Not sure?! What to expect...

[hungryhippo90]

I apologise for this in advance, it’s going to be quite long. I had a horrific childhood, I suffered SA at a very early age, Dad was an alcoholic, mum was a very messed up person- don’t agree with labelling people with no medical basis but she was very messed up. She married my dads brother, he was physically abusive. I spent most of my childhood cleaning the house and looking after my siblings. I was constantly told I was there out of the kindness of my step dads heart by my siblings, they told people at school I was adopted. I was bullied also very badly. Home stunk of fags, cooking oil and BO. We were the trampy family every school has, whilst my mum drove around in a new car and had loads of jewelery but continuously plead poverty to the school.
I was chucked out every time I didn’t do as she wanted. She made me split up with DDs dad and chucked me out at 17. I’ve pretty much been on my own since.

I now have a lovely DH. I can’t get past the self hatred I have. My confidence is still in pieces. It’s really affecting my life. I can’t hold down a job because I always feel so inadequate, I hate being around people.

I have used food as a comfort. I can’t control it. There are a lot of effects from this that should make me stop eating the way I do, but I lack impulse control. I’ve reached 21 stone, and I hate myself. I can’t even shave my legs now.

I’ve asked for help with counselling I was told there’s a 12 month wait and they’ll give me 6. Sessions of counselling, though they think I will need more but I can’t have it.

I’ve considered going private, but I don’t know whether it will actually help.

I have had some counselling but to be honest, I’ve never found it useful.

I’ve always been able to push negative thoughts away, but recently I’m so fucking sick of being so pathetic I wish I had the guts to kill myself. I’m so angry at myself for being so pathetic. I start doing well, then I binge and I tell myself “it’s my pain, I can wear it how I want” but honestly. I am disgusted with myself.

Has anyone had similar issues that have been helped by counselling?

No advice.

But reading your story i wanted to say i really admire you. You sound really gutsy and im glad you have a good man in your life

I wonder whether a different therapy would be more appropriate for you. Possibly something used for PTSD?

Hope someone knowledgable comes along to give advice.

Brightoncalling- thank you, but I’m not gutsy at all, I’ve allowed the rubbish from my childhood to take over every aspect of my life, I do feel like I have to do whatever I can to make a life for myself, because life’s short, and I am wasting my chance of ever gaining any enjoyment out of my life. I can’t believe I’m nearing 30 and I haven’t really done anything with my life, I feel so pathetic knowing I’m allowing stuff from my childhood to affect me now.

Thanks Catmint- I have no idea about PTSD therapies! I’ve had CBT in the past, which has helped because I can leave the house- I’m not always keen and I have my boundaries but it’s better than being petrified of leaving the house at all!

If I go to the counselling session I’ve been offered from a private counsellor I will be able to discuss it, but it’s a scary thought, especially not being sure how much it’ll help me or if it’s even the right route to go.

You’ve had a tough start from your childhood but you want better for yourself. Posting here and asking fir advice shows that.

You are being very hard on yourself and must try to stop this as it is not going to help you.

Yes, the counselling will help you - please do it. But instead of focussing on your childhood try to reframe it so that it is about accepting and loving yourself.

I’m not being trite but as much as the past has affected you, your future can be about you, rather than your past.

OP what do you have to lose from trying the private counseling? Presumably the money, but you sound like you're pretty stuck with not many avenues forward if you don't try this. Is it better to risk some money, or to just keep going the way you have for the last 13 years?

I don't mean that to sound unsympathetic. I think you're amazing to just be trying to regain some agency in your life. Your childhood sounds horrendous and it's not surprising it's affected every part of your adult life, don't take the blame for that. Just look forward towards what you can do for yourself going forward.

Your childhood sounds horrendous and it's not surprising it's affected every part of your adult life, don't take the blame for that.

That's the biggest thing I got from your post OP, that you're taking the blame for the effect your family's abuse has had on you. No one could go through what you have and not be damaged, it's not your fault and you absolutely deserve any and all help you can access.

If the private counselling turns out not to be helpful you can always stop, there will be other routes you can try (different counsellor, other specific types of therapy etc) but you should keep trying until you find something that works for you. You deserve to heal and hopefully find some peace and you are anything but pathetic

My childhood was violent, abusive emotionally and physically, we were badly neglected and, after we were taken into care, it was cold, clinical and still abusive. (For background no sympathy required)

I know this sounds trite and simplistic but believe me I know how you are feeling, but there is only one person who can change this and that, of course, is you. No amount of talking or counselling can change that. Counselling is helpful for some, as are talking or ptsd therapies but, whilst they help you to understand why you feel as you do, or give you strategies to cope with those feelings you are the only person who can let it go.

