To feel hurt

[Hiphopster]

Family member getting married in a few months. I’m reading, my son is an usher. Found out that my ex husband and his partner are invited. My ex was emotionally abusive, I cannot stand his company despite outward bare civility to him. Post separation my family were upset that they had witnessed his behaviour and not intervened. I don’t blame them for that at all. They have no ongoing relationship with ex other than casual bumping into where everyone is civil
and I’m fine with that. I have no idea why he’s invited to the wedding nor why this wasn’t mentioned to me prior to. It is the couples day I reside and the one related to me is too young to have appreciated the extent of my marital problems but I know in his maturity will have understood. My sister who is paying for the wedding and consulted on the invites is saying she didn’t realise he was invited, which I regretfully don’t believe. Am I being over sensitive? Ex has accepted the invite

^ I realise

I'd be massively pissed off, not just hurt. It doesn't make sense for him to have been invited.

I am seven, and it’s so unlike me to be so. The reason given was my ex did a lot of sports coaching for the groom (my nephew) when he was young and he wanted to thank him. Ex did do a lot but nephew is now 29, could he not have thanked him in a different way. Feel so hurt and hurt has never been a feature in my family

So sorry to hear that op! Your family should have never invited him to the wedding as he is no longer part of the family. Is it possible to withdraw the invitation? Could you decline your own invitation. I know how tough seeing someone who has abused you could have a very negative effect on you and bring you back down. Please don't go op you could send your son and have him collected or avoid the thing altogether and have a lovely day somewhere else away from the affair.

Thanks Rolla. I have considered not going and passing the reading on. My son is only 15 so I feel like ding want to make him feel awkward on the day (though he has virtually no relationship with his dad). I feel like I’ll wait for speeches then depart and taxi my lad home later. Even if my ex has his invite withdrawn I feel everything is trainted by the original invite.

Spelling is awful, apologies tired eyes

I am so surprised that your very close family would do this because its just outright wrong he has abused you one of their own!! Makes my blood boil.. Don't entertain them even a bit just don't go to it. They made their bed let them lay in it as sayings go. Am so so sorry you are going through this mess you really shouldn't have to! Sending you lots of hugs

Thanks Rolla. They are good people, I feel it’s just lack of thought but I’ve tolerated enough thoughtlessness in life, I’m not going to just say “it’s fine” this time x

You matter as an individuel you have a voice. I don't think they were thoughtless but more of oh she will deal with it sort. I have sent invites to my wedding and a couple who has recently split who are both close to me. I called my cousin first to ask whether it was OK and how he would feel if I invited his ex wife and only after having a go ahead I went through with it. There is no excuse for blatant ignorance. X

You are not being over sensitive, this type of thing can be very hard to navigate.

What is the link between him and the bride/groom?

That’s my problem Rolla, I always just deal with everything. No more! I won’t make the wedding a battleground but I will fulfil a duty then please myself. You handled your situation very well. Thank you for your words x

Sorry, hadn't refreshed the page and can see you have answered my Q.

I think the reasoning is dubious at best.

Differentname the groom is my nephew (my sister’s son) so my ex was his uncle by marriage.

X

I’m just baffled over the invite. I thought couples usually struggled to keep numbers to the limit. my pair appear to have gone straight to the bottom of the barrel. Sorry, petty I know but it feels good to say it. Thanks for words of support

You're more than entitled to be hurt by this. Does nephew know about the reason for relationship breakdown? Although he's an adult it's possible his parents have shielded him as it's not nice to hear a loved family member is abusive. I don't know if my experience will help you find a solution or not but here's my recent experience- mum's partner since I was 9 is abusive. Awful excuse for a human being. By some miracle I found a wonderful man at 16 (well he was a boy then I suppose) who I married last year after 10 years together. We invited my mum. Only her and my young siblings on invite. 3 years exactly between engagement and wedding and I had to hear repeatedly from mum about how unreasonable I was not wanting her abusive partner there. I stuck to my guns. On my wedding day I repeatedly heard about how I was being awful to her, embarassing her by making her attend my wedding alone. I do not regret for 1 second not inviting him and so happy I didn't have to see him or look like a hypocrite having him anywhere near me on my wedding day. Although this is nephew's wedding and you should have every right to go enjoy it I think it would likely still feel awful seeing your ex there. If I were you I'd initially establish that the couple were aware (as briefly but to the point) of why your ex is your ex. I'd be heartbroken if anyone felt this way about my own wedding and would most certainly uninvite the abuser!

Thanks owl. I’m so glad you stuck to your guns x

I do think my reaction to hearing the news (which was to burst into unvoluntary tears and say I’m gutted) had caused some panic. Not to the couple because I’m too bloody polite for that! I do think my nephew is unaware of the extent of the issues but my sister who has helped create the guest list isn’t. She’s always so supportive. This appears to have been a blind spot but it so fundamental to me (and she knows that) that i’m struggling to engage in the whole event

You need an honest chat with your sister, up to her to speak with your nephew. My guess is he’s too young and naive to know or realise the impact. Are you close to him? Will he be upset if you don’t attend if the ex is there?

Thanks Why. Yes I’m close to him and he’d be really upset if I didn’t attend. We’re a small family. He does know my son doesn’t engage with his dad much and I know he’s aware of strands of my ex’s unacceptable behaviour. It’s so confusing x

I definitely agree with pp about having a chat with your sister.

I totally agree it's important you put across to sister how hurt you are. It's not fair that you make such a big positive step for yourself and your family to remove the tumour that is an abuser from your life for them to continue to be treated like family and respected. I have uncles/aunts who have now split and I see them as much family as each other without them being blood relatives. However had one been abusive it completely changes. Hopefully your sister understands and is pro active in dealing with this situation that shouldn't have occurred in first place!

Thanks for your advice all x

you make such a big positive step for yourself and your family to remove the tumour that is an abuser

Owl quite separately to my issue, this is a marvellous statement. Thank you

I just always absolutely love when I hear about someone being so strong and making that move. It can't be easy to do and I can't say I can understand as I can't from the relationship side but having grown up in the situation I can empathise and I'm so happy for you and your son on your clean break :D

I think you have every right to ask for your ex to be disinvited, or you won’t go. They are awful for inviting him.