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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much is enough time to spend with DM

11 replies

merrygoround51 · 02/05/2018 14:00

I have posted before about my challenging relationship with my DM. These challenges have only developed since my DC got older and I really didnt have the time or attention to devote to my DM and i am looking for advise about whether I am being mean with my time or whether DM is being too demanding

So I am not drip feeding here is the background.

DM largely raised us alone and is on her own now. She would have struggled to make ends meet. DM has her challenges (dont we all!) in that things tend to be all about her but I usually manage this well.
DM is a paid childminder for my DC 3 days a week and is great in that she cooks, helps with housework etc
I am the only daughter - 3 brothers, 2 live away
In the past 10 years in which time I have had my children, I have brought DM to the US twice (just 2 of us) , Disney (with my family), Rome, Spain twice (with me and kids)

Obviously I see DM 3 days a week as she minds my DC. I would also say that 2 or 3 out of every 4 weekends would see DM either come to us for dinner, or we would go out somewhere for lunch etc.

So for example last weekend we spent an afternoon / evening in my cousins house for a family get together, the weekend before DM came over to my house for a bbq with my brother and his family. Next weekend my DH is away so I will go out with DM and kids or invite her over.

This weekend, I really feel like just hanging out with my kids and husband and maybe popping into DM for a coffee and chat. We want to go to a new local restaurant this Sunday but DM wants us to come over to hers for lunch. I said No but did say would she like to come with us to try the new restaurant to which she said no and got sulky and has let it be known that she will feel very lonely.

I really feel like that I now have no option of having downtime with my husband and children as all free time is taken up with ferry the kids to activities and doing something with DM.

Am i unreasonable for feeling this and is it a case of 'tough you are the sandwich generation so get over it'

OP posts:

FASH84 · 02/05/2018 14:33

You see her lots, you have plans this Sunday and you even invited her to come to the restaurant with you. YANBU

ReginaBlitzkreig · 02/05/2018 14:35

No, you are not being unreasonable. You see her a lot.

Piffle11 · 02/05/2018 14:50

YANBU. The fact that DM is going to feel lonely is NOT your fault, or something YOU should have to rectify. You invited her to join you, she declined ... I'm not sure why she thinks you need to be doing what she wants, rather than what you and your family want. Please don't feel guilty - as she is trying to make you feel - as you clearly do more than enough already. Was talking to a friend today who overheard her DM calling her selfish to her DF: this friend does so much for her parents, and it seems the more she does, the more they expect.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 02/05/2018 14:53

Maybe move back home?. That's when she will stop complaining!!
Seriously, she has family overload from your days given!!
You deserve a medal op!!
Leave her to sulk or you will feel like you do infact have an extra dc to deal with!

MyNameIsTotoro · 02/05/2018 14:55

You see her loads!!

It's really not fair of her to make you feel guilty regarding your weekend plans.

Maybe if you saw her less, she might be inclined to find other things to keep her busy? Does she have any hobbies?

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 02/05/2018 15:08

No Mum doesnt have hobbies and I have tried to encourage her to get some.

She has friends who she sees once a week but she makes absolutely no effort to do anything else outside this and family.

I tend to feel guilty as Mum devoted so much of herself to us growing up but I do need to shake it off and stop seeing myself as the person responsible for her happiness.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 02/05/2018 15:33

YANBU. You see her lots.In fact much more than some families do

Prestonsflowers · 02/05/2018 15:37

I agree with other posters.
You see your mother a lot. I understand that she devoted herself to you and your siblings when you were young, that was her choice and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.
She is responsible for her happiness not you and sometimes you have to step back.
You should be able to spend time with your own family without her sulking.
I hope you have a lovely weekend

GeordieGirl233 · 02/05/2018 16:06

A medal? You deserve a fucking Pride of Britain award for tolerating all of that.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 02/05/2018 16:29

Thanks All.

The guilt can be all consuming so its good to get another perspective

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/05/2018 18:27

The hard part is that you have to let them sulk. Nobody likes it when you enforce a boundary they don't respect. Stay firm. Your family needs some time to just be on your own.

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