Nothing that you did or didn't do caused what happened to you. But you know that already. It was outside of your control and in full control of the people around you. And they are still in control because you are letting them rule your life.

When I left care at 17 with nothing and no one for support I decided that the past 17 yrs were simply a blot and I would not let those people define me or have control over me ever again. I'm 57 this week and my life is my own. I have a loving husband, wonderful children and a happy home.

It's not easy by any means. It's really tough to throw off what happened to you and it's certainly not something you ever forget. But you can do it. Take all the therapies offered, talk to as many people as you need, but work towards a day or date where you can say to yourself you are not that person anymore and you are not going to let them ruin your life. Repeat those words as often as you need to. This is your life now, you get to choose who you want to be, not them. You are in control.

You can start by having compassion and sympathy for the child that you were. Talk to her and recognise that you had no means of escape, you were not at fault.

Try googling "heal your inner child" there are lots of good examples of mindfulness and strategies of how to be objective about the child you once were.

I hope you can find the help and strength you need to rebuild your confidence and your life

You sound like you’re having an internal war inside yourself- one half saying you don’t deserve to have a nice life/be a good weight and the other saying yes I do.
Well you do deserve a good life, and you are halfway there with a lovely DH and knowing you want things to change.
Get the private counselling, but what do you want from the counselling? Closure on your childhood or to tackle your self confidence and hold down a job? Maybe you explore having a life coach for the latter (I’ve not had one but seen them advertise), and also see if the GP surgery do anything to help with weight loss, I’m sure they’d give you a diet plan and weigh you to keep you on track.
I can see why the first poster called you gutsy, you can hear you want to make changes and you have started exploring that. Don’t under estimate yourself! Keep going

Oh my darling. I don’t really have any advice other than to say none of that was your fault at all. Xx

You can start by having compassion and sympathy for the child that you were. Talk to her and recognise that you had no means of escape, you were not at fault.

That sounds like a very powerful thing to do.
You know the child was not at fault, just as you are not at fault now. You have been strong to get through all that and you can find the strength now to start the changes you want.
Get whatever help you need to do that.

Sorry I posted a reply to most responses here, I have just come back to reply to the messages that I didnt address, and I see my reply never went through, so sorry for the late replies!

Selenamayer- thats the thing, im thinking about the counselling so I can actually address the way I feel about myself. Its more of an exercise of trying to figure out how i can start to live with myself. I feel like Ive come to terms with why my childhood was what it was, I know that the childhoods my parents had were also very bad, I just cant shake the way I feel because of it all.

boomboomscousin- Im concerned that It may not fix me, and may instead open up a whole new can of worms. I am doing the best I have ever done in my life, and Im scared that I risk the few positives I have, but at the same time, the very real risk is that if I dont find "my place" life is going to pass me by. it was only 10 years ago I was chucked out, and I so desperately want a life that I can look back on and be proud of, even if i was to work a menial job, but it was something that my confidence didnt get in the way of. I have accepted the appointment I was offered so i am going to give it a go.

Hidingtonothing- thank you, I have tried to tell myself that I am just a victim of circumstance, much as my parents were, which is quite hard to accept, as I am a parent who has managed to shield my daughter from the same types of abuse, it doesnt really help when I am trying to achieve something though, or convince myself that I am a decent person.

Nokidshere- I understand what you are saying. I have tried to look upon it as a part of my life that I long ago left behind. I have tried to be the exact opposite of what our life was like when I was younger, im the complete opposite of my parents, I dont smoke because of the bullying, I dont wear jewelery because the way my mum continuously put this before our needs, I have a cleaner because I just cant cope with the fact I dont feel my house is clean enough- the cleaner says an hour would be more than enough to clean our house as its always pretty good. DD is always dressed nicely, i run myself into the ground trying to make everything perfect. our house is happy, but im not. I lack the confidence to see many things through. I think thats the real problem. The minute I have to put myself out there and say "I believe in myself" I just fall to pieces. I have tried so many times and i always bottle it, usually at a time that means people will also think im an idiot too. I will look up healing my inner child, im willing to try anything. My 30s is my goal to have a better life. not completely better, but a date i will hopefully be working, feeling better about myself.

