Aibu to think schools deal with friendship issues all wrong

[pinksplutterweasel]

My ten year old is having such a tough time at the moment. She’s had some friendship
Issues all through school - from being excluded from a threesome and told she can only play with them on certain days of the week while in year one, to being chased around the playground by several class members who wanted her to fight another girl in her class a couple of year backs. Nether were ever dealt with properly and it’s really become apparent how scarred she’s been by all of this. She is the child who prefers not to get involved in playground games because she can’t stand the thought she might be ridiculed, she has put up her guard to the point she said to me she’d rather not have friends than have friends who stab her in the back. She attends ‘friendship’ club but it got me to thinking why is it always the victim that needs fixing. Is it just easier that way - or if a school doesn’t acknowledge they have a problem with bullying then there isn’t a bullying problem to fix. I’m meeting with her teachers on Wednesday on their suggestion to discuss her anxiety - and I do believe it is anxiety - she’s increasingly losing her cool in situations at school - so much has been bubbling up inside her. I want to help her to get a handle on this so it doesn’t eat her up. The problem is all school related I’m sure. She doesn’t have any friendship issues outside of school - though I have seen her on holidays, having made friends with a little girl, pull herself away once another child joins the group - almost to protect herself and to leave voluntarily before she is told to leave. It’s painful for me - she can have a temper and she is very hormonal but I don’t think she is the problem. I do feel like wednesdays meeting is going to be about how we ‘fix’ her though rather than looking at the cause - I wouldn’t feel so resentful if it wasn’t for the fact I’ve been banging this drum for years and never really seen any action taken to help her.

If she really has no friends and it has been like this for years why haven't you tried moving schools? If you have been complaining to school for years it probably isn't going to change now.

But from what you say your dd does need help with friendships. This is not a "simple" case of bullying with a bully and a victim, this is a child with a huge fear of being hurt who is withdrawing.

Problems in childhood friendships are inevitable. They are small children navigating a complex world of human relationships. They will get it wrong. There will be unkindness/misunderstanding/rejection. Friendships will change over time. And because of this all children need a whole toolkit of friend-making and friendship nurturing tools including patience, a sense of humour, understanding, forgiveness. And self-esteem. And resilience.

I don't know if your school is handling things in the best way, or has handled things in the best way previously. But it does seem that your dd needs to be padt of the solution here because she is actively pushing potential friends away.

She does have friends - but she feels like people are against her. Over the years I’ve played Devil’s advocate and said if it’s that bad we should move schools - but she hates that thought as she loves school. Just not the social side of it. Also it’s all very well and good to say move school but in an area where there are more kids than school places (and it’s a good school), then you don’t have the option of just moving elsewhere. I am also of the thought that with it being a problem caused by her anxiety then the problem will just follow her. I just wish that when I’ve sooken to the teachers over the years they’ve been lovely but I’ve not seen things change. Now they’re calling the meeting so I wonder if t will be different. It’s a really complicated situation and obviously not every child in her class is a bully but I’ve witnessed the eye rolling when she speaks to some of them or the staring over, whispering, giggling. It’s enough to make anyone feel crap about th mselves

I think you’re right. She does need help herself but equally there seem to be no classes that teach people to be better friends, more sensitive to others etc. I’m feeling particularly sensitive at the moment and so so protective of her. I just want her to be happy and I don’t know how to get there. I’m hoping now that they’ve suggested a meeting they might also have some useful suggestions how to work together.

It sounds like a small school where she has little choice.
She might spread her wings and have a ball at secondary.
Do you think her social skills are good?

Spot on. She’s one of 12 girls in her class. A good number of them are sporty, football playing girls (she’s not), a few seem old beyond their years - look way older, it’s all about the selfies and the instagrams and making YouTube makeup tutorials (that’s not her either), others are lovely but wouldn’t say boo to a goose and she’s actually quite outgoing and confident on the face of it but has a low self esteem. I do actually find myself wishing away primary school because I think she’ll find a bigger selection of people to be friends with in secondary. She has some lovey friends out of school and they’re really good friends and have no issues. She goes to guides and dance classes and it’s all fine there.

Does she feel a lot of her class are against her? Do you? There is a form of bullying that takes the form of class wide ostracization. If that were happening then that would be very serious.

I’d like to be a fly on the wall. When I spoke to her teacher before easter she was saying to her “lots of people like you xxx. When you stand up to read out your work, people think what you’ve done is really good. You just have to give them a chance”. When we left she told me she is protecting herself and can’t shake from her head the incident of being chased around the playground all those years ago. She actually gets on wel with the boys. The problem isn’t in the classroom - more I. The schoolyard by it’s spilling over into the classroom as her thoughts are overwhelming her and so today for example, her brace box went missing - she walked away from it for a few minutes and it wasn’t there when she got back. Someone had put it in the home box. Now I get that she knows how expensive her brace was and that having taken it out for lunch, she was beside herself thinking it had gone missing. I’m also aware that whoever put it in the home box is highly unlikely to do it out of malice. But she tends to feel the world is permanently against her so gets angry when really it’s more something to be upset by than angry. She’s a very mixed up little girl at the moment and I’m hoping I find a way of helping her manage her feelings. I am wondering whether I should get her some counselling or CBT or something to develop coping strategies.

