Ex H abusing me to our children

[tiredand44]

It's been pretty much constant over the years. Today my son (16) told me that he heard things said about me today that no child should hear about a parent.

Ex H has such control even now, it's heartbreakingly sad how it impacts the children (16 and 21). They both want to be close to him but are so scared of not doing what he says.

But it's the abuse of me that angers me the most. Can I do anything? Where do I stand? I've reported him to the police before for direct abuse aimed at me, now he's doing it though my son. It's so upsetting.

And his GCSEs start in 2 weeks...he doesn't need this!

(Sorry to post in AIBU but need traffic)

Why not suggest your son goes NC until after his GCSE's? He's 16 now so it's his choice, and maybe ex-H will realise he has to stop or lose them. I'm surprised your DC21 is still in touch. Sorry your going through this.

*you're

He won't though. It's such a hard situation where my ex exerts so much coercive control over all of us.

I tried to tell my son earlier that he needs to stand up for himself and he said he will just do as he's told.

I really don't know what I can do for the best with this. It's horrible.

Explain to your son he needs to stay away from people who make him feel bad for his own MH. Then NC. What would the ex-h do if they blocked him? x

I wouldn't put pressure on your son to "stand up for himself" (and you?). He still has to deal with his father for another couple of years, and he may be wise just to stay outwardly docile until he can walk away.

At 16 your ds does not have to see his father, you can explain that to him, and talk about healthy relationships with him. Mabey give him a book on toxic parents to read as well, so he can get a clearer picture that this dynamic with his father is not normal.

He doesn't have to see his dad at 16.

Now is not the time. Let your son take the course of least resistance for him Until his exams are over. Don't rock the boat until then. There may not be much you can do anyway, it will have to come from your son in his own time and his own way.

@GeorgeTheHippo You're completely right, it does need to come from him, it's really not the time. He just received so many texts from his Dad today about me, he's drained. He can't deal with it on top of the pressure with exams. I want to try and fix things but I can't.

Has your son had counselling? Maybe an independent observer might get through to him

I think both your sons need counselling. But, it needs to wait until after the GCSEs.

@Walkaboutwendy

He's previously had some at school, but that was about bullying and improving his self esteem. But I guess this is kind of linked. I did just mention to him that I'd contact his head of year in the morning and see if he could see the school counsellor this week.

@OverTheHedgeHammy

I think we all need counselling! How can he have such a negative impact on us after 16 years. It's so sad. I left him for a better life and it doesn't feel like that's happened.

You really want it dealt with - take the phone messages to pastoral care/head of safeguarding - get them logged and reported.

As an aside, that type of abuse will get him extra marks in his GCSEs, he will be eligible for 'special consideration'. This will need to be discussed with his HOY and the EO.

www.jcq.org.uk/exams-office/access-arrangements-and-special-consideration/regulations-and-guidance/ace

@NewYearNewMe18 Do you mean head of safekeeping at his school? Would they take it that seriously? This has been affecting him on and off for years. My ex will stop, and then lose it with me and about me when things don't go his way. The children are sick of it but my son is not strong enough to stand up to him. He feels that if he does, then he will just receive more messages about me.

Safeguarding. Yes. I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up before TBH.

Please take the phone and messages in, especially if they are derogatory and explicit.

OP you have said that your son "is not strong enough to stand up to him" and that you have "told your son he needs to stand up for himself". please don't add to your son's pain by making him feel weak or diminished in your eyes by failing to control a situation NO 16 year old could control.

Also I think you have been honest in saying that what really makes you angry is your ex's abuse of you. If you are angry with your son for not standing up for you to his abusive father, that would be unfair.

You cannot control your ex, but you can arrange counselling to support your son (and yourself) in handling this horrible situation,

Constant texting is abuse. I'd be encouraging him to block his dad for a few weeks.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sorry, I think I may have been misleading. When we had a heart to heart earlier I suggested he should stand up to his father and for what he believes in. I would never make him feel weak or diminished. I'm not remotely angry at him for not defending me...it hurts me that he is hurting and I don't know what I can do about it. I feel powerless.

@Bluelady I've tried suggesting that, and while he knows what his Dad is doing is not right, he just wants an easy life. So life just goes on as normal and all the cracks are papered over. We had a similar issue about 5 years ago when my daughter was the age my son is now, and maybe she was slightly more emotionally mature, but she stood up to him and refused to see him for a while. But he's also been unkind to her many times in the past.

Apologies OP, I read too much into it - it really is a sad situation and I'm sure your son knows you don't expect him to achieve the impossible. Hope his exams go well - one step closer to independence!