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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel desperate over bedtime routine

24 replies

Cheeseplease73 · 01/05/2018 21:11

I work full time and have 2 dcs. DS 10 is an angel at bedtime and just goes to bed without any hassle, reads and goes to sleep by 8.30 at the latest.
DD 6 is the opposite- she just WILL NOT GO TO BED! I have tried everything- warm bath, story, lying with her, not lying with her, nightlight/ no nightlight, her own bed/ my bed. Nothing works - she is up and down until 9.30 most nights by which point I am so drained and exhausted I end up losing it and shouting. I feel like I get no evening and I really need a bit of down time but end up in tears feeling like the worst parent in the world because I have shouted again out of sheer worn- out ness. I am exhausted by it and dread bed times. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Aibu to feel desperate by the lack of evening routine and my poor parenting skills

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 01/05/2018 21:14

It may not be anything to do with your parenting. of course you deserve some downtime...even if she doesnt sleeo ideally you want her in her room being quiet.
How is she energy-wise during the day at home or school etc?

Phineyj · 01/05/2018 21:15

This sounds really stressful. Are you on your own with them? Is it possible she just doesn't require much sleep? My DNiece is 12 and has never needed much sleep. My DSis has been at her wits' end with her at times. It did get somewhat better once she could read fluently and could therefore be asked to stay in her room reading a book. However, DSis and DBIL have spent many a night watching tv, trying to be as boring as possible while DNiece skulks in a corner of the lounge.

If she does seem to be getting sufficient sleep I think your options are to bribe her with some sort of device to stay in her room (even if not sleeping) or let her sit downstairs and try to be as boring as possible.

If you do have a partner, alternate so you at least don't have the stress every single night.

Phineyj · 01/05/2018 21:15

Also, have you been to GP? I think taking melatonin sometimes helps?

CalF123 · 01/05/2018 21:16

It's nothing to do with your parenting- at the end of the day, if she's not tired, she's not tired. Some children just naturally need less sleep so instead of forcing her to go when she isn't going to sleep, let her go later at which point she will be tired.

Phineyj · 01/05/2018 21:16

Sorry, should have put this into one post, however, I noticed yours as my DD (5), can be pretty nightmarish too, but in the last year she has at least progressed from kicking our skins when she doesn't want to go to bed...!

FindoGask · 01/05/2018 21:19

When she's up and down, what is she saying to you?

My eldest can sometimes take a while to fall asleep. When she was younger I always felt it was OK if she played quietly in her bed until she felt sleepy. I'd let her do drawing/colouring in/listen to an audiobook etc. It got easier when she became a more confident reader.

It's hard for some people to fall straight asleep - I used to have to read myself to sleep every night as a child, my mind felt too active otherwise.

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 01/05/2018 21:19

She’s very lively- never stops talking from the moment she gets up to the moment she goes to bed. I am quite strict with devices as she would watch tv until late if I let her but i don’t esp in the bedroom if I can help it. I have recently started monitoring sugar too and have banned all sweets, buscuits etc from house in an effort remove anything that keeps her awake at night. She very bright at school but just doesn’t seem to want to sleep

OP posts:

Queenio24 · 01/05/2018 21:20

It's not your bad parenting! I have 2 like this, DD goes up straight away, asleep within 2 minutes, never a peep from her.
DS has always been up & down stairs, generally farting around, putting more / less pj's on, getting drinks, inhalers, going to the loo etc etc etc. It drives us mad. I don't talk to him apart from repeat 'go to bed now' over and over. He's allowed to read or watch TV quietly in his room as I NEED my down time. Unfortunately I do end up losing my shit with him. He's nearly 13 by the way too

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 01/05/2018 21:21

It’s the shouting thats upsetting me too as I get so desperate for a bit of peace in the evenings and I love her - I don’t want to shout!

OP posts:

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 01/05/2018 21:22

What is she coming down for? What is she saying?

londongirl12 · 01/05/2018 21:22

I always remember a Supernanny trick where you put them to bed and say it's bedtime. If they get up, take them back to bed and say it's bedtime. Next time take them back to bed and say bedtime a bit more firmly. The next time you don't say anything and just put them back to bed. It always seemed to be 1 bad night, but then it worked every night after that.

Queenio24 · 01/05/2018 21:23

I know exactly how you feel. Shouting is not great, but it's a consequence of them not doing as they are told repeatedly.
Can she be bribed to go to bed and stay in bed by a small treat?

