To hate the area I was born and brought up in?

[kenchurch]

Please don’t roast me for this as I have my asbestos flame proof suit on.

But I really hate the area that I was born and raised in. Does anyone else share this?

I’m not sure if it’s due to the fact that most of the people I associate with these areas as being those who were mean to me in school. I never fitted in.

If it’s due to the fact that they’re not very socially liberal and hence disliked me.

This was an area heavily affected by Thatcherism and completely destroyed the economies of this area. I just went home and sat on a late train through where I grew up and I can’t help but feel these people don’t help themselves. They all waste all disposable income on going out drinking and so live in the same houses that they were born in. Lots are on their 3+ wife/husband.
I just feel they live in such sad circumstances with so little money but yet each week they blow it on taxis and drinking, whilst they don’t give they’re children the means to pull themselves out of what is poverty really. In a way I’d say they’re happy, but also unhappy.

Many still have the same friends in school, their entertainment is dull, childish and gossipy. It just seems a terrible waste of potential

I just don’t feel like I belong to the community, or ever have. Having been top of the class and gone through Oxbridge to a job and moved away.

Sorry I know this isn’t really an AIBU but more a ramble. I can’t tell if it’s just me being snotty or if I do have a point. Perhaps belonging means more than I thought.

Kenchurch, if these people took the same route as you, it would mean you would have faced more competition for that uni place and that well paid job.
Wanting people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is you being judgemental and not realising we can't have everyone at the top. To be at the top, there has to be someone at the bottom. As a friend once said: "if everyone went to uni who'd sweep the streets"?

Hi Kenchurch. I think I could pretty much have written your post, except I moved to the area in question aged 7 (in the mid 80s) and it has subsequently gentrified massively, so the school bully types nearly all moved somewhere else. I don't see why you'd be expected to like an area where you don't fit in, where people have been mean to you and which sounds frankly depressing. But if you've moved away, does it really matter what you think about somewhere that's in your past? Do you feel like you need to belong in a particular place? I think most successful people live somewhere they didn't grow up; that's the inevitable result of people going away to university and most of the top jobs being in London. It's never occurred to me to wonder whether such people feel deracinated, although I suppose they might. I hope I haven't missed your point.

"As a friend once said: "if everyone went to uni who'd sweep the streets"?"

Classics graduates. Not that I'm bitter.

I feel you may be conflating a few different things here:

a) I don't feel I belong here- fine

b) they are childish and boring and this is sad- what you mean is that they bore you

c) if they had worked harder they could all have gone to uni and got jobs like me- well, as pp have pointed out, this is not actually the case, the number of well-paid jobs is limited and plenty of badly paid jobs need doing

So you don’t live there any more ? Then don’t worrry that you don’t belong anymore. It’s inevitable and I think lots of people must be like you.
I think I’m from a similar background. I could never go back there and live as I couldn’t fit into that lifestyle now as I have different values. The only time it bothers me is when friends talk about moving to live near their parents for support (in quite nice places) and I know we can’t do that.

I DO likebthe area ones born and brought up in- and I still live here- but all of my group of close friends from school have moved away and I’m the only one left! I think that possibly says something about the lack of opportunities in this area, sadly.

Op I think your issue is you don't fit in and never have.
I hope in you're new life you have found your niche with like minded friends. If this hasn't happened, could it be you feel you don't fit in anywhere?

I grew up In very well to do area and I hate the place because it’s full of people who think they’re better than everyone else. You’d probably fit right in there.

I now live and work in one of the most deprived parts of the country and I adore it, I love the history and the sense of community and the people who treat everyone the same.

They all waste all disposable income on going out drinking

And you know this as a fact do you? Or do you want it to be true so that it justifies your snobbery?

I wonder if the reason you dont feel part of a community is that you have "othered" yourself. You did well in life, good for you, but being a top of the class Oxbridge graduate doesnt make you better than anyone else, but your post comes across like you think it does.

And its their children not they're btw.

do you still live in the area ? How do you know all this ? I think it's fine to dislike the area but these people may be perfectly happy with how their life turned out. Not every one wants to go to uni or move away everyone is different.Hopefully you are now happy with your life and can just chalk it up to different people having different priorities.

Plenty of people in cosmopolitan areas waste money on drinking and taxis.

Also kids are mean even in liberal places. That's how growing up is. Almost all kids feel like they don't fit in, as every coming of age movie and lots of music shows you.

So I think there's an element of distortion making you hate the place. You may find on closer and deeper analysis that people there have equally interesting and challenging lives in their own ways as those who left.

But on the other hand it's fine to feel you don't fit in there and have found your place in the world elsewhere. If you have then be glad you had the opportunity and luck (even your natural talents and determination are a lucky gift to a large degree) to get away and not be trapped and unhappy. Then it would be fair to hate it and maybe you'd waste your cash on drink to make life bearable.

Fwiw I came from a similar place, infamous in some ways for its insularity and deprivation, and I moved away to a city. it still has many good qualities though, not least the atmosphere down the pubs/clubs on a weekend. Much more fun, warm and friendly than in the city: And the countryside is nice too. Plus my family still lives there. So I don't hate it even though I don't fit in. Maybe you need more time and distance to appreciate its qualities.

But if they as amazing as you who could you sneer at?

My word, an Oxbridge education does broaden a person’s outlook, doesn’t it?

I think a lot of people feel like that about where they grew up. And equally I think almost all areas have their fair share of people who have lived in the same street all their lives and and had the same friends and can be very insular. And that insularity can lead to people valuing different things and having a different outlook on life.

