to have reached a limit with my MIL, needing advice!

[tryingtobereal]

The DH and I moved to the US nearly a year ago before we were married. I always got on reasonably OK with the MIL and we would have a friendly conversations and I would always send her cute gifts over the years. I don't think she ever loved me, but it was not hostile and I just tried my best to build a relationship.

Then two months ago we got married, she flew over to our small wedding here, which we changed plans for to accommodate her ( we wanted to elope since we have a big wedding later in the year) and everything changed. This event was all a bit of a blur, but the only thing that stood out was that when my mother asked if she would like to have lunch in London sometime, she told my mother that she never goes to London anymore (not true, and an insulting brush off).

Then a couple of weeks ago I notice my DH is getting these messages saying she feels like she isn't needed or wanted any more. Then emails about when she dies she wants him to have this and that. We are very homesick and finding it hard here, which she knows so this was a horrible slap in the face.

And frankly bonkers, because my DH adores his mother but after her remarrying a few years ago she's been jet setting around the world and did not see my DH very often. Ive also tried to send her sweet messages about how she is, and I just get back "All Good". Not asking about me, no conversation.

Now today I see she posted a link on Facebook about how abandoning parents is illegal in China. The guilt trip is insane and I suppose i'm secretly heartbroken she doesn't see she has gained a daughter.

I snapped and sent her a message about how she had two wonderful sons.
Was I being unreasonable and these are marital growing pains? Or was i right to try and stop her?

I can understand why you snapped, but it probably will do more harm than good.

From your OP I imagine that perhaps you expect a little too much from the relationship with her. Sending her cute gifts and sweet messages. I guess you do all of that because your DH isn’t interested and you feel it’s your job to keep the contact going? But unfortunately, it sounds like she takes his lack of interest as abandonment and doesn’t see your efforts as a satisfactory substitution.

I might be wrong and he is in constant contact with her (you only mention emails from her to him, not the other direction), in which case, she’s bonkers.

Sorry but if my son moved to the US I’d be absolutely heartbroken. No wonder she feels she is not part of your life, how can she be from so far away? Agree you did more harm than good with your message to her.

Sorry but if my son moved to the US I’d be absolutely heartbroken. No wonder she feels she is not part of your life, how can she be from so far away

Why? Aren’t you bringing your children up to be independent human beings who live the best life for themselves?

I’d be gutted if my kids felt they had to stay near me out of guilt.

Just to say yes, my husband calls her one a week and messages her often. He also goes to see her nearly once a month or every six weeks since he flies back to the UK often. I had to stay here over Christmas, and he went hope to spend it with her.

You leaving for the US and then getting married must have been a big deal for her, even with flights being so readily available these days. She sounds as if she's handled it like a toddler though.

I'd stay out of it as best as possible. Let your DH handle most things with his mum, just as he would if he was on his own. Obviously it needs to be as a united front and any actual decisions need to be made jointly, but don't become the designated communicator just because you've married into the family. Let him sort all that and look after his own mum, especially if she's going to snub your emails etc. I doubt he'd liaise much with yours or call her up on passive aggressive facebook posts!

I also wonder how happy her own new marriage is? If she's generally been a nice enough person previous could she be having a bit of a crisis of loneliness? Not that excuses unpleasantness, just might explain the change in behaviour.

It sounds like she is having some anxiety over discovering her mortality. She needs to see a therapist and sort herself out.

She needs to make a life for herself. People who live through their children and cling on to them like this are annoying and grim. You don’t raise your children to be your life companions.

Your dh has plenty of contact with her by the sounds of it, she’ll just have to get on with it.

She sounds emotionally immature and a pita OP but your expectations were sky high and are not helping you.
She doesn't want to gain a daughter and tbh you don't want her as a new Mum either. Try to distance yourself.

She’s getting weekly phone calls and 6 weekly visits. The that’s more than many locals.

As pp said she needs therapy to address the underlying issues.

You say she remarried an few years ago and travelled a lot, is she widowed? Where is the new husband?

Sounds like she misses your DH and the US seems a long way away. Has she had a few friends/relatives die recently? My mum went through this 'when I go, x is behind the clock etc'. I would just reply, don't tell me this now, write it down, I'll have forgotten by then.' It was a phase. Same as comparing ages of people dying, the age was sometimes more important than the cause. Ageing and facing ones own mortality takes some hardr than others.

Your DH seems to be dealing with it. Weekly phone calls, visits etc. Unfollow her on Facebook if you don't like her messages. But all in all it doesn't sound too bad. Especially as she is that far away.

Regardless of whether or not she's upset that you and your DH have moved she has no right to make you feel guilty and anxious about it. She may not like the decision but she has to accept it was yours to make. And it sounds like things could be much better than they are but she's choosing to wallow instead of making the best of things.

I don't think you were wrong to send the message - she might need a sharp reminder that her children are individuals and that she has to respect their choices. It might also help her to realise that she is making things worse for herself by behaving this way!

I have my answer . Instead of responding to me she puts a post on Facebook saying

Short trip to London. Saw both my sons Stayed at the Ritz and went to Fortnums for dinner. “Tryingtobereal” is right I do have great sons.

(Name replaced with username)

So done

I'd view her post as a little shit stirring tbh. Surely it begs a question of why you'd have said such a thing? I'm wondering if she can spin it in conversation with her sons into you telling her off and her meekly agreeing and them consequently being annoyed at you and protective of her....

Sorry, am cynical!