Struggling to support friend with ED (trigger warning)

[Pecanpickles]

My friend has an eating disorder.
She’s had it long-term, is not dangerously underweight at the moment, but very slim.
I do my very best to be there for her and be a supportive friend, and have been for several years.
Lately though she’s going through a ‘bad patch’ and keeps saying things like “I’m so fat, I’m a disgusting weak-willed loser”.
It’s hard to hear. I am at least three stone heavier than she is. Does that make me a disgusting weak willed loser?
I know it’s not about me, but really, with such negative associations with being ‘fat’, surely she must judge me? She knows my weight, she knows my clothes size. It really hurts to hear her say things like that.

Can anyone help me to get over this irritation/shame that I can’t help but feel when she talks to me?

I know you want to be able to help your friend, but part of being a therapist is that you don't take those things personally, that's part of what makes them well equipped for it. It really, truly is no reflection on you. Trust me, she is not thinking about your weight - those comments, though hurtful to you, are all about her. You need to be able to separate yourself from that. And if you can't, perhaps it's time to distance yourself. It's not your fault being upset, but you need to be able to tell yourself that her words have no connection with you.

I have anorexia. I see fat in the mirror. When I look at friends of any size I see beautiful friends. My perception of myself is distorted but I don't judge others by that distortion

Agree with the previous posters. Your friend won't apply her judgement of 'fat' to you. And in order to help her as best you can, you need to put yourself out of the picture to some extent (as you've already noted, OP). She is lucky to have a friend who wants to support her. Has she also sought any professional help?

I know it’s not about me, but really, with such negative associations with being ‘fat’, surely she must judge me?

If she's anything like me then I highly doubt it. EDs are about self-perception. I've never thought negatively of anyone at any weight, in fact I have a niggle about a stranger who pointed out other strangers' weight but if I were to rant about that it would out me because I have ranted about it before

It sounds like you both have problems if you can on the one hand accept she has an ED and on the other, make it all about your own weight.

I don't know what to suggest, other than accepting yourself as you are, or taking steps to make changes.

Either way, your weight and how you see yourself is not her problem and vice versa.

It sounds tricky! Keep in mind that her perception is completely altered so that she thinks of herself as absolutely massive and grotesque. Her brain literally cannot accurately perceive her size and the facts such as her weight and clothes size won't register in her brain when she's ill.

So don't worry about her judging your weight and just keep being a supportive friend to her. Change the subject when you can and make sure she's in therapy.

Echoing PP here, your friends comments are to do with her own self perception and nothing to do with you. I think that can be a hard thing to wrap your head around if you haven't had an ED yourself. In my experience it's partly to do with having a totally distorted body image, other peoples bodies aren't seen through the same lens as your own. It's also that the connotations of 'fat = disgusting = worthless' apply to fat on my body alone.

ShirleyValentineswall put it perfectly, when I look at my friends of any size, I see my beautiful friends. I am not judging them regardless of whether they are larger than me or not. EDs are not logical, it is perfectly possible for someone with an ED to think that they are fat and weak-willed without applying the same logic to other people.

Try to keep that in mind when talking to your friend and try to acknowledge that she's feeling negative about herself and then gently redirect the conversation.

Thanks for the understanding replies. I particularly appreciate those with EDs commenting to let me know their perspective. Very much value your insight. Thank you!