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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dh is not helping my anxiety and making me feel unloved.

20 replies

whatisforteamum · 04/05/2018 20:12

I've posted lots.on relationships.My husband and I have had some bad times which we saw through for the dcs rightly or wrongly.I work many hours and rarely have time off with him.He decided a few.years ago to take up golf after a heart attack.
He put this before holidays and my 50th.
Recently he has played even more using up annual leave in the winter to play.
I had to give up driving due to anxiety with no known cause.last year.My Dad died too and I took on a new job.
During this time he has been of little.support.
This week we were going away.Due to my anxiety and shocking weather I decided to stay home.He went anyway then came home for an impromptu golf day.He went golfing twice two weeks ago and a meal out with the lads.
Today he begrudgingly took me out.Tonight he just ate tea and went out saying it was to get fuel.came home an hour later.Somehow if the lads say jump he does.Sometimes it's the early hours before he gets home.
I feel angry and unloved.My grown up son can see that.Sometimes he jokes I'm needy.
Surely my marriage is fuelling my anxiety?Please be kind I am quiet low.I can't go anywhere except work due to my nerves.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 04/05/2018 20:18

Do you need us to convince you he's a shit? You already know that.

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/05/2018 20:21

I'm sorry about your anxiety but he shouldn't have to give up his life because you wont leave the house, He's had his reality check and mortality questioned by virtue of a heart attack. Did you really expect him to sit in in doors because you cancelled a week away/

Your anxiety is the root, not his golf, you need to get it dealt with.

NCThatsInevitablyGoingToFail · 04/05/2018 20:23

So you're around 50? You're unhappy. He's selfish and has detached himself. Can you imagine yourself living apart from him? Think what it would be like when your son has left home - you'll be even more lonely then.

ConfusedWife1234 · 04/05/2018 20:24

I am not sure if this is very helpful. My dh has anxiety because he has got ptsd and there is many places he cannot go... basically when it is loud and crowded. So I go with my friends... I go without him... and it is breaking my heart he cannot go there.
I think it is very unfair for him... but I decide to go nevertheless... because it would be even more unfair if none of us went.

I know some spouses if those with ptsd and all of us go places without their hubby. However those spouses are younger than you (I think they are between 19 and circa 40). We have discussed this and said it is better one person is unhappy than two person and my hubby he says I should go out without him.
He said he does not mind. In fact I remember discussing this with another man with ptsd (I think he is mid twenties and his wife early twenties) and he said it was better for him when at least she is enjoying herself.

Sorry, maybe off topic. I just wanted to say that maybe it is good if your husband has a bit of fun with his lads too. Of course he should not desert you but he has to take care of his own well being too.

ConfusedWife1234 · 04/05/2018 20:25

Did not read your other posts by the way. So i just commented on what I did read here.

ConfusedWife1234 · 04/05/2018 20:27

BTW I really think a spouse cannot help anxiety. You need to do CBT or another therapy for that. He or she can just support.

daphneduck · 04/05/2018 20:31

Oh dear OP.

I always read these posts and think that the husband’s side of things would be interesting to know.

Perhaps he feels like he doesn’t want to miss out on life because you don’t want to leave the house. Unfortunately, he has had a major health scare and maybe wants to get out and live life. You sound very much the opposite. I don’t think he can cure your anxiety - you’ll need to seek professional help to do this.

Motoko · 04/05/2018 20:33

Time to end the marriage. It's rarely/never a good idea to stay together just for the children.

You'll most likely feel better if you don't have to live with someone who doesn't want to be there.

ConfusedWife1234 · 04/05/2018 20:35

BTW how can one see another posters other messages? I would be interested in reading them to learn more about your marriage, Op and maybe give some advice more helpful.

adaline · 04/05/2018 20:38

Oh OP.

I remember your previous threads - you worked long hours and often picked your job over your marriage. If I recall right, your husband then took up golf and you resented it taking priority over you whenever you did have a rare day off together.

I'm very sorry you're struggling but I think in a way you're now reaping what you've sown in the past. I'm sorry if that sounds unpleasant but you spent a long time prioritising your job over your marriage, and now you're unhappy because your husband isn't prioritising you.

