Did I go too far?

[MissCharleyP]

Hi, please be gentle (fairly new and first time poster)!

I don’t want to be able to be ID’d but here goes:

Met my DH 3 years ago, moved in pretty quick and married last year. He is older than me (by 20 > years), we met at work, he was in a much more senior position than me and therefore earned more.

We were both made redundant last year and relocated to my hometown (his choice, I’d have moved anywhere) as we couldn’t afford to stay in the kind of house in the area we were in and would only have been able to buy a flat at best. Sold the house, bought outright here. When he got divorced (I was not the cause - she went off with someone else), I paid a substantial sum from my savings/inheritance so that we could stay in the house as back then we had no inkling of the redundancies etc.

Now, he retired after the redundancy. I had a six month contract which ended last summer, since then I have only managed a temp job in retail over Xmas. The area we live has really high rates of unemployment and even though my last permanent role was a managerial position and I have a specific skill set, there just doesn’t seem to be any call for it here! And when I apply for lower level positions I get nowhere as they think I’ll be off as soon as a role suited to my skills comes up! (Been told this by a recruiter).I’m now waiting to hear on 2 jobs that are in my field, one has a long recruitment process, the other I should hear about within the next week.

I’ve been living on my redundancy and some savings I made when I was working so I have still been able to get my hair done, go to the gym etc. However, DH was diagnosed with an illness earlier this year, he is getting treatment and improving, so it looks good.

The issue I have is his family (sister really) EVERY time we speak and I mean EVERY sodding time, she puts in a remark about me being a ‘kept woman’, whatever the conversation has been about (weather, holidays, potholed roads) and it’s getting on my ti*s. I’m going out with a friend tomorrow and he said did I want any money, I got a bit upset and said I was sick of his sister saying that. He said she was joking and I shouldn’t take it personally. I don’t want to stress him out while he’s ill and I’ve uncharacteristically kept my mouth shut till now. I point out to her (every time) that if I’d been at work, I wouldn’t be able to stay with him for hospital appointments and to look after him at home. I just get the impression she thinks I’m making no attempt to find work and happy to live off him.

Should I have said nothing?

None of her business but often the money does play a part when there is a big age gap.

Why talk to someone who's so annoying? Just don't engage with her.

Just ignore her. The only opinion which matters is that of your husband whom it sounds does not view you as 'a kept woman' but quite rightly as his wife who is now part of his family. In a marriage you usually both contribute as and when needed. You helped him when he needed it and he helps you when you need it. There is absolutely no need to be ashamed or defensive about this.
Sadly you are unable to make as much money as you were making previously at the moment but Im sure in the future you will be again and Im sure your husband knows this.

Ignore the sister she is an idiot and possibly jealous of seeing two people committed to taking care of each other through thick and thin.

Reply.

Yes I am a kept woman. Kept on my own savings, wages and inheritance. Good job your brother married some money eh?

That should shut her up!

"No - I am not a kept woman - thankfully - I am a woman of independent means"

You can say tits, its fine.

She sounds very jealous of your dh and suspicious of you. Shame. Have as little as you can to do with her. Is that possible? I like what MaxPepsi said.

It’s not always by choice I speak to her - DH will often pass the phone over when he’s talking to her.

Excellent replies! Thank you!

I wasn’t sure about swearing etc. so played it safe!

I'd pull her up on it every time, not let it be passed off as a joke. You have to be prepared for it - people who make digs like that rely on the fact that the conversation will have moved on while you're in shock at their rudeness. If you're mentally ready, you can stop her and ask "Why would you say that? It's a very odd thing to say." Every time. Never let her away with it. You can say it pleasantly, but mark it each time she does it.

That would annoy the tits off me too!
You didn't go too far.
I think I'd have to say something, I'm not confrontational but maybe

"I know you must be joking when you say I am a kept woman, but actually I am living off my savings and trying to find work and its hard when people joke about it. I'm hoping the work situation will improve for me soon, I'm trying to keep positive."

Then quickly change the subject.

Of course you have a choice to speak to her - just say to your DH to stop passing you the phone!

Next time DH hands the phone to you with his sister on the other end just hang up without speaking to her! Why should you have to make conversation with her when he doesn’t bother?

Cheeky mare. I would say “who exactly do you think is keeping who? You do realise I’m the only one earning here?”

YWB (a bit) U to take it out on your DH but entirely understandable given the provocation. Keep your frustration for his DSis and concentrate on supporting your DH through his recuperation.

None of her business but often the money does play a part when there is a big age gap.

What absolute bollocks.

You didn't go far enough, cheeky cow, who does she think she is.

I've had this too, I know how hurtful it can be. In my case, I had to leave my job because of illness. I know that the person who said it was deliberately trying to cause offence.

YANBU to be upset. Next time it happens, pull her up on it. "I know you're joking, but please don't say that. I'm trying really hard to find work, but it's not easy. I could use some support, not undermining comments".

you need to get out of this dead end town...

You need to tell this woman not to keep saying this as it's hurtful and untrue seeing as you have saved and live off your own means...

Other people's families are what they are, but you don't need to be great mates with his sister...... 20 years older is a lot- if you want to be a bitch, say 'being a kept woman wasn't one of my generations options, that's more yours isn't it?'

Best answer is from @Maxpepsi 😂
Fight back fgs, spell out the facts. Also say to her that you love her brother are getting hacked off at her continual snipes!

I always say 'sorry? What do you mean?' If they repeat I say 'no, you've lost me, I don't know what you mean, you're going to have to explain that' repeat.......

Next time she says it just ask her if she is taking the mickey. If she says she is joking just tell her she needs to 're evaluate what she finds funny. Ugh I hate Soul's always think they are better than you.

She’s saying it because you are seemingly living off her brother; she doesn’t care about the truth of the situation. Next time she says this, perhaps make a joke out of it in front of everyone.

Not sure what to say to help OP but I feel your pain and you have my sympathy!

I was made redundant in February, I have secured a new job but I don't start until June. This wasn't an issue because I was paid 3 months in lieu of notice plus I received a settlement plus I have plenty of savings.

So I'm happily enjoying my 4 months off!

People still feel the need to make comments to my DH about me being a "kept woman".

Fuck.Right.Off.

Thanks very much everyone. Really appreciate it. DH does speak to her but then passes phone to me. He’s thrilled that I get on (by and large and until this!) with his family as his ex didn’t make much effort. I think I’ll try the “Sorry, what do you mean?” angle, done this with a bullying manager in the past and worked like a charm!

Next time he passes the phone to you, wordlessly pass it back.