shape of my chin and nose) in the past so perhaps being very heavy allows me to give up worrying about my appearance altogether and ignore the fact that I am even more unattractive at this weight. I will definitely look for a good therapist!

Weezol, that's really interesting but yes that's true I can't just stop eating! I wonder if there might be some common genetic heritability between binge eating and alcohol problems as my Dad has alcohol issues and so did my granny and aunt on my Mum's side.

Rawh, sorry to hear you have had to cope with similar disordered eating issues; that's so great that you've managed 3 weeks binge-free!!

Thanks bridgettreilly and Rawh, it really makes sense that I need to stop dieting in order to stop binge-eating. I will also try to find other ways to deal with my stress, anxiety and boredom because I definitely self-medicate with food.

Thanks Drinkreprehensibly, I will order it today!

It is looking as if there may be a genetic predisposition to addictive behaviour. In my very limited and unscientific experience, the 'drug of choice' (could be food, exercise, gambling, alcohol) make no difference when comparing commonalities in addictive behaviour. I have a mate who is addicted to gambling and our addictive behaviours have similarities for sure, as do those of a friend who was on heroin long before I knew him.

What’s causing you to binge is the starve bit. Allow yourself to eat whatever you want but in small quantities and go from there.

Have you read Fat is a Feminist Issue? Its an older book, but she talks really interestingly about the reasons that women subconsciously might 'vhoose' to be overweight. There's also a lot you can read about food as 'the good girl's drug' - it can be a way of treating yourself or making yourself feel good that doesn't affect your grades, your daily responsibilities etc... But then turns out to have the negative side effect of making you feel even worse about yourself, and you get stuck in a cycle.

A GP will not be shocked to hear you, there's no need to be embarrassed as MANY people go through this, there is help out there.

Try reading more about it. Fat is a Feminist Issue is a good book to start with.

Hah! Cross post. 😀

This sounds awful op, it really sounds like you hate your own body and that must be awful!
I have a history of overeating but have luckily never been overweight because I was a lot younger. It becomes such a habit that is hard to break 😓
I found that if I managed to go a few weeks without binging then I lose the 'need' to do it. I found that when I went back to work, after a year of maternity leave, I didn't have time to eat as much (and I only took fruit to snack on). Could you maybe walk/ cycle to work instead of driving (if you do drive?) I genuinely think it's all about breaking the cycle, I also remember feeling like I'd put so much weight on after pregnancy that I'd never lose it so there was no point. I did lose it though and I'm so much happier. I really hope you manage to feel better about yourself. It's so shit feeling worthless.