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 01/05/2018 21:23

She literally talks about everything and anything- dinosaurs to dolls to everything in her head. I want to hear about what she is thinking but I find I am so worn out I have no patience and that makes me feel worse!

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 01/05/2018 21:25

Your 10 year old proves it’s not your parenting!
Could she stay in her room with a book/ audio tape from 8pm onwards? My dd doesn’t need much sleep and is an energy bomb, she is shooed upstairs with plenty to occupy her .
Evenings are for adults.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/05/2018 21:26

Is she tired when she gets up OP? If not she just maybe doesn't need as much sleep. Does she read or maybe listen to an audio-book? Or colouring pencils and colour in sheets, dot-to-dot, word searches etc?

Or does she want your attention? Does she want that connection with you? You don't mention evening routine other than a clack of one, but if for example she's on;y seeing you for an hour after work/school finishes, is she looking for more attention from you?

Lollypop701 · 01/05/2018 21:27

^ Londongirl... I agree, Don’t argue , don’t give attention as for df anything is better than nothing. She sounds like she needs less sleep so Let her read in her room as a compromise. Most of all be consistent... as she’s a little older may take time.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 01/05/2018 21:28

I want to hear about what she is thinking but I find I am so worn out I have no patience and that makes me feel worse!

No. No you don’t. Not at bedtime. You want to hear about it tomorrow. You have to stop taking any interest at bedtime. You just tell her it’s bedtime and take her back calmly and firmly. No stress or shouting. No bargaining or pleading. No engaging at all.

How about giving her a jotter and everything she wants to say to you she’s writes on her jotter to remind her to tell you the next day. But if she gets out of bed there will be a consequence. Like 10 minutes off her screen time or whatever the following day.

Blueunicorn · 01/05/2018 21:28

I like the super nanny idea and would try that if it was me. Also just let her know that you want to listen but it's bed time now. And you will talk to her in the morning but for now she needs to dream so she can tell you all about it in the morning. :)

Bambamber · 01/05/2018 21:30

Instead of putting her to bed or having the tv on, would she quietly with a book or colouring, or just some quite activity on her own? Saves on her being up and down and reduced the pressure off you. If she's not tired you can't make her sleep, but if she's doing a quiet activity by herself at least you are getting some quiet time and she can wind down before bed

londongirl12 · 01/05/2018 21:31

www.supernanny.co.uk/AMP/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Routine-and-Teamwork/Getting-Toddlers-to-Stay-in-Bed.aspx

I know it says toddler, but the principal is the same.

blackteasplease · 01/05/2018 21:31

Your 10 year old sounds pretty tbh. My 9 yo dd is rarely asleep before 9. And thats the amount of.sleep she needs - 10 hours. Occasionally she will sleep 11 hours on a weekend but its very rare.

My ds needs alot more sleep than she did at his age - 4. He js often asleep by 7/ 7.30 whereas i dont think I managed that with dd at any age. I probably told people she went at 7.30 when she was 5 but i.dont think she ever really did, not regularly.

So what Im saying is she might be one of those kids who just isnt tired!

Blueunicorn · 01/05/2018 21:31

My sister allows her children to play in their room until they are ready to sleep. Only quiet play as all the other babies in the street are sleeping ... But if they go to bed to late they miss out on TV time the next. So it's their decision to make.... Maybe do this but threaten something else if she's not to fussed by TV?

CoffeeChocolateWine · 01/05/2018 21:37

I could have written your post OP...in fact I think I have in the past! I have an almost 10yo DS who goes to bed no problem and an almost 6yo DD who would rather do anything other than sleep. Every night is the same...she just can't seem to switch her brain off and she's up and down the stairs about something or other, in and out of her brother's room, if she does stay in her room she gets every single toy and book out etc. She was up till 10.30 the other night and I'm 36 weeks pregnant and no down time. I always end up shouting and I hate ending the day like that. Interested to read the advice on here. I've seriously considering taking her to the doctor or a sleep therapist about it but then I wonder if I'm overreacting??

MacaroniPenguin · 01/05/2018 21:46

What time do you all get home, and what time does she go to bed? What do you do of an evening? I wonder if she needs longer to wind down before bed. It sounds like her head's still full.

My DD has always been a tricky sleeper, and she needs a certain gap between getting home & eating, and bed, or she doesn't settle for hours.

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