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Original poster

How to respond to BIL’s unwelcome behaviour?

32 replies

Smudge100 · 30/04/2018 18:14

Since my divorce about six years ago I have become closer to my older sister. Not that we were estranged, simply that ex-DH wasn’t interested in my family and didn’t want to visit/have contact. I always had the impression that DS had a strong and intact marriage (of 20 years standing). I have not remarried/found a new partner and at 62, I am quite happy living on my own and am not looking for anything beyond that.
A while back BIL (who is older than me) came to stay for a couple of days to do some work on my house (he is a retired builder). Thereafter he started to send me chatty emails about what he and DS were getting up, what was growing in the garden, bla bla all very nice and entirely innocuous. No problem, although I thought it a bit odd that he was emailing me every other day when DS only emails about once a month. However, in one email he said that when he was staying at my house in the guest room, I had left a pair of lace knickers on the floor – (this didn’t happen btw, who leaves pants lying on the floor of the guest bedroom???) – and he had found it a ‘turn on’. Shortly after I had another email saying he hoped I was looking after myself and had I had my breasts checked by the GP? I was horrified and blocked him. A couple of weeks ago, he and DS stayed over on the way to somewhere else and he was perfectly fine and well-behaved, so I unblocked him, thinking that maybe he had learned his lesson and was going to behave like an adult. The chatty, friendly emails recommenced. However, in response to an email in which I related how I had overcome a plumbing issue and had been able to have a bath again, he responded: ‘sorry I wasn’t there to wash your back’.
My question to Mumsnetters is, what do I do now? Do I block him again or do I call him out on his disgusting behaviour? I absolutely cannot involve my sister because I do not want to compromise her happiness. I fear that if I challenge him, he will badmouth me to her and I won’t be able to tell her the truth. I think that’s what he’s banking on. I feel that I will end up being the Bad Guy in this situation whatever the outcome. I just don’t know how to handle it. I can’t believe that at my age I am having to deal with this situation. What do you guys think I should do?

OP posts:
Goosegrass · 30/04/2018 18:18

You have the emails. Show them to her and let her decide. He is relying on you not wanting to hurt her. You aren’t compromising her happiness, he is.

krustykittens · 30/04/2018 18:25

If he keeps pushing the situation, I don't see how you CANNOT involve your sister. I doubt you are the first woman he has approached during his marriage so he won't stop until you make him. Either tell him to grow up and behave himself or you will show his emails to his wife or do it anyway. But if you give him an ultimatum, be prepared to go through with it. You have my sympathies, it is a horrible situation to be in.

qazxc · 30/04/2018 18:25

Stop emailing with him or a one sentence reply "that's inappropriate fuck off Derek" whenever he steps out of line.

saiya06 · 30/04/2018 18:29

Reblock him and continue a distant relationship. Don't involve your sister and stop giving him chances. The end.

Shutupanddance1 · 30/04/2018 18:31

‘You realise your as ugly as sin Derek’...

Jaxhog · 30/04/2018 18:32

Reblock him and continue a distant relationship. Don't involve your sister and stop giving him chances.
This

Neverender · 30/04/2018 18:33

I'd tell him to eff off and make sure you keep the email trail!

Neverender · 30/04/2018 18:33

If he then did it again, I'd forward them to her and copy him in.

Neverender · 30/04/2018 18:35

I should add that I've been in a very similar situation and when it all came out (he declared his undying love for me publicly even though I'd never shown him any signs I like him and had told him repeatedly to leave me alone), everyone ask why I hadn't said something. Don't cover for him.

Neverender · 30/04/2018 18:35

Keeping it a secret made me quite ill.

Mxyzptlk · 30/04/2018 18:35

^^ What saiya06 said.

I'm a similar age to you and that's what I'd do.

Cliveybaby · 30/04/2018 18:38

Can you copy her in on all future emails?
So he emails you, and you reply to both of them, chatting about garden etc... I bet he won't do it when she can see it.

CuntPuffin · 30/04/2018 18:41

I would send a short email along the lines of
'You are my sister's husband. My loyalty will always be to her. Stop sending me inappropriate messages or I will show them to her.'

KinkyAfro · 30/04/2018 18:41

Can't understand why you unblocked him in the first place

Stormwhale · 30/04/2018 18:42

I would send one message stating that I was uncomfortable with the content of his messages and let him know i no longer want to email/message with him. Then I would block, but keep the emails/messages as proof that you have not put a foot wrong.

To be honest though I think you should have stopped this a long time ago, and certainly shouldn't have been bringing up risky topics like taking a bath. I think I would be more careful in future that your behaviour could not be seen as something it's not. That does not excuse his pervy behaviour though, that is all on him.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 30/04/2018 18:52

In no way do I mean this to be rude towards you, but if you think you are the only woman he has done this to, you are kidding yourself.

I was in a similar situation and for similar reasons to you didn't say anything to someone very close to me. That was a big mistake.

Later it came out that the guy was trying his luck with all and sundry, and the person I was trying to protect was deeply hurt that I hadn't told her what her partner was up to.

Put your sister first. You're not compromising her happiness, he is.

MaryBread · 30/04/2018 18:52

I would email saying that you find some of his messages inappropriate and therefore you will be ending the correspondence.

missbattenburg · 30/04/2018 18:56

I absolutely cannot involve my sister because I do not want to compromise her happiness

While I understand the intent, in all honesty, this is not your choice, it is hers. By keeping this to yourself you are denying her the opportunity and right to make an informed decision about her marriage.

Whether you tell her or not, she is married to someone who is behaving like this. By keeping it secret you don't stop that being true, you just stop her being able to do anything about it.

Give her the information you have, grant her the ability to make her own decisions and then support her in them. That would be my choice, anyway.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 18:56

Yuk he sounds like a lecherous old man. Have you had your breasts checked and looking at knickers in your house? I wonder if he's like this with other women? What a creep Sad

I'd echo the advice given here- a short message informing him you find his comments totally inappropriate and rude and then block him.

I don't agree that you've encouraged him at all.

SomeKnobend · 30/04/2018 18:56

You need to show her the messages and explain it's not true about the knickers. Every time he does this it looks worse on you for keeping it a secret.

Nunya · 30/04/2018 18:58

Of course he was perfectly fine and well-behaved when your sister was present! You unblocked his emails which may have made him think (incorrectly!) that was a green light to re-start his previous behavior. Men like that seem to take the tiniest thing as encouragement. If you really don't want to involve your DS, then block him again and ignore him. Personally, I would respond to him in a way that makes it clear that you are NOT interested, think it's disgusting that he is acting this way behind his wife's back and tell him that if it continues, you will have no choice but to show your sister the emails from him. Then if he chooses to continue, show her the emails. As a pp said: You aren't compromising her happiness, her husband is!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/04/2018 19:00

I agree morally with telling your sister but in reality what is likely to happen is that he blames you and forces his wife to choose between him and her sister. He clearly doesn't respect his wife and will lie his balls off.

You could well end up as the bad guy in all this through no fault of your own.

bonnyshide · 30/04/2018 19:03

Tell him he's inappropriate, and that you're not comfortable communicating with him anymore or seeing him without your DSIS around.

Block him.

Don't involve you sister (but keep all emails in case you need them as proof one day)

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 30/04/2018 19:05

I think Cuntpuffin's suggested message is excellent, although I think the middle sentence is unnecessary. The first and third are perfect by themselves - brief & unambiguous, they should bring him to his senses.

Whenwillspringfinallyarrive · 30/04/2018 19:10

If I was your sister I'd want to know my DH was behaving like this.