Boyfriend gambling

[sleeplesswonderer]

I have changed my user name for this

I found out pretty early on in our relationship that he has a problem with gambling. After I moved in with him things stated to go downhill in that department. He said he didn't have any money about half way through the month and then I found out he owed one of his friends a thousand pounds. It eventually came out that he had blown his money on gambling. I tried to be as calm as possible and read things online and despite his protests I called his dad and told him. I really didn't know how to deal with it on my own. His dad agreed to bail him out and said he was disappointed yada yada. But didn't want to tell his mum because her mum was terminally ill at the time and she was under a lot of stress.
Anyway I have asked him constantly since then is everything ok have you been gambling and he has said no.
Moving on we have decided to relocate for his new job. I was pretty excited about this although a bit stressed. Anyway tonight I have been sorting out things to throw away etc and wanted to wipe his old phone. I thought I would look through the emails to print off house insurance details etc. In hindsight this was an absolutely stupid thing to do and also an invasion of privacy I realise that. His dad partly owns the house so sends him emails regularly with regards to insurance and utilities.
Anyway long story short he has been gambling a lot online again despite saying he had self excluded himself. His dad has bailed him out again months ago without me knowing. There are also lots of emails from his mum who it also seems is now in the picture. She has told him in these emails that he needs to get help and they are disappointed but they are from months ago. He is still betting because there are emails from gambling companies even from today. I have confronted him and he just says the same things he did last time that he feels ashamed and doesn't want to loose me. I have been sat in the bedroom ignoring him and he has been sending me messages about how he is ashamed and loves me but they are just making me angry because they seem really self pitying.
We are meant to be relocating in two weeks and by relocating I mean we are moving to another country ! I have turned round and said tough shit I'm not going BUT ! I've packed my job in we have rented the house out and out stuff is being shipped 🙈.
So what the hell do I do. I was thinking of messaging his mum in the morning but is it really their problem anymore ? Surely they have done enough to help him ? On the other hand I think has it enabled him

Hi, do you have family you could stay with for a bit if you didn't relocate with him? Give you time to sort yourself out? Personally I would end the relationship, too many lies and secrets and no trust xx

How long have you been together?
I'm not sure I'd want to carry on the relationship with that much lying

Split now. Honestly you will thank yourself later.

This will only get worse. Don't move with him. Stop your shipping. Find another rental. look for another job. Do not move overseas with him.

As a courtesy tell his parents that you are leaving and their son, unfortunately, is gambling seriously again. I feel for them - they are stuck with him. You aren't.

We have been together 2 years but I have been friends with him for about 25 years.
Yes I do have family I could stay with,
I was very much looking forward to the move and the fact that it would hopefully be a good career/lifestyle move for me.
I'm assuming from what I read on the internet that not many people can recover from a gambling addiction

Yes I feel really bad for them too he has let them down badly. I worry telling them might have a bad impact on his dads health.

Yeah unfortunately he doesn't sound like he wants to help himself for the sake of the relationship no matter how hard it is.

I'd leave now before you have kids to think about.

My ex had the same issue. He never had any money and always had an excuse why e.g.. he hadn't been paid etc. He lied for a long time and I would help him financially. I was devastated when I found out. He begged forgiveness and promised to change. We tried again but he started gambling again. I just couldn't trust him and doubted everything he said. I had to walk away in the end because he wouldn't get help for his problem. I knew if I had stayed I would always be worrying about the bailiffs knocking at the door and I just couldn't live like that.

It's an addiction. He needs to get help or it won't stop.

OP, really just leave. I feel hopeful for you. I feel really bad for his parents.

Leave now. Kids are so expensive. Do you want to be isolated overseas with no one to help and not enough money to pay rent/buy nappies/buy toys for your children because he threw it all away?

He’s a gambler but he’s also a liar. What else does he lie about? You can’t trust him. Get out now.

Bah looks like that's my new life out the window then

Not that it makes a huge deal of difference but I'm too old for kids now and never really wanted them. I know it's easy to assume that with this being Mumsnet 🙈 but that is not in the equation. Calling him my boyfriend instead of partner probably made me seem younger too

Leave now. Talking from experience he won’t change. Least it’s only 2 years. What you’ve found out will only be the tip of the iceberg.

You can have a new life, OP. You just may need to do it by yourself. Way better than doing it with an albatross around your neck

sleepless, sorry I did assume you were younger. Of course that means that he’s old enough to know better so even more reason to think he will never change.

Even without kids on the horizon, you have yourself to think about. Don’t let him throw away your future.

You can still move, can’t you? Definitely harden on your own but why not?

Harder*

Yes I can move on I have done it before and it was awful but it has taught me an awful lot about how strong I actually am.
I don't think I will be moving abroad on my own though it's a lot harder by yourself and also more of a struggle financially. I was very happy to go as a couple but not something I would want to do on my own.

I know entirely how you feel - DDs dad and I were together for 10 years (married for 4) and he had a gambling addiction which extended back to before we got together - obviously I didn't know about it when we got together.

It didn't really faze me until we began living together, and the final demands started to arrive. I personally bailed him out using money my parents had saved since I was a child, and later my parents further bailed him out. Every time were promises to seek help and things would change. I was kept well out of the picture though - we had a joint account which I had no access to, and he dealt with everything from arranging car insurance to paying for prescriptions.

It all came to a head one day when I received a court letter for unpaid council tax and found the passwords for the online banking in his briefcase. He was absolutely haemorraging money, sometimes up to £500 a day and most of the direct debits for bills had been cancelled to fund it. He was on a drunken day out with his friends that day, and I rung him screaming to get home that instant, that I knew everything and wasn't sure I could forgive him this time. By then we had DD so he'd risked the roof over our heads. He cried down the phone and gave yet more excuses, promises and apologies. My darling mother bailed us out again on the agreement that I took over all the finances and he had no access to the bank at all, and was given pocket money each week like a child.

Eventually we split for other reasons - he fucked off with some slapper half his age that he worked with, but I could only feel relief.

We're now more than 2 years post-split and I know he still gambles, but you can't imagine the relief I feel that it's not my problem any more. Every day was full of stress, wondering what letters would come through that day, which debt collector would be on the phone.

Unless he seeks proper help and truly wants to, HE WON'T CHANGE AND IT WON'T STOP. Of that I can absolutely promise you. Sorry you're in this situation but please please consider staying behind and going forwards by yourself. Feel free to PM me if you need any help or want to ask anything :)

Thank you all for reply it means a lot. I have messaged his mum this morning to tell her I won't be going and what's been going on. I've been awake all night so am going to try and get some sleep 🙏🏻 thank you all. I was hoping to hear a positive story but I know it's not a positive situation