When you haven't got one, great, happy Irish extended family ...

[TheWaltonsNot]

or nuclear family for that matter.

An acquaintance of mine was re-telling a happy story about her extended Irish family. She then looked at me and added smiling "you know what they're like!". Because I'm of Irish descent, as she is (though both of us born in in UK), she assumed I would be the same.

But my extended Irish family, which is quite small anyway, are not like that at all! I know many Irish families - extended and nuclear - do look out for each other. But mine have fallen out several times over the years over serious things as well as complete nonsense, and the relationships are almost non-existent now. In a way I feel a bit I don't fit the happy cliche!

Not sure if I should be putting this in AIBU or Relationships, but any words of wisdom?

YABU to seemingly believe her family is typical.

There's no such thing as a typical family.

Same for me OP. Irish family but we're not close to put it mildly. It has been very painful and involved lots of grieving but I'm starting to accept it more over time

Its pretty daft of that person to assume that all Irish families (or any other type of family for that matter) operate in the same way. People are different and families are different wherever you come from. I understand your feeling of being different or an outsider though - society is family obsessed and it can be very difficult if your life doesn't match up to the fantasy. You're not alone in that

thanks Lottapianos. I thought it was a rather stupid and presumptious daft thing of this person to say. There is sometimes a camerardie amongst second-generation Irish but lots of assumptions I think!

I'm sorry you have had some similar experience. Agree there's quite a lot of grieving - I'm realising that some of the 'dysfunction' seems to be played out over a couple of generations. Perhaps when one has acknowledged some of the sadness and grieving, you can find some kind of freedom/peace. Peace to you.

I also am jealous of large close families ! Ever since my dad died actually
I have a small (beloved) but small family

And to you Waltons I was in therapy for several years and found it absolutely invaluable in understanding my family and my place within it. It gave me the courage and clarity to go low contact with my family, and life is much better for it. Highly recommended if you're interested at all

I think many people from close families have a big blind spot that not all families are like that. It is difficult to accept that your family doesn't function in a loving way. My pet hate on here is when an OP is talking about a very difficult, destructive relationship and other posters butt in telling them they should be grateful that they're alive and they'll regret the moaning when the relative dies because they are grieving for a loving relative. Having lived through the loss of a loved parent and having a difficult parent, they are totally different experiences and I don't have to gratefully accept shit of a relative just because they are mortal. Happy 2.4 children families are not the only normal these days but some people just don't seem to see it.

I have experienced second generation Irish people that live quite a clichèd life with regard to culture, more "Irish" than the people I know still living there

'I have experienced second generation Irish people that live quite a clichèd life with regard to culture'

Totally agree. I have Irish relatives who have been living in UK for 40 years, who still go to the local Irish club for their nights out , where the men get leathered and the wives act as chauffeurs. It's all a bit clichéd and odd

There's some truth to the stereotype, as there usually is in every stereotype. And of course Irish families have traditionally been quite large and that brings its own dynamic with it. However, there are also downsides even if your family does fit the stereotypical "mould". Irish families often have rigidly conventional expectations of behaviour, particularly with regard to big "family" occasions like weddings, christenings and funerals, and this can be suffocating. (NI families even worse for this from what I hear/witness!)