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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

25 replies

JammyGem · 02/05/2018 19:17

Long story short, DH is married to his job. His job comes before everything. It doesn't need to, he just seems to have an issue with asking for any time off, and is incapable of saying 'no' if he's asked to work extra.

He has missed so many special occasions because of this. Even when I ask him and remind him he still doesn't ask for days off, even though he knows how important they are to me. Silly things, like my birthday, or his birthday (I had booked a special restaurant for him but had to cancel in the end), my first midwife appointment, Christmas Eve, our first NYE together. Even if he had asked to work the day so he could have the evening off it would have been nice, but no.

It's our 1st anniversary this weekend. I told him I would really like it if he could get the day off so we can do something together. He surprised me by actually following through. Only now they've got a big event and he 'has to work'. I know full well that'll have just been a case of him not being able to say no to his boss. Thank fuck I'd asked him to organise something (never did) so we've not wasted money on a weekend away or anything (which was supposed ot be the plan)

I found out yesterday and was furious. I had told him before that while I could cope with being on my own for silly things like birthdays etc., our first wedding anniversary was a big deal and I'd be really upset if we didn't spend it together. Yet it obviously didn't make any difference. He says it's just a day and we can celebrate it another day, but he's missing the whole point. I ended up walking out, wandered around in despair for most of the evening and returned late to sleep in the spare room.

I calmed down this morning and he said he would meet me after work to talk things through. Only I finish work and he's not there - apparently it's been a 'nightmare' and he's staying behind for a few extra hours to help his boss. He'd rather help out his boss than save his marriage.

I'm pregnant with our first DC and realise what a mistake I've made to have a child with this man. My own DF was a workaholic and my whole childhood was marred by the disappointment of him never being there for the important events. I'd sworn to myself that I wouldn't let the same happen for my DC, but looks like it'll be exactly the same.

It's such a petty thing but he knew how much it meant to me and yet doesn't seem to care. Am I overreacting or being UR to think that this is the final straw, and the beginning of the end of our very short marriage?

OP posts:

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 19:19

I don’t think you’re overreacting, he sounds very selfish and needs a good look at his priorities!

EC22 · 02/05/2018 19:22

I don’t think you’re overreacting.
You’re not very high in hi list of priorities.
I’d be gutted.

PsychoPumpkin · 02/05/2018 19:23

You’re definitely not overreacting, it sounds as if you’ve put up with being second to work for a long time now.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 02/05/2018 19:23

I'm so sorry you've made the mistake of having a child with this man. That doesn't seem like a relationship to me.

soapboxqueen · 02/05/2018 19:24

Tbh the special days you mentioned wouldn't really be on my radar either. However, what is important is that you said they were special to you. That matters. He is unlikely to change so the big question is, are you happy to spend the rest of your life like this?

Buster72 · 02/05/2018 19:27

What is it he does?

MummyHLondon · 02/05/2018 19:29

Is everybody for real saying he is wrong?
Maybe he is focused on his career and worried about providing for his family especially with a new child about to arrive.
If he is kind then why would you let something so silly come in the way?
I used to get upset about those type of things in my 20s when I felt my partner should treat me like a princess but I now realise that there are two sides to every story.
You need to let go of things which don't matter. He is right in saying that if you can't celebrate on the day then another day will do.
You might end up scaring him and destroying what you have up to the point it will be too late.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 19:30

If he is kind then why would you let something so silly come in the way?

I don’t think that a complete disregard for your partner’s feelings and opinions is “something silly”, it’s basic respect.

Original poster

JammyGem · 02/05/2018 19:37

I don't want to be treated like a princess. I just want him to understand that there are certain times that I would like us to be together.

I spend the majority of my evenings and weekends on my own because he's working. I don't think asking for one evening off every now and then is expecting to be treated like a princess.

He is kind. But things like this make me feel so insignificant and unimportant to him.

OP posts:

NCJaneDoeNut · 02/05/2018 19:40

You knew what he was like. You shouldn’t have married him hoping he would change.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 19:41

He is kind. But things like this make me feel so insignificant and unimportant to him

He needs to understand that this is hurtful.

Original poster

JammyGem · 02/05/2018 19:41

NCJaneDoeNut You're absolutely right. Doesn't help me now though.

