Sibling cutting everyone out

[familywoe]

I've changed username and some key details but keeping the gist the same. I'm really keen for people's views as I feel like I don't really know what to do.

Background: 3 sisters, we're all in our thirties now, we had a fairly shit time if it as kids my mum was an alcoholic and had mental health issues- over the years we've had fairly little contact with them but never completely lost touch.

At Christmas, my youngest sister who lives in America told us that she was getting married and no one was invited. This sparked a few minor arguments, but we all accepted it and nothing too bad was said... From this though youngest sister sent me a lot of messages saying that she felt I didn't value her and that I had forgotten her birthday once and she thought that my attitude over the last few years had made her feel like shit. I was shocked but kind of accepted that was the way she felt. I am quite loud and boisterous and I know that isn't for everyone. I always assumed she was confident and could deal with me but as it seems it wasn't the case I apologized completely said I had no idea and that I would be really keen to rebuild our relationship and make amends. She said yes if I start to treat her with respect that could happen.
I have since had my first baby, so have made a real effort given her and her husbands distance from us to keep in touch, send photos of my daughter and ask how they are doing. I get one or two word responses. When they got married they sent me a picture of the marriage cert!!! I asked for a picture of them to no avail. Anyway recently all went quiet. I heard from middle sister that sister 3 was taking a break from social media so I sent a message saying we loved her and hoped to hear from her soon. It hurt a bit because we've had a hard time with new daughter, been in and out of hospital, had operations etc. and if she wanted to rebuild I thought she might at least ask about DD. Anyway.
Sibling 3 sent a horrendous message to my mum, (I know alcoholic and mental health issues aren't easy to get over but) it was vitriolic, but also terrifying to read, it sounds like she's really mentally ill. Anger, shame and self hatred seeped through the message. It named everyone in the family and said she didn't want contact with any of us. That we don't get to explain or apologize anymore. It commented that she needed to access healthcare in the US and couldn't.
Because she seemed so adamant that she wanted no contact and I was worried about her I sent a message to her husband asking if he thought it was appropriate to pass on our love and to reiterate that the feelings she was having that we all hate her are unfounded. I got a message back saying he was really busy, there's plenty of time to talk in the future and they would appreciate it if I didn't message.

What to do? Bear in mind her main issues were with out mother, our disagreements have been really minor and the sort of thing I think sisters get over... I really want to help/send them money or something to pay for healthcare... but I'm stuck because given the dramatic nature of the message to my mum I don't want to keep pushing her in case I do more damage.

Oh this is so long. Sorry. I hope some of it makes sense.

Has she only become like this since meeting her new husband? Could it be she sees her life in America as a new chance and a way to wash away the ills of the past?
As you say she may well have mental health issues that are esculating this. You spund like you have been lovely and there for her. Keep being there just in case. Huge hugs to you, what a hurtful situation.

Don't send money to anyone!

What about sibling 1? What's she like? I was confused - is your message all about sibling 3?

Sorry I was trying to sibling it all up so I don't out anyone by accident.
I'm the oldest. Middle sister is staying out of it. And the post is about little sister (little being 31 though!)

She says she's felt like this for years. It has been a really quick wedding though. They have known each other just over a year.

I’d leave her to it. She will hopefully come around in time but I think there’s nothing you can do right now to get her to re-engage.

I think you’ve done all you can do for now; you messaged your BIL, and had a response asking you to leave it for the moment. You’ll just have to be patient and wait for her to make the next move.

I'm very sorry about all of this. How sad and distressing. However, my advice is to do nothing, because there is nothing you CAN do. You've already let her know that you love her and want to keep in contact. She doesn't and right or wrong, that's her right. Hopefully, she will get help and reach out in the future, but until then, all you can do is hope that day comes.

"This sparked a few minor arguments" minor according to whom? About what?

"she felt I didn't value her" she's allowed to feel that way.

"She said yes if I start to treat her with respect that could happen" and did you? How?

"I have since had my first baby, so have made a real effort given her and her husbands distance from us to keep in touch, send photos of my daughter and ask how they are doing." That sounds like the focus is primarily on YOU and YOUR daily and your interest in her is an afterthought.

As a child of an alcoholic myself with siblings, one who has a VERY different perspective on our childhood (in complete denial), you need to appreciate PROPERLY that what YOU think and feel about that won't necessarily be the same as for her.

"said she didn't want contact with any of us." That is her right to choose. Whatever her reasons. Your contacting her husband AFTER receiving that was out of order.

"our disagreements have been really minor and the sort of thing I think sisters get over..." Again - according to whom? You don't get to decide if they're Minor or major for her.

Get on with your own life and leave her be. She's been very clear she wants no contact. Respect that.

You seem to think SM replaces a phone call?