If you're struggling, you need to see your GP and access professional help. In my experience (from suffering from anxiety in the past), you can't expect your partner to curtail his social life for you. It's not fair on him and in the long run it won't make you better.

Coralcolouredchrome · 04/05/2018 20:55

I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Perhaps your husband is the sort of person who thinks, if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. Unfortunately, there are still an awful lot of people who think people in your position should just, get a grip, and pull themselves together. I have a friend who suffers with anxiety and depression, and I feel so sorry for her. At least your hubby has found an outside interest, and not sitting at home blaming you because you never go out as a couple. I hope with some help, you find a way of controlling your anxiety, and are able to live something like a normal life.

iamyourequal · 04/05/2018 20:58

OP it’s awful you are suffering but you have to seek help and deal with it. I don’t think anyone can blame your husband for finding a hobby and spending time with friends. Time at home is probably very challenging for him if your anxiety is that bad. You must seek help. Please believe me. In my work I frequently meet older woman who end to alone and lonely, sitting worrying and ruminating over life who haven’t dealt with their anxiety. Surely you, your husband and your marriage deserve better than that. It’s not too late to turn this around and enjoy life again. 💐

kitkatsky · 04/05/2018 20:58

As someone who has really suffered with anxiety, I recognise now how hard it is to be with someone with anxiety. With respect if you want him to cut you some slack, you need to fit him some too. He's not behaving well, but he's not worse than you. You can use the anxiety excuse and maybe you should be, but don't forget to
Put yourself in his shoes too

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 04/05/2018 21:16

Thank you all.We used to do everything together.I felt loved and cared for.I do pull myself together regarding work..we need the money and so somehow I man up.to a predominantly male role and complain less to.
If you saw me you would think I was confident.Only last week I almost passed out in the town centre when terror took o over me.The very next day I was fine.I was signed up for cbt when Dr died and I had dm to help and a new job.
As far as I know it's not the menopause.I just feel down that he spends so much time with the lads.Don't get me wrong I'm pleased he went away without me and saw a change of scene.The Ptsd analogy is very helpful thank you.I have never been a sociable type.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 04/05/2018 21:18

You do need to get professional help and start to get out and about on your own and develop some interests. Your children are grown up and you have more free time. It’s perfectly normal for couples to have their own interests and friends when they don’t have little kids needing them at home.

You really need some interests and friends of your own so you don’t feel isolated if he goes off to play golf.

ConfusedWife1234 · 04/05/2018 21:55

The doctor died? Oh, that sucks. Are you on another waiting list now? Do you have people with the same condition to talk to? My dh used To hate going to the town center so much. You are not alone and it can get better, okay?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 05/05/2018 07:40

My Dad died...this tablet is playing up.I don't have very much free time at all.I get up 7 am home from work 1030.,I work 50/55 hours a week normally and won't see.th for around three weeks now apart from Fri eve.If he.doesnt.go out without saying he is.I work loads be wise that is my job and dh refuses to.get.another job.despite earning the same.as.our school le aver son.
Making friends is very happy d when you do shift work with people in their 20s.I get on well with them though.I just don't know any women my age.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 05/05/2018 07:54

Confused.wife do you mind me asking what caused your dh s ptsd?How does.it manifest itself?

OP posts:
ConfusedWife1234 · 05/05/2018 08:38

Maybe you should find a hobby we’re you meet other people or join a church group or a charity... or maybe join a group for people with anxiety (online or offline). My dh has ptsd from the military and he does not like going to the town center at all. How does it manifest itself? That question is hard to answer in short words. He basically avoids many things because they make him feel afraid and stress him.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 05/05/2018 09:11

I am sorry to hear that.The situation must be difficult.Mostly I seem ok.Weirdly crossing the busy road is the hardest part of my working day......it makes no sense.All my siblings have MH issues and at least I manage to work.I've always had social anxiety however many colleagues find it hard to believe as I'm outspoken and confident at work.
M

OP posts:
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