How does one notice if one expects to much from life?

[ConfusedWife1234]

So my life is pretty good but I am sad about some things in our marriage. Basically the fact that we rarely go out, my husband hates socializing (we do it, but I know he hates it) and that we do not do fun things together. He has health problems so I think it is partly because he cannot.
I am still young audit makes me sad.

How can I know if I have reasons to be sad or if I am just expecting the moon on a stick.
Do you think there are fool proof objective criteria?

There are no objective criteria - a situation that makes one person happy could horrify another, and each for their own reasons.

For how long have you been married? Because a bit of disappointment six months in, is different to a "what could have been" 30+ years later.

For six years now.

Do you think there are fool proof objective criteria?

No, absolutely not. No one's life/marriage is perfect - the question to ask is do the good parts outweigh the bad? If your husband left you tomorrow, would you feel devastated or relieved?

I would feel devasted but maybe for all the wrong reasons. I would feel devasted because in my subculture divorce is not really accepted and always blamed on the woman and because I would be worried about my children’s future.
I also do love him but I am not sure if he loves me back which is the worst for me.

What makes you think he doesn't love you back?

I am not sure, because he never tells me he loves me.
He has been sick for long and never told me he was sorry. I mean he does not have to tell me he is sorry that he is sick but that he is sorry that we never do the things other people do.

You mention your subculture - is it one in which it's difficult for men to express their emotions? Did he used to tell you he loved you when you were first together, or is this something he has never done? Does he show love in other ways - the small things are often what counts, such as doing things to make your life easier, paying you compliments, being generally thoughtful? It's quite easy for a partner to tell you they love you - showing that they love you is what really counts.

Great questions, because I did not really grow up in my own subculture. That makes no sense, does it? My parents are pretty mainstream, they raised us pretty mainstream. I think in that group the men typically are expected to be more manly and I think that telling your wife you are sorry is not expected from them...
My dh however talks abou his emotions, how he is unhappy with his job and so on a lot, he is just not talking about how he loves me.

Did he tell me when we met? He did actually once. One time I remember.

He sometimes does compliment me, yes, maybe once a month. He does things for me, but he never ask for my opinion on anything. He does what he thinks is good for me instead of asking me what I would like.

Not seeking your opinion on things, and believing he knows what's best for you, don't sound a good basis for a fulfilling marriage if I'm honest, OP. You say you weren't really brought up in your subculture, but I wonder how much of it you have absorbed into your subconscious, and how much it has affected your expectations of your marriage. It might be difficult, but could you try mentally to put yourself in the shoes of someone outside the culture, and ask if you would be happy?

You mention a fear for your children's future - is this because a separation would cause a scandal? How do you think your children are affected by the negative aspects of your marriage as it is - your disappointment/low mood, and the example of the man being the decision-maker?

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though your husband is controlling of you - is this the life you want to lead? Ultimately, a scandal caused by the break up of a marriage will die down - it might take time, but this will happen, because other things will overtake it. You have to weigh up the long-term benefits against the short term distress and difficulty - not an easy task .

Different people have different ways of showing love. Some say it, some try to do things for the other person, some are physically affectionate etc

Or any of those things may be controlling instead of loving.

No, I don't think there are objective criteria, but I suppose the main thing is whether you feel safe to discuss the subject with him. Not in an accusing way, but to say 'I would really like to socialise more, but I know you don't enjoy it. How can we make this work for both of us?'

Maybe with some suggestions. What interests do you have that you could persue? Join a choir or a running club, or a knitting circle etc

Or, looking at your posts again, something like 'I appreciate you making decisions you think are best for us, and I would like to be more involved in those decisions in future - I would like us to be a team'

If you can't have those discussions then it is a problem. If you can, but never have, then it is something to try.

I was in a sad mood when I wrote this.

Yes, I told dh I was unhappy with some things and he basically said he can do no better. He has health problems.
So when we discussed it he seemed to be sad, he seemed to think that I was being unfair and expecting too much... and maybe he is even right. I do not know.