I know people like that, they wouldn’t spend money on tutoring their kids or French or music lessons. Because they expect when their kids are grown up they’ll probably make a living sitting up a crane or weilding hammers or on a production line or cutting people’s hair. And they’re probably realistic expectations.

Plus the nights out - living in places like that is pretty grim and they probably don’t get much of a break from it. They probably need a bit of release.

I think it’s ok not to feel you belong, I actually think that’s quite a common feeling
But you have to respect other people’s choices, unless they are harmful. Imho that’s the rule.

I don’t like where I grew up either. It’s parochial and politically conservative which doesn’t suit me.
When I go home I see the same people from school (who weren’t particularly nice to me either), sitting in the same pubs as when we were at 17. I don’t worry about it either way, concentrate on your life and what you’re going on to do next.

I hate the area I spent the first 36 years of my life in, but that's not unusual for people who come from Croydon.

I live in a place like you described. Probably live like the people you are so sneery about.

Happy as a pig in shit me. Had friends round for a BBQ last night. We drank a lot. Ate a lot. They went home in a taxi. If we didn't have kids we would have been out wasting money.

I don't judge anyone. But if I were to judge I would judge based on how happy they are, how many friends they have, the family they have around them, the people they love.

Not on their postcode and investments. Would rather spend my money 'making memories' than paying into an ISA.

I live in the same village I grew up in. I work a low paid job. I piss quite a lot of my money up the walls. My idea of fun you would probably consider childish/gossipy.

I was a top student, went to a uni that was ranked above oxbridge that year.

I’m happy here. Don’t pretend that people’s life choices are entirely down to potential.

I have a similar background. But I don't hate it. It's part of who I am, shaped me, gave me an insight into very different experiences of life. Not everyone has the drive, wish or opportunity to do what you've ( or I have) done. Some have made poor choices, including my own brother.

I went to Cambridge, enjoyed it, did well but I wasn't drawn to the careers suggested (merchant banking? No thanks) . For me, I've squared the circle of wanting to be practical/useful ( which comes from my working class background) while enjoying a cultural and intellectual life with my spouse and friends. You might say I've wasted my Oxbridge degree but it's made me as much who I am as my home town.

You sound quite young, over time you might find you can integrate the different parts of your life story. It's worth trying, it's a richer place to be.

Oxford graduate here to add a little balance to a few things! I am guessing you are still in your twenties and are in either a corporate or arts type job in a major city now. So the world you came from looks suburban and dull now that the country mouse has become a city mouse. But I must be honest, the belonging that you did not feel at home is probably the belonging that they DO feel. If you find a place, full of friends and laughter and fun things that make you happy, you stay. The things you find fun and the people with whom you surround yourself are specific to you. Personally, I couldn't be happy on a corporate hamster wheel surrounded by people who talk about work and money on loop in the long term, and moved somewhere extremely parrochial where I have found true friends from all walks of life. But that's me. Your perception and experience of where you lived is just that, one perception and one experience among millions.

Plus the nights out - living in places like that is pretty grim and they probably don’t get much of a break from it. They probably need a bit of release.

Or maybe they just like nights out?!

I, like a PP, live in an area like you describe. I love being part of a community, having friends I've known since I was young (although like OP I didn't like many of my school friends - mine are mostly friends from a shared hobby, so in fairness a more self selecting group of People Like Me )

Like most areas it is actually quite mixed once you look beyond the stereotypes - so for everyone who never went to uni, there's someone doing a OU course and another who moved away and came back, and one who fitted in study at the local former poly.

Yanbu to dislike the area. Yabu to expect everyone tp want to better themselves and yabvu to imply that moving away to study at a redbrick uni aged 18 is the only way to have a worthwhile life.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written OP. But not the bit about "wasting" money. Because I still retain a "working class" spending pattern of keeping fixed costs relatively low and splurging on treats when I can afford to.

I wouldn't, for example, buy a larger house or move to a nicer area as an "investment" as I don't necessarily have an expectation that my circumstances will continue to improve. Whereas people born into the middle class seem to be more optimistic.
In my defense, I work in benefits/debt advice and have seen many middle class people struggle with high fixed costs in straightened circumstances so I dont feel that my way is "wrong" necessarily.
I think it's interesting to interrogate "values" and consider how much is a good thing in itself and how much is adaptative to circumstances. It's clear to me that my values around spending are an adaptation to working class life for example.
Education as well....I'm a pretty well educated person (OU as an adult, keen reader, can hold my own at a middle class dinner party) so I'm not knocking it.
But, if you look at the research education by itself is actually a pretty poor engine of social mobility because the middle classes operate a "glass floor" to prevent their own offspring becoming downwardly mobile. So an interest in education is often a cultural adaptation to the circumstances of being middle class (and particularly being a middle class parent). It's the way that they both obtain and display social status.
It may not feel that way to you as you ate the exception but it really isn't a route out for everyone.

Ah the mythical 'Oxbridge' again. No one says this IRL. No one.

Op I feel exactly the same way, I’m from the North East, never fit in there and now I live in the south it’s so much nicer in every way.

I always find it funny that the NE has a reputation for being friendly when actually to me it’s the exact opposite, I was there recently to visit family and when I went out to the shops I couldn’t help but notice how abrupt and rude everyone was.

People frequently ask me if I’ll ever move back and they’re always a bit surprised when I say no way in hell! The housing may be cheaper but I’d happily pay more not to live there

My mum even told me once that she wished she’d brought me and my sibling up elsewhere in the country because we just don’t fit in in the NE and we probably would have had better opportunities growing up in the SE.