OP posts:

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 19:42

You aren't overreacting OP - he isn't prioritising ever. It's not just that you aren't always top of the list, it's that you never are.

Is it too drastic to try an ultimatum?

Thebluedog · 02/05/2018 19:47

He will never get any better I’m afraid. My exh was like this, his job came before EVERYTHING! I was the high earner in the relationship but even my job came second to his, I was always the one that had to leave work for the kids or go in late. He missed parents evenings and sports days and birthdays. It was one of the reasons we split up. He’s still like it now, always too busy, or working away to be reliable with the kids..

katmarie · 02/05/2018 19:47

You aren't over reacting but realistically, is he ever going to change if he's always been this way? That's what you need to ask yourself, and if he has always been this way then in all honesty, it's very unlikely that a switch is going to flip. My ex was like this and I waited years, for him to put me first over work. It never happened. Think about what your future looks like if he never changes, is that how you want to live?

comaawakening · 02/05/2018 19:48

Nothing helpful to add other than I promised myself I would never marry anyone like my dad, but I did. I didn't see it at the time but I sure do now. Must be something deeply programmed inside.

MaMisled · 02/05/2018 19:52

I married a man like this op and believe me, when babies come along it cuts even deeper. You hurt for yourself and for them. He was the manager of a large, plush and popular venue and just could not delegate or bear to miss out on receiving credit for the functions. His working day, for years, was 7am until 1am, often 2 or 3am. On his mid week day off he'd sleep in til 12 then be grumpy, tired and intolerant of our 3 small DCs.

The marriage lasted 10 yrs and we're still great friends but he was totally driven by money. He believed happiness lay in a big house and flash cars. He missed our DCs childhood completely.

Keep trying to talk and reason with your DH, taking care not to nag but to make sure he knows you want more time with him. Try to boost his confidence to speak up for himself at work.

Good luck op.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/05/2018 19:53

Bollocks is the OP expecting to be treated like a princess

Jammy you're being perfectly reasonable. You've tried to compromise, and he won't meet you halfway. Having a baby changes things massively, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. What if you have severe PND? What if the baby needs further hospital treatment after birth? Even if things go well, there will be times when you really need support from someone (I remember once when I had norovirus while DS was 6mo, that was particularly hideous).

Have you warned him that your relationship is in serious danger?

adaline · 02/05/2018 19:57

Maybe he is focused on his career and worried about providing for his family especially with a new child about to arrive.

All parents worry about this - it doesn't mean they work all hours and put their jobs above their marriage.

He doesn't sound very nice. Those dates might not be important to him, but they're important to you and yet he'd rather make his boss happy than his wife.

Of course work comes first occasionally and that's normal and healthy, but not every time. He should want to spend time with his pregnant, not prefer to spend his free time in the office.

IJustHadToNameChange · 02/05/2018 19:59

Is this his first job?

Is he established in a career?

Is he currying favour for a promotion?

Is he in danger of losing his job?

Is he one who is so low in self esteem, that he is his job?

Only you and he can answer those questions, OP.

If he can't see a problem, then you need to consider your options.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 02/05/2018 20:04

Personally I would book yourself a week end away. Switch your phone off. Tell him you need time to consider your options.

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 20:07

Was he like this before you married him, because if he was, more fool the woman who tries to change him.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 02/05/2018 20:07

I do sympathise, but not sure you can really fix this. I had a boyfriend a bit like this for a couple of years once. He wasn’t particularly inconsiderate but he was overly grateful for his job even though they paid him badly and also treated him badly- he had very low self-esteem. I tried to work with him on it but reached the limit when he baled on a holiday I had paid for 70% of and he’d had booked off for months but when he was asked to go in to work instead he didn’t even try to say he couldn’t. It was a holiday in the uk so my best friend came along instead, we had a great time and I met someone new in the pub one night....

AmericanBiscuits · 02/05/2018 20:11

You are not overreacting. He's telling you exactly who he is and unfortunately you must prepare yourself for the inevitable reality that his minimising things that are important to you will not change. He will most likely treat your child the same way. He's got tunnel vision for his job and can't understand anyone else's needs. You are in for a lifetime of disappointment. You just have to decide if you can live with it.

Teatimetoday · 02/05/2018 23:43

No you are not overreacting, how can you ever look forward to milestone events if he constantly lets you down. It's really unfair that he doesn't give you priority.

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