Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent my brother

17 replies

baguettemagique · 30/04/2018 19:28

My 17 year old brother has never been good at getting up in the mornings, but in the last couple of years and especially since September, it's getting ridiculous. My mum can drop him off at sixth form in the morning as it's on the way to her work, but for months now he has often missed his lift as he's still been in bed at 8.30. This means he either stays at home all day or if I, his 19 year old sister, am able to take him, I take him.

He doesn't get up because he claims he never woke up, he was "asleep". This can be despite him nodding or opening his eyes etc when my mum tells him repeatedly to get up, opens his door and his blind. On the odd occasion that he is "awake", he often claims he is too tired to get up.

I want him to get to sixth form because I know that if he doesn't he won't do well in his A Levels, but I'm really beginning to resent him. My mum asks me to take him there if she has to leave without him, which is most days. I've been able to do it for the last few weeks because I'm at home from university. It wouldn't be ideal but I wouldn't mind taking him if he were ready at, say, 9am. But I often have to wait until 10.30 or 11 just to leave the house. He lies on his bed, half-dressed, for ages and ages because he is "too tired" to continue getting dressed. He takes ages in the shower, and often goes back into the bathroom to use the toilet for maybe 20 minutes after he is, finally, dressed.

I'm really starting to resent him because it seems like he just expects me to wait for him indefinitely. Sometimes I have waited all morning until about 11.15 and he decides he's not going that day because it's now "too late". But he doesn't tell me this, I just go upstairs to ask him how long he will be and he casually mentions that he's not going. I've tried shouting, crying, asking him what's going on. Nothing makes any difference, he just ignores me and doesn't answer. My mum says she understands what I'm saying, but that she's had to deal with it for years herself and it's stressful for her trying to get him up too. I'm angry with her as well for allowing him to treat me this way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 30/04/2018 19:30

YANBU at all. Tell your mum calmly that you will not babysit or be his chauffeur anymore.

I bet you have to help around the house and he doesn't?

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 19:31

Stop waiting.
Stop giving him lifts.

Get him to a doctor to ensure there are no underlying medical issues.

pumpkintree · 30/04/2018 19:33

Time to back off , once he see no one will rin after him or save him from a dead end job then hopefully he will buck his idears up. no way would i do what you do.

its his life.

Seniorcitizen1 · 30/04/2018 19:34

I have always resented my brother ever since he was born. I was the first born and subconsciously never forgave him for having to share my parents with him. It didn’t help that he was and still is a swine. Have seen him only half a dozen times in past 30+ years and no desire to see him again. So YANBU to resent a brother

Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2018 19:34

Yes, she has to deal with it because he’s her son, not yours.

Start having a hard leaving time. Not ready? He doesn’t get a lift.

I detested getting out of bed. Truly hated it. Still do. But I did it. He’s being lazy because you’re all pandering to him.

So many people do this to boys/men and then wonder why they end up being so ineffectual.

Wetwashing00 · 30/04/2018 19:34

Have either of you actually asked
Him why he’s so tired?
Does he stay up gaming all night?
In bed at a sensible time? Possible thyroid issue? Depression?
Stoner?

You’re not unreasonable for feeling angry about this.
But you should lay down your own rules too, tell your mum that if he is not up and ready by 9am then you’re Not taking him.
Yes he will fail his A levels but through no fault but his own.

userabcname · 30/04/2018 19:35

No yanbu. Tell your mum to make an appt at the GP for your brother - if he genuinely is that tired it's concerning and he needs to be checked out.

As for giving him a lift- tell him he needs to be ready at a certain time or you're leaving. I understand your mum's frustration but he is not your responsibilty and it's ridiculous that you are wasting your time hanging around waiting for him.

Leeds2 · 30/04/2018 19:43

I would tell him that you are leaving at, say, 9 and that if he isn't downstairs and ready to leave at that time you will be leaving without him. And do it!
Are there no buses, or trains, he could reasonably use?
Would also second getting him checked over by a GP, in case his tiredness is caused by a medical problem. Otherwise, encourage him to look at what his plan is when he is thrown out of Sixth Form.

baguettemagique · 30/04/2018 19:48

He has been to the GP several times, so far no issues have been found. He isn't gaming or on his phone. He is not great at going to bed at night, he says there's no point in going to bed early (9pm, 10pm) because he doesn't sleep anyway, he just lies there awake. I'm not sure if that's true or if he has unrealistic expectations. He often wakens me up flushing the toilet at 11.30pm, 12.30am.

I don't know if I have the resolve to say a time that he has to be ready for and after that I'm leaving, I'm a bit of a pushover I suppose. I just hate that I'm put in this position and I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
baguettemagique · 30/04/2018 19:49

He could get a bus and then it would be a 30 minute walk, but I can't see him considering that as an option. He would just stay at home all day.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 30/04/2018 19:52

I don't know if I have the resolve to say a time that he has to be ready for and after that I'm leaving

Effectively that’s what your mum is doing though. I suggest you do the same.

metalmum15 · 30/04/2018 19:54

He's not your responsibility, he's your mum's, and you need to remind her of this politely but firmly. Will you still be expected to get him up and out when he's at sixth form? Or Uni? Or working? If he doesn't start sorting himself out now he never will.

NorthernKnickers · 30/04/2018 20:00

Honestly...you are really not helping him. What you are doing is enabling this behaviour, and it will carry on until you stop. Be kind to him and stop, before he turns into one of the men who women on here write about on a daily basis! Saying 'no' to him now, will also help you learn how to say no to other people in your life who use your kindness to their advantage 💐

baguettemagique · 30/04/2018 20:01

She knows that I don't have a job to go to though, I mean it holds me back from my day and doing my uni work and things I have to do, but I'm not going to get into any trouble as such for being late somewhere. She says that we both want to help him and so that's why it would be nice if I took him to school. I feel like I'd be being heartless if I didn't take him, but I also want to show that I am not willing to be treated like this. It's affecting my relationship with my brother.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 30/04/2018 20:08

He's 17 and needs to take responsibility for himself. When he's awake, if I was your mum, I'd explain that he'd get 1 call, and if he missed that he'd have to make his own way to sixth form.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 30/04/2018 20:20

Next year will he be too tired to go to his job or to write an exam?

He needs to get with the programme.

As pp said. Rule out depression & drugs, thyroid blood tests etc.

Sleep hygiene.
A lot of insomniacs have phones, tv etc. In bed. When they are put on a strict routine: same bedtime every day, yes be bored for an hour staring at the ceiling, surprise, surprise, you can sleep 8 hours when you haven’t been binge watching Netflix.

redexpat · 30/04/2018 20:47

He says he cant fall asleep. Theres a growing body of research showing that teens have different bodyclocks making it tough for them to fall asleep before 12 or 1, which then makes it difficult to get up in the morning. I would take him back to the gp for something to make him sleep. If he is anxious about something and that is causing the sleeplessness then he will have the chance to talk to the gp about it and discuss options.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page