To be aching at never having children, and so sad my parents couldn't love me

[HolesInMyHeart]

It's overwhelming me tonight. I can't explain. It feels like I have no roots behind me, and won't ever be a mother to a family of my own going forward.

I'm fine really, I have a lovely partner (who has a demanding work schedule at the moment - we are in a long distance relationship at the minute, I don't want to cause stress and worry about me when we're so far apart, it's not fair) who I am besotted with and who adores me. I know I'm lucky. I know I can still have a life full of different joys and excitement.

But when I think of families in terms of having children, or having a close family of origin, I feel so sad.

I was a mistake and not supposed to be born, and have to face up to that and the fact that I fucked up my mother's life - a teen - in a way. I am so, so glad I was born though! Grateful for my life even if there are things in it that cause me intense pain. But sometimes I feel like I took something that wasn't mine to take.

Is there a medical reason you can't have children? Or something else?

I relate to your comment about roots OP....and what helped me enormously was looking into my family tree.

I found that I have deep rooted gypsy heritage....and lots of other interesting things. It helped me know who I am...could you consider that?

Do you have aunts, uncles, cousins or other family members that you could bond with more?
Sometimes parents are very different from their children glad I'm opposite to my dad

That sounds really difficult. You have as much right to your life as anyone else though. You weren't a mistake, DC are a biological plan, they are meant to be created.
Not being able to give birth if you want to is very difficult but I know people who have been able to accept this and build full lives and others who have mothered in other ways.
I hope you are able to talk to your DP soon.

Thanks, AjasLipstick. That's really interesting about your heritage, did you find any cousins who are alive today? Did you contact anyone? I love family tree stuff too, it's very interesting. Yes, I have medical problems. It's actually improved to a point now where I could maybe have a baby with a lot of risk, but I'm starting to feel that would be unfair to a child. I couldn't guarantee a child a healthy parent who could take care of them if things go wrong. Also I'm a low and erratic earner due to my health, and I think in today's day and age both parents need to be earning reliably.

Cross posted with more of you. Yep, I have good relationships with a couple of other family members. For some reason, the parental rejection can rise up every now and again and slap me in the face even now though.

I know I have a right to my life, and glad I'm here. Very privately though, I believe my mother wishes she could have had an abortion. I think she can't confront that feeling, and that she really wishes she didn't feel that way, and it comes out as resentment towards me. So, I feel guilty at times.

It doesn't matter what your Mother wishes. You shouldn't feel guilty because she was or is unable to be a decent parent.

You are what matters...you have a life and can if you want to, make a difference to people in this world in even small ways.

Re heritage, I did find some cousins in America and Australia and have spoken regularly to them online though a visit isn't on the cards at the moment.

It really doesn't matter what your mother wanted. There are thousands if not millions of human beings walking round today who were unwanted or not planned for. They are all just as entitled to life as the most longed for ivf baby. You are not less valuable or less worthy because of what your parents think.

I obviously don't know your medical probklems but if you are able to have a child and are holding back becuse of finances I would strongly urge you to consider whether or not the finances really matter. Only you know your financial situation but really couldn't you cope financially?