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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that my my friend's DP finds me 'threatening'

28 replies

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 22:05

I have a very close male friend that I work with. He has been in a relationship since before I met him. Around the time we started working together, we also started working another very close friend of both ours (who is female). At the time, I was aware that male friend's DP was quite jealous of her and felt that her and male friend were flirtatious as they got on very well very quickly. This was a few years ago now and I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel that way any more, in large part because female friend is so different from male friend in a lot of ways and also she's had a few relationships.
Last night, the three of us went out and it came up in conversation that male friend's DP finds me 'threatening' as she thinks me and male friend spend a lot of time together. We do, that's true, but this is mostly because we work together and because neither of us really have that many friends.
Though I still don't know the DP that well (it seems now male friend may have been intentionally keeping us apart to keep from upsetting her), I always try to be friendly to her, especially since she's now working for the same company (though in a very different area so we don't see her often). For the record - there is absolutely nothing romantic between us, never has been and never will be, plus male friend is very, very committed to his DP and completely despises cheating. She has absolutely nothing to worry about with any woman, let alone me. AIBU to be a bit upset by this? I know a lot of women on MN don't like their DPs being close friends with women but he's basically only friends with women, I had no idea she had a problem with it.
Sorry if this is a bit long and not especially interesting 😂

OP posts:

Echobelly · 01/05/2018 22:27

I think the best thing is not to think too much about it and treat her as you would any male friend's partner. Don't try to overcompensate. It's her problem really.

There are some people who never have friends of the opposite gender (or at least not straight ones) and really don't get men and women being just friends because they can't imagine it can exist without any sexual frisson. And that's how it is for them, but for other people (I'm one of them) it's different.

Marmalady75 · 01/05/2018 22:28

Jealousy is her problem to deal with not yours. My DH works in an industry with about a 50/50 male/female split, yet all the women want to be his friend (or so it seems to me). I trust my DH, so they can be friends without me worrying or being jealous. I think one or two might even fancy him, but I trust him. Sounds like your friend’s DP needs to learn to trust him.

SomeKnobend · 01/05/2018 22:29

Yabu. It sounds like you're saying she should trust you and should just "know" you're not a threat, but then you say he keeps you two apart even though you spend a lot of time with him, and that she doesn't know you at all. Why should she somehow realise how trustworthy you are, above most people, when she doesn't know you at all? You can't be offended by her not knowing you, she can't help it, you've barely met.

SomeKnobend · 01/05/2018 22:32

Also you only heard she feels this way from him. Maybe he wants to instil a bit of jealousy for some reason (easier to keep you apart if you don't like each other).

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/05/2018 22:34

Crikey, that's a recipe for disaster, Knobend!

I don't know any of DHs female colleagues, I don't really care how trustworthy they are... I trust my DH. That's all I need to know.

She can't help it is one of those excuses that means nothing... it's just, well, an excuse!

NeedAGoodBook · 01/05/2018 22:34

He's only friends with women?

I'm not the jealous type but that wouldn't make me feel particularly valued as a woman. She is the one who puts up with her DP, your male friend, and that's her choice, a boyfriend with ''only female friends'' wouldn't be right for me. So, if I were you, I'd stand back a bit. I don't like to wade in to the middle of other people's drama or upset.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/05/2018 22:35

Cross posted, knobend. Yes, to your 2nd post. Why is he making a point of keeping you apart? Is he, perhaps, enjoying the attention?

duckingfisaster · 01/05/2018 22:36

Yep, totally agree with echobelly above. Not your problem. There is a certain kind of person who can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex and therefore ‘don’t get’ or are suspicious of platonic male/female relationships. Best ignored. Carry on being nice, hopefully she’ll work out you aren’t a threat and it’ll be long forgotten in no time.

felicitythemangyfox · 01/05/2018 22:37

Tbh the very fact that he had told you that his girlfriend finds you threatening is pretty disloyal to the girlfriend.

daphneduck · 01/05/2018 22:39

felicity

I agree. He shouldn’t have told you. Sounds like he quite likes being the centre of attention

Hattifattenner · 01/05/2018 22:42

YANBU - Jealousy is horrid and undermines relationships on its own. The DP needs to stop being so posessive. Your friend needs to man-up.

redcarbluecar · 01/05/2018 22:50

I don’t think yabu to be upset / unsettled by this but I would try to live with it - as others have said it’s her issue (and his) to deal with. It sounds as though both the relationship and your friendship are long standing so any insecurities she has are probably deep seated and perhaps not even personal to you. It doesn’t sound as though you’re doing anything wrong- just stay normal with them!