Since joining FB none of my sisters call or send cards/gifts

They don't post much about themselves anyway so no idea why they're upto

I used to ring them when I stopped they never bothered

It's hurtful

Cut ties and leave her to it. What exactly could you afford to send? Even with their dd's from insurance treatment would still run in to hundreds of thousands over a few years. If not just several months.

I think you should leave her be, you’ve opened the lines of communication, try to keep them open, but leave her for a while.

But can I just ask:
Have you treated her with respect? Have you listened to her and valued her?.. she’s asked to be left alone and you have ignored her and ploughed on through. Is this reflective of a general theme in the relationship?

She had said written you Mum a letter, and said it was full vitriol, growing up with an acholic must have been very hard for all of you.

And whilst I’m projecting here, my brother would describe himself as loud and boisterous, I’d describe him as a bully and belligerent. It’s just different perspectives

It sounds like she has had enough of you all. She asked for no contact and you did the exact opposite and still want to know what you should do. There is nothing to do. You accept her wishes and let it go. She clearly sees things very differently to you.

OP, posters are banging on about your over-riding of your sister's instructions of 'no contact', blithely ignoring the fact that you contacted your sister as you were worried for her health.

You haven't used social media to promote your child to your sister either and that was a nasty thing to say. Par for the course for some posters.

I would say this to you; you've done all that you can. Your sister doesn't get to call all the shots here because you've had to make things right in your own mind so that you're at peace with what has happened here. I think you've done that now.

I don't know whether your sister will get back in touch with you or not; you may find that you no longer crave contact and are a bit meh about it, not wanting it yourself in case you get hurt again. That will be your call.

My middle brother dropped contact with my mum and two other brothers - and myself - because he hates my oldest brother. It's been two years. He showing signs of feeling out whether we want to be in touch again. I was heartbroken for the first year, now I'd rather leave things as they are, he can't hurt me or us again that way.

You don't drop family for no good reason; if you do then go and lie in your bed. That's what your sister has to do.

Sympathies to you and your middle sister. Unless people have gone through this they have NO idea.

I'd leave her to it OP. She wants no contact, give her the respect that she wants and don't bother with her anymore. You tried, that's all you can do. You can really do without the drama.

Sorry to hear about this OP, you might be better posting in the Stately Homes thread in the relationship bit.
If it helps, I'm one of 4 sisters and our younger sister has just done something similar. My middle sister is just as vile. the best thing you can do is let her get on with her new husband. (lil sis moved away to live with a guy she met twice and has turned into this vitriolic, spiteful person we just dont know).
You cant change how somebody treats you, you can only change how you react to that treatment.
Its sad, but she has made her choices, just move on and live your life and be happy!

@Graphista
She's absolutely allowed to feel that way and allowed to deal with our childhood in whatever way helps her. I just guess I currently feel that she is isolated, married to a man she barely knows and showing signs of serious depression.

I'm focused on what I've done and my perspective for exactly that reason, I can't know what she's feeling, I'm telling my story!

Oh @GreenTulips no, she doesn't have a phone! They live quite an alternative life!
I would rather write letters, but they don't seem to get there!

Ah yes, to those of you saying I ignored the no contact, I sent a tentative message to her husband because she sounds really ill and in danger. I would never deliberately storm on through regardless, but it was waking me up at night thinking what if I don't offer help and she kills her self?
I mean that thought is still waking me up...

You seem to have been able to deal with your mother and childhood better than she has. It may be that she Just can’t get over it and needs to move on?

I had a dysfunctional family. There was no alcoholism or abuse but it wasn’t the easiest of environments to grow up in. Tbh I hold s lot of resentment today my parents as I think I have been a bit screwed up by it. My brother on the other hand doesn’t.

You’ve done what you can. Leave the door open and say she’s welcome in your life any time.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thanks for sharing your story. X

And @laurG
I think you're right ( and pp who have said this) I guess I was just hoping it wasn't the case!

Maybe this is her way of moving on. Sorry to say this, but I was chucked out at the age of 17, I was left with quite severe issues from my childhood. I spent my childhood bringing up my sisters. I needed help, I needed support. Instead my sisters thought I had abandoned them. I have them years, but it became apparent that there was no relationship to be had. Maybe your sister feels the same sort of way, moving on might mean cutting all ties to her past.

@hungryhippo90
Yeah I'm scared this is true, I left home very young to escape things and get some A Levels... but maybe at the expense of strong sibling relations

Familywoe, I’m sorry you’re in this position. I would personally write a letter explaining that you left home when you did because you knew it was best for you, you didn’t consider her, but that is the norm at that age. A lot of the time we don’t realise how messed up our childhoods are until we either have children of our own or have years and years to realise. Maybe tell her you think you’ve been there, but if she thinks differently then maybe she can tell you what she thinks she needs from you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.