Re sexual assault, trigger warning.

[Dilemma01A]

NC and posting here for traffic as I need to decide quickly.

Over a year ago i was the victim of a serious sexual assault by someone I met online. It was reported and the investigation has trundled along slowly. I offered my phone to the police at the time but due to budget cuts apparently they would have needed to keep it for weeks before it would be looked at properly! So they took photos of the messages that me and this man had exchanged.

A few months later there was a major issue with my phone and had to do factory reset so lost all the messages. Fast forward to now and police asked if i still had messages. I said no and now theyve come back and said can they still have the phone (if i still have it) and see if its possible to retrieve them.

Now the issue is this, i have nothing to hide from the police. I have told the truth and i have no problem with them seeing my messages. What i’m worried about is the fact that its been highlighted in these kinds of cases recently that victims have sent messages to friends that should have been used in evidence. Usually to exonerate the man.

This wouldnt be the case with me, but i have sent very personal messages, in particular to my mum and a close friend, about how low i felt at the time, just deeply personal emotions that i dont want people to see, i especially dont want the man who did this to me to see them. But if they get used in evidence then he will get to see them all. And maybe the police will want to use them as it does show how traumatised i was.

So do i hand over the phone or say i dont have it anymore?

If you do want justice and closure I would help the police in any way they requested.

The police will be able to find out if the phone is still in use from the mobile phone company. So if you lie to the police by telling them you don't have the phone, and they discover you are lying, then that will discredit you, and call into question anything else you tell them. If it went to court, the fact you lied to the police would cause the case to collapse.

I have a different sim/number now as my prior contract ended and it’s payg so I don’t think that would come up. Plus don’t forget I am the victim here, they’re not investigating me.

I do agree that on face value I should just give my phone to the police but I am already so down about the fact it’s taken so long to get to this stage and I am already dreading having it all raked up again, this just seems more trauma on top.

Sorry that you're going through this. I experienced something similar a few years ago. Unfortunately, the outcome wasn't good and it's left me feeling very sceptical of the police and how sexual assault cases are handled.

Realistically, not giving the phone could affect the outcome. However, they should have notes of what they saw when you showed them the phone before. It's a decision only you can make but it seems like you're already aware of the pros and cons.

Plus don’t forget I am the victim here, they’re not investigating me.
They will be investing you, as the evidence to prove the case will be coming from you. Yes, you are the victim, but if they leave a stone unturned during the investigation, and it is picked up on by the defence, then it won't look good.

Thanks. I don’t like the way this has been handled at all. It took 9 months for the lab to confirm a DNA match! It’s been 15 months altogether so far and hasn’t even gone to the CPS yet. Had I know that, i’m not entirely sure I would have reported it in the first place. I mean why can’t they take his phone to get the messages! He’s the one that did it. It just seems like every time I feel I might be getting back to “normal” the police get in touch about something else, and it brings it all back again.

I am so sorry that you have been through all this, and I understand entirely that you dread being traumatised again by all your personal messages being trawled through in court.
But please give the police every possible help to build a watertight case against the shit that did this to you. Because if he gets off, due to the defence discrediting you as a witness, he will be free to do this to other women. And it encourages rapists and abusers everywhere to see a victim’s evidence disbelieved because of reluctance to release phone evidence.

You'll get there eventually. But I'm afraid you are also being investigated to an extent as its your evidence.

My case took three years for it to go to court for him to play the system over and over again, resulting in it being thrown out. Absolute waste of my time and a huge drain on my emotional state. I'd probably do things differently in the future.

Yes, sadly if a friend came to me and said they were a victim i’m not sure I would be advising them to go to the police. It just feels like he’s being treated more like the victim in this. Like the police admitted that all the info he gave me was false, his name etc etc. But I am not allowed to know who he is, yet he knows so much about me. Apparently his statement was “odd” but that’s all they’d tell me, yet he gets to see my statement. I have cooperated fully all the way through but i’m just so tired of it all now. I just want my life back.

Big hugs . Hopefully, in the not so distant future, you can leave this behind, move on and get on with life.

If you don't want to share evidence it seems ridiculous to complain about the process.

I never said I didn’t want to. I just said I didn’t want my innermost emotions out on public display, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I have already decided to give my phone to the police now but if you don’t want to say anything helpful vitara then why post at all?

What is going to feel worse to you, OP? Knowing that the police will use very personal evidence to put this bastard behind bars or having him go free, after what he has done to you, because the police say you refused to hand over evidence? I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but if the fucker is found guilty, then that may go some way to helping you heal a little. Once this is over, you can breath again. 💐

Please back off, vitara. The OP has enough to deal with.

@viatra This isn’t some flippant thread about how often I change my sheets! I am quite willing to listen to people’s opinions, hence why I posted but your post added nothing to the discussion and was just plain nasty.

@perf that is my thinking too but then my pessimistic (i guess?) side thinks but yes what if I do all that and he still gets away with it? Which given the statistics he probably will.

Recent cases have been thrown out and lost at court due to disclosure issues. Police have an obligation to thoroughly investigate things.

Well I have now emailed the officer back and told him my concerns so I am being honest with them and will see what they say back.

It isnt fair or ideal for genuine victims like yourself but the police have to show they have thoroughly investigated, cases of false allegations ruin peoples lives too, so to be fair to all and to have the best chance of successful prosecution all avenues are explored. It isnt ideal but its also not personal. You have come this far don't give up now.

Re your innermost feelings, unless prosecution bring them into the case then text messages to others wouldnt be relevant for cross examination, so again depends how prosecution builds their case. You are likely to have to relive and confront those feelings though; it os only right that a court hears how this has truly affected you in order to convict and sentance this person correctly.

Stay strong dont let this define you, it is the assailants definition not your own.

That’s good that you’ve contacted them, OP. I hope they put your mind at ease.

Would it help to think that if the worst happens and he does get off, at least you will have done your best? If you don’t hand over your phone, will you be able to move forward or will you always wonder, what if?

If you lie about not having the phone and this comes out in court the jury will automatically think you lied about the assault sadly. If you don't want to give your phone that's fine but again they will draw an inference that you are hiding something even if you are not. So I would let them look at it, explain the master reset etc and if you have it evidence that this happened so you are seen as honest and transparent. Sorry you are going through this stressful process

Well I’m definitely not going to lie about the phone because as I say, I have now emailed the police back. As I said in my original post, at the time of my video interview they did take photographs of every message that was exchanged between us, so it’s not as if they don’t have them. So unless the police are going to be accused of doctoring the photos I don’t really see the difference. But, I will base my decision on what they come back to me with. Thank you to the helpful posters, it has helped me work through it in my own head.

I know from personal experience how horrible the process is, and I understand how you feel about the fact that you are kept so much in the dark. It's horrible knowing that your private life is on display to this man, while he gets to retain his privacy - I felt the same way about all my statements etc being shared with the bastard. :-(

Now you've started the process though, you have done the hardest bit. You've gone through 15 months of an investigation already. I know it takes a lot of strength, but cooperating will give you and the police the best chance of putting this man away.

I would find it very difficult to advise a victim to report, having experienced the process myself, but now that you have reported you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power (which I acknowledge isnt much), to achieve the right outcome.

And vitara - fuck off

Your comments are unwanted, unhelpfully and shitty.

If the messages are just about feeling low I doubt they would count against you but would instead be evidence of how vulnerable you were at the time. Refusing to hand your phone over would look much worse in a defence than a few texts to your Mum about being down. Especially after recent publicity.