Altiara- i think youve hit the nail on the head. I think that its more of an issue where I need to gain some self confidence. I am constantly fighting a battle. I believe im rubbish, and I dont think I deserve the things that I like. DH has recently talked me into completing some training, and im really hoping that this could be the place where I can work, the thing i can do. I just want to fit in somewhere and be able to work hard. I so badly want to be able to help out with our household costs so DH has a little bit of money spare, and I want to be able to count on being able to help supporting the family. Id also like to have somewhere to be, people in comfortable around. i want to provide a better life for my daughter- it isnt bad now. were very lucky to be supported by my DH, but I want to be able to play a part in supporting us.

User- thank you.

myxzptlak- thank you.

You sound pretty bloody marvellous. I suggest that you get yourself to Overeaters Anonymous.
Work the 12 step program on your issues, and find people that have been through terrible experiences, using food as their medicine.
I promise it will help www.oagb.org.uk/find-a-meeting/

You sound lovely. Have you contacted Women's aid to see if they offer anything?

OP CARA and rape crisis can offer free counselling and other forms of therapy, there will also be local charities who can assist. I used to work on the south Essex London border and there was a fantastic organisation called SERICC. You've been incredibly brave acknowledging where your eating habits come from and some support around what happened to you as a child is the start. If you try to address the eating simply as a compulsive disorder it is like treating the symptoms rather than the root cause. I really hope you get the support you need

napac.org.uk
sorry to post twice but I just remembered a really helpful organisation I used to refer people to. They specialise in working with adults abused as children. Their website has some good info and they are so lovely on the phone.

You sound brilliant, and I hope you find what you need. Good luck with the counselling

i run myself into the ground trying to make everything perfect

Then you will always fail. Perfection doesn't exist except as a stick with which to beat yourself with.

Perhaps that's the issue you need to deal with first? There really is no point in trying to achieve perfection at the expense of your own happiness and fulfilment - you and your family will miss out on so much. Do you really want your children to grow up trying to emulate your idea of perfection too? Then they too will experience feelings of failure.

You are allowed to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to learn and grow from them. The house can be dusty or untidy, your child can wear scruffs - the world will not end.

You have come so far and achieved so much. Everyone is happy and now it's your turn. You will not turn into your parents I promise.

You CAN do it. We can help you if you want. Find your mantra, find some help and start enjoying the lovely life you gave created.

Fuckingnamechanging- I’ve been goving OA some thought recently. I was going to the FA meetings for a while, I did two weeks, fell off the wagon and got back on for three days before deciding it just wasn’t my route! Have you done OA?

Stayanotherday- no I actually haven’t! I will try that. Thank you.

Fash84- that’s it, and that’s why I never succeed at any of my diet transformations. I have tried so many ways, but ultimately they don’t work for me like they do everyone else because food isn’t the same to me as it is for everyone else! Thank you, I spent some time on the website you recommended last night. Thank you

Out or down- thank you. I hope so too!

No kids here- you’re right and that’s a major problem. I apparently always make goals for myself that are unobtainable. I know that this is unhealthy, and something that I don’t want DD to ever feel is normal. I’m ready to make the changes.

I didn’t realise that my counselling session was actually today! But it is. I’m actually quite scared!

I’m going to go and get some exercise before I go, but I’m going.

Really hopeful that the private counselling sessions will mean that I have a greater control over how long my therapy goes on for, so we can break some real ground. I’m sat in the living room and seeing my neighbours all leaving for work I am so hopeful that therapy will mean I can be just like them all. That and the training I am completing that’s taking serious bottle. I’m doing better than I have, life was about avoiding people as much as possible at one point. I couldn’t even do the school run so I do have things to be thankful for.

Thank you all.

Further to my abusive marriage what no kids has said is exactly right.

Good luck.

This is such an interesting thread. I can only write for a minute now but as a very overweight person i have had success trying to treat myself as i would a friend. On purpose saying kind things instead of verbally beating myself up.

Until of course i fall off the wagon. Has anyone any tips on how to get back on the wagon quickly?

I'm not sure if this is a service in your area. But worth a try.

i had some cbt over the phone with them. It's on a self referral basis too.

Think action - ‭01483 746900‬

Just come back to this thread, you're welcome! Please stay strong, you're doing great.

Yes heard Women's aid offer something called The Journey. It breaks the pattern of abuse so you're better placed to work through things and make you better placed to avoid it happening again. They may offer counselling as well.