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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To meet my ex’s mum

14 replies

Jellypals · 04/05/2018 18:28

My ex and I split a couple of months ago but ended on fairly good terms. We haven’t really been in contact since because it’s still raw and there’s no point really.

I moved away from where

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 04/05/2018 18:31

Sadly this will not go down well with the ex. I know from sad experience when your children's relationships end, the partners are taken out of your life. They don't take it kindly if you maintain any contact

Jellypals · 04/05/2018 18:31

...we lived together and as I got on really well with his family and never got to see them before I moved, his mum text me to say how saddened by the whole thing she was and she didn’t want to lose contact with me.

She asked me to let her know if and when I was back in the area so she could meet me and I would be happy to meet her but I suppose I don’t want stepping on toes or for him to think I instigated the contact if she hasn’t told him.

I have no doubt that she will tell him she met up with me, but don’t know if she’ll mention she reached out first.

What to do? I will only ever be back in the area once/twice a year so it’s not like it would be a monthly occurrence.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 04/05/2018 18:33

Do have children in common?

What would be the point of maintaining contact?

I think ExMil is just nosey and wants your side of the story as her DS isn't telling her.

LeChatDeNuit · 04/05/2018 18:34

No, I think that would be weird.

Barbaro · 04/05/2018 18:42

No it's weird. If you have no kids, there's no point.

LeChatDeNuit · 04/05/2018 18:44

My ex’s ex stayed in contact with his parents even though she’d only met them a handful of times. She even dropped in on them one day because she was in the area.

His parents had said to her ‘keep in touch’ out of politeness and were really confused to still be getting Christmas cards from her nearly 10 years on. It was embarrassing. And weird.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/05/2018 18:46

Its weird. She is your ex Mum and that part of your life is over unless you have dc with your ex

IronMansIronButt · 04/05/2018 18:46

No it's weird. If you have no kids, there's no point

Unless you like her and you want to, in which case there is every point.

UserV · 04/05/2018 18:53

Tricky one. And I have known at least 5 or 6 examples of this over the years.....

When couples are together for a while, the parents and family grow close. The couple are hurt by the split (usually one more than the other,) but many people forget about the wider family, and how hurt THEY are by the couple splitting.

My friend (let's call her Poppy,) split from her boyfriend a year ago, after 7 years, and his mother and little sister (14,) were devastated. It was his fault, as he cheated, and dumped her for another woman.

She did however, keep contact with the mother and little sister, much to his disgust and anger (AND the new girlfriend's!) Poppy said they were like her own family, and she wasn't about to lose them too.

Even though it pissed off her ex and his new flame, his mother said he has no right to say she and his sister cannot stay friends with Poppy.

After a few months, Poppy's ex and his new flame finished anyway. Whether it was because of Poppy staying friends with his mother and sister she doesn't know. And she doesn't care.

She meets his mother and sister once every 6-8 weeks for coffee. They don't discuss him.

OP, if you want to meet his mother now and again, it's up to you; your ex has no right to say yay or nay!

tillytrotter1 · 04/05/2018 18:53

Why not? It seems that people here are looking at a relationship as a package, break with one, break with the lot. My cousin is apparently annoyed that her ex and his new partner drop in here when they're visiting her family not far away. As far as I see it, she and he are separated, not me. If you meet her and it's clear that she's fishing then you'll know not to meet her again.

Bluelady · 04/05/2018 19:05

If you like her and take pleasure in her company, why not? It really isn't weird.

fitbitbore · 04/05/2018 19:50

I met an exs mum quite a few times and when he found out he didn't speak to her for six months and we had to stop meeting. Shame really I missed her more than him 😂

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 04/05/2018 19:55

Nah, I wouldn't. It would be too messy. Everyone should just move on.

The common denominator here is your ex. If it wasn't for him, these people wouldn't be in your life.

Make a clean break.

Mightymucks · 04/05/2018 20:06

If you were still socialising with him I’d say YANBU. But as you’re not and you’re not really a part of his life anymore it’s a bit inappropriate to reinsert himself via your mother.

And you don’t want him to get a new girlfriend and be the perfect ex that got away lurking in the background with his MIL saying how great you are and never being quite reconciled to him not being married to you.

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