Because schools like to victim blame.

dd2 was having massive problems at school. She was targeted by 2 other children in particular and they had physically hurt her a number of times, to the point of injury. The schools response?? To give the 2 lads in question 1:1 support so they weren't ever on their own and to tell me, the victims mother, that my dd needed to work on learning how not to put herself in risky and dangerous situations.
She's now happy (and safe) at a different school, where 6 other pupils have transferred over from dds previous hellhole school

It sounds to me like she could do with some help on sustaining friendships.

If by your own admission she thinks the world is against her (it's quite odd for a 10 year old to decide all the class are against them and that the teacher is covering for themselves), then it does suggest she needs some support.

My DD had problems with friendships in Primary School. Her best friend moved to another country and she had no-one after that. The school did try, they set up a "friendship circle" thing but since it was a small school with just 1 class per year, there really wasn't much point, the other girls just weren't interested. I put her name down for another school in year 4 and in the December of year 5 I got a call to say they had a place for her. What a difference it made. She was a totally different child at that school, found her confidence and some lovely friends. And she totally blossomed in secondary school with new friends and even became a prefect.

I think what she needs is to have one good friend that she feels she can trust wholeheartedly. As I say, she has friends outside school that she has had years. It’s almost as though now at school there’s too much history and if she really has nothing in common with the girls I don’t believe in forcing friendships. She’s very much her own person who won’t fall in with the crowd just to fit in. She gets on with them as classmates but is keeping distance so that they’re not good friends and hence she can’t get hurt by them. It sounds deep I know and maybe I’m wrong but this is the conclusion I’m reaching. Saying it’s odd that she feels like the clas is against her -
She can’t let go of the past. There is no trust and she has struggled to move on -
Mainly because when she tried to tell the midday supervisors they said it was just a game.

The trouble is, especially in a small school, you can't control who the children play with etc all the time. At least in a big school (and at secondary) they can find new people and can be supported doing that.

It doesn't help when a child has trouble socially, of course, but I do a lot of work with my class on things like "how to play with someone who isn't your friend".

Fingers crossed we can figure something out. She’s brilliant with older kids and adults and so lovey to the little ones. I need her to see the good in people. Trying to tel her that it’s so important to try and put bad things behind you and move on and that people
can change.

I moved mine at the end of Reception because I could see this stuff starting already at that point, and the school's response was "oh yes they're all being horrid to each other at the moment" without any thought or consideration about how they set up a classroom environment where they thought it was OK to BE all horrid to each other. Alarm bells were ringing that the school were never really going to get a full handle on these issues so we took the leap and moved 'em.

Best thing I did - new school have put time into her in terms of nurture groups and the like and the kid who was such a square peg in a round holed playground still has a group of acquaintances she flits around somewhat at times, but also has quite a solid group of proper friends as well (in as much as the average infant child remains friends over the course of an average school day...)

I feel for you. Primary school can be hideous for this sort of thing. I think sometimes as they are stuck with the same kids all the time, the mean ones can have too much power over the rest of the class and the teachers don't always see what they are really like as they don't show their mean side to the teachers yet at this age.
Dd has found secondary a huge improvement as she's got a decent bunch of nice mates around her and although all the same mean kids attend the same school, they are too busy creating dramas with other kids and teachers to bother with the nicer ones. Is your dd year 5 or 6?

The current issues sound like they come from her and therefore school working with her directly on her friendships is an appropriate response. There's not enough detail to comment on the historic exclusionary behaviour and the schools response.

Bullying another person to get a power trip is clearly wrong and a bully needs dealing with for their behaviour and underlying issues that they have, but there is a murky grey zone of friendship issues where incompatible friendships get rejected or don't form which is very hurtful to the person in OP's DD's position. We see with threads about baby groups/ mums in playgrounds the response of "you have nothing more in common than having had babies at the same time" and sadly there are children who experience this at school where there is no natural close friend. A school can help other children manage it more kindly with a bit more diplomacy but it can't make other children like eachother.

10 seems to be a difficult age for friendships as they move from liking to play the same games to a more developed personality. I remember it well!

Is it worth investigating alternative schools again and doing some visits. OFSTED ratings don't tell the whole story and some schools are better with pastoral care than others. The descriptions sound very much like school is the specific trigger. While it is promising that she has better friendships outside school, that's not helpful when you're stuck with less than ideal people for 30+ hours a week.

The year 1 stuff sounds normal for that age sadly and the other incident though awful needs more context

Outside of these incidents what else is happened.? It sounds like your daughter doesn’t gel or fit with these girls and that simply cannot be fixed people can’t be forced to change.

Have you looked at moving schools?