MarvelleGazelle · 01/05/2018 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:04

I think I may have said some things badly.
Knobend I'm not exactly saying that I want her to know I'm not a threat but I've always made an effort to be nice to her and it surprises me to think badly of me. I definitely would expect her to trust her DP, who she clearly does know well. He definitely doesn't want install jealousy, he's really not like that.
NeedA I don't understand this at all. Why would that make you feel less valued? Why would it make a difference his friends being female? He's not particularly manly or 'laddish' so tends to get on better with women. He does have some male friends that he's not as close to. She's in a band with all men, is that meant to make him feel less valued as a man?
felicity how is that disloyal? we're friends, we talk about our relationships and she's not super jealous, she wouldn't try and stop him being friends with us or anything
daphne he really doesn't
Hatti I think perhaps this is less of a big issue than you've interpreted it. She's not being super possessive, she's not trying to stop him from being friends with us or anything and she is nice to me. I don't see what he's supposed to do to man-up? Stop being friends with women or be angry at her?
I'm not angry at anyone about this, I just find it a bit upsetting.

OP posts:

Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:10

Flying yeah, he's so not like that. He hasn't been single since he was 15, he's really not the casual relationship or sleeping around type. This came up in conversation as female friend worries that his DP doesn't like her and male friend said she does like me better but also finds me a bit threatening

OP posts:

NeedAGoodBook · 01/05/2018 23:15

I don't have to explain it do I?

It would turn me off. A boyfriend having no male friends but a posse of female friends he was very close too. Not for me.

NeedAGoodBook · 01/05/2018 23:18

"Tbh the very fact that he had told you that his girlfriend finds you threatening is pretty disloyal to the girlfriend.''

yes, all smacks of playing women off against each other, like he is the big prize. or his company, his confidance, they're the prize that many want

It's not unreasonable to want to be your boyfriend's closest friend even if he has other friends. This league of friends all of them female sounds extremely tedious.

MarvelleGazelle · 01/05/2018 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:26

NeedA I don't really know how to respond to this without sounding patronizing, sorry. I think your point of view is very old fashioned and people should be friends with whoever they want to be friends with.

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Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:33

NeedA She is his closest friend. It's possible to have more than one close friend. Also, it's really amusing me you describing two women as a 'posse' or a 'league', I'm imagining us going off to save the world, just the two of us. I don't really understand why it's tedious, sorry.
Flying Yes. Is this confusing? I was also present if that's not clear, it wasn't a rumour from FF, it was a group conversation. His DP probably likes me a bit better because we have more in common than she does with FF and have more similar personalities. She doesn't hate me, did I give that impression?

OP posts:

Pannacott · 01/05/2018 23:41

Yep it sounds like he's playing you off against each other, although you're not buying into it. Some men love a bit of jealousy, even if they protest that they don't. If you and her spent time together you'd probably get on well, but it would ruin his poor-me piggy-in-the-middle fantasy (that you were happily unaware of until he helpfully told you about it).

I'd just carry on not buying into it, shrug, and keep being warm and friendly to her. He's shit stirring for drama.

Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:48

I really don't feel like you're getting a very good impression of what he's like. Imagine a nerdy, slightly effeminate man with very strong morals. He doesn't like her being jealous, that's why he mentioned it, even though he hasn't previously, because it's probably a little upsetting to him, though it's not a big issue. Neither of us are the sort to get in fights, we're both quite quiet people, he's definitely not after attention. She got more upset when she saw how close he was to FF shortly after they met and his response was to distance himself slightly from FF and not go out with her without other people there as he knew it would upset his DP and he really, really loves her. Like, would get married tomorrow if he could.

OP posts:

Original poster

isawahatonce · 01/05/2018 23:58

oh, also, I offered to let him stay at my mum's house when I'm there (in the spare room!) so he can visit some places nearby and he said no because he knows it would make her feel uncomfortable even though she definitely wouldn't get angry or refuse to let him (because she's not controlling), just because he wants her to be happy and definitely doesn't want to inspire jealousy.

OP posts:

Pannacott · 02/05/2018 00:17

Nerdy effeminate men with strong morals can also enjoy being the centre of attention, and be conflicted about the ego boost of a jealous partner. Instilling jealousy can be done in subtle ways and with complicated and unconscious motivations, especially when the pleasure of being wanted conflicts with ones' conscious identity.

Funny how so many of us have got the wrong end of the stick about him isn't it?!

MarvelleGazelle · 02/05/2018 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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