To want to pick my DS up from nursery once in a while

[puzzled90]

DP and I have been together for nearly 10 years and have 1 DS who is just about to turn 18 months. We both work full time - I work regular office hours, and DP works shifts, earlies, lates and an awful lot of nights, as well as weekends. Every 8 weeks DP gets 2 full weeks off as he does longer hours in those 8 weeks so has to have the time off to remain within legal working limits. DS therefore goes to nursery full time.

We try and split pick up and drop offs at nursery between us, but given my regular hours and DP's shifts I get the majority of drops off which is fine. When DP is on earlies or nights he will do the majority of pick ups. In an 8 week period, there is probably only about 5 days where due to his shifts he is physically not around to pick DS up.

I know I am still suffering with a bit of mum guilt about going back to work full time (original plan was to do 4 days - 3 at work, 1 at home and 1 off completely with DS) but the company I worked for closed so I had to find another job and the one I have is much better for us financially. I also went back earlier than planned (DS was 6.5 months, I wanted a year off but circumstances obviously changed.)

This week DP has picked DS up Mon & Tuesday so I asked if I could pick up DS Wednesday, and he could have the rest of the week. I don't want to be the mum who doesn't ever get to pick DS up from school or be involved, plus I like to know the staff at the nursery and there are usually different carers there at pick up than drop off. I finish later than DP and have a longer commute so yes DS was picked up later than if DP did pick up. However, nursery have said on the occasions where DP isn't around to pick DS up which is usually around 430 after tea, DS has started to get upset as he becomes very used to being picked up so I do feel that 1 day a week he should be left in a bit later so that he knows that some days it may be a bit later and gets used to it.

I got home last night to find DP in a massive sulk because I had picked DS up. Apparently I am selfish and a horrible person and this should be his week of picking DS up, even tho he is off all next week as well and will be doing all of the pick ups then, and the following 2 weeks!

He has literally sulked all night, not spoken to me since last night and told me in the middle of the night when DS woke up that he was so angry that he wanted to go and sleep in the spare room, even though we don't have a bed in there!

Am i being selfish for wanting 1 pick up a week? I know I do sometimes make selfish decisions for DS but in my head I am doing what I feel is best.

I think leaving him in nursery longer than needed just so you can pick him up probably is selfish yes. Whichever parent is free first picking up makes most sense to me.

I think you doing a one off slightly later pick up is ok - I do more drop offs than pick ups too but it's valuable to be able to see the staff.

I work shifts so I'm around far more for dropping off/picking up at nursery. I would not have a problem with DH picking DS up at all, so your DP is BU in sulking about it. However I don't think you should change the nursery hours to allow you to pick up on occasion, your DS is prob just tired so making him stay later unnecessarily won't help. Besides, you do a lot of the drop offs so it's not like you have no interaction with the nursery.
Is there any way you could adjust your hours even one day a week if it matters a lot to you to do the pick up?

I think this is your guilt talking. DS should be picked up at his normal time by his dad if you are not available. If you can't do pick up, you can't do it. However, I cannot stand adults sulking so your DP is being a bit of a twat.

One of the best parts of parenting a small child is being reunited with them. It’s that moment when they see you and run towards you with a big grin. So I think you’re being perfectly reasonable to want some of that for yourself.

I know this definitely stems from mum guilt, I fully admit that and have tried talking to DP about it but he doesn't want to listen and just says I'm being stupid and selfish. I go to a counsellor on a weekly basis as well as I did have some Post Partum Anxiety (and DP and I have other issues) and she has advised that it's normal to feel this way and that being involved in pick up once a week will help with this, but again DP doesn't believe this and still calls me selfish over it.

I try and have a day a week working from home so I can pick DS up at the usual time they would be, or DP and I go together if he is also around but with deadlines at work this hasn't happened as much as I would like recently.

Make life easy for yourselves and have whoever is free do the nursery runs. You’re lucky to have a partner with a schedule that allows flexibility. Mine is in school now but we almost always staggered pick ups and drop offs because that’s what worked best (though I’m on mat leave now so do neatly all of them). Before mat leave though, three days a week I left for work before my dd even woke up (5:30) and got home about 7/7:30pm just in time to see her before bedtime. That’s just life. I’m grateful to have had both a good job with a lot of flexibility and also a partner who could support me to do those hours. I enjoyed picking her up the other 2 days a week and it was also a wonderful time for my dh to have with her. I wouldn’t take that away from your dh and ds just because you’re feeling guilty. It isn’t your job alone and you need to put your own hang ups behind you. Enjoy the time you do have and let your dh enjoy his.