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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go out with my FWB whilst in a relationship?

44 replies

MyGrassNeedsCutting · 30/04/2018 17:02

NC and all that.

So I had a FWB when I was single, we ended the sexual side of it in December but stayed friends.

I am now in a new relationship.

The FWB invited me to go out with him back in December to a gig, it's not for a couple of weeks.

The guy I'm now seeing isn't happy with me spending time with the old FWB due to history between us.

WIBU to still go even though there is nothing between us??

We will be meeting to go to the gig and as soon as it's finished, we will go home separately.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 19:56

Going out with a man you've had sex with in the past - going out just the two of you - has a very date-like quality. It's weird to claim new guy is unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it

Weird to have a different point of view? Surely it’s just different people finding different things unreasonable.

It would be a date if they were intending to have sex again surely. If they’re not then there’s no problem. It’s not reasonable to expect a level of trust!

New guy isn’t unreasonable to raise it, but neither would OP be unreasonable to disagree

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 19:56

Not UNreasonable to expect a level of trust

Nailsshinelikejustice · 30/04/2018 20:03

Exactly. So they would be incompatible if he, quite reasonably, objects. And it may be pretty hard to find someone who feels comfortable with this particular scenario.

Trust and respect are vital, but you have to earn them both in a relatively new relationship.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 20:06

Trust and respect are vital, but you have to earn them both in a relatively new relationship

Fair point. And tricky because in the OP’s situation, him questioning my trustworthiness would mean I lost respect for him.

I guess I just feel differently because I’ve been the OP, except I went to the gig with my ex-H of 14 years, and his new partner didn’t mind in the slightest.

CheshireChat · 30/04/2018 20:09

I think an ex is a bit different from a FWB type of relationship simply because if it's just physical then it's easy to pick back up at anytime. Whereas when a relationship breaks down there's a lot more baggage in the way in general.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 20:11

I think an ex is a bit different from a FWB type of relationship simply because if it's just physical then it's easy to pick back up at anytime

Sure. But if one party says they’re not going to it’s reasonable to expect to be believed I think. If I said “right, not sleeping with FWB” anymore that’s exactly what the situation would be.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 20:13

I think I have a very black and white feeling about trust though.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 30/04/2018 20:15

Please don't set the precedent for him telling you what you are allowed to do.

Crunchymum · 30/04/2018 20:18

Why did you and FWB stop shagging OP?

Nailsshinelikejustice · 30/04/2018 20:18

Yes that's interesting - I'm also on excellent terms with my exH, mainly to make things as easy as possible for DD. We still went on family days out in the early post separation days. DP is not in the least phased by this, and I definitely would not accept it if he had a problem. But I doubt I'd still keep in touch with ex if we didn't have DD. Hmmm

SandyY2K · 30/04/2018 20:20

I went to the gig with my ex-H of 14 years, and his new partner didn’t mind in the slightest.

Just because she didn't vocalise it, doesn't mean she was happy about it.

People will sometimes let it go...or say they're fine about it so as not to be accused of jealousy or insecurity.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 20:23

*Just because she didn't vocalise it, doesn't mean she was happy about it.

People will sometimes let it go...or say they're fine about it so as not to be accused of jealousy or insecurity*

With respect I know her very well. We’re great friends in our own right. She was fine with it.

TheOneWith · 30/04/2018 20:33

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, you’re just incompatible.

He hasn’t told you that you can’t go, he has expressed a view that he’s not happy with you going out, one on one, with an ex that you only stopped shagging a few months ago.

Me, I’d think you were not over your ex and would probably end things if you decided to go out with him.

No big deal, you’ve only been dating the new guy for what, a few weeks? I’m sure you’ll find someone that’s perfectly fine with you spending time with an ex fuck buddy, there’s plenty of people on this thread who’d be cool with it.

You’re probably doing the guy a favour by being clear from the start that you’ll continue a relationship with your ex-fuck, it’ll save him wasting any more time.

Original poster

MyGrassNeedsCutting · 30/04/2018 20:34

Sounds really weird but we stopped due to religious beliefs (on his part).

We didn't fall out, we never planned to be anything in the first place but the sex naturally happened.

I did have feelings for him but now only as a friend. There is 0 chance of us rekindling anything.

I do not view him in that way anymore. We are solely friends now, he has helped me out a hell of a lot the last 6 months.

OP posts:

Winebottle · 30/04/2018 20:37

JacquesHammer

Its not just about questioning trustworthiness. If my husband wanted to meet up with an ex, I would believe that he had no intention of having sex with her but I still wouldn't be happy about it.

Romantic feelings and sexual attraction are not black and white. It is very common for FWB arrangements to develop into something more. People often claim the is nothing between them but it happens anyway.

By spending one on one intimate time with someone who you have a sexual history with, you are risking feelings developing. With time, you may decide that you prefer this guy to your current BF. If you are keeping your options open, that is fine but if he thought you were in a committed relationship, I can see why he is not happy about it.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2018 20:44

I suppose it depends on the FWB situation. I’ve had mine for 4 years. Not in the slightest bit interested in it developing so when it ends I know that will be it, you know?

TriHard27 · 30/04/2018 20:46

I don’t think New Guy is being controlling, I wouldn’t be comfortable in his shoes either. I wouldn’t go, better to lose a friend-who-isn’t-really-a-friend than lose your new relationship if that’s more important to you. However, if you really really want to see the other guy you might want to think about why. Who would you rather?

Original poster

MyGrassNeedsCutting · 30/04/2018 20:50

I'm actually going to sound horrible but I'm really not. It's not so much as wanting to see the other guy, it's because I really want to go to the gig.

I have text him to explain and he's fine with it, said if it was his gf, he wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

OP posts:

Mousefunky · 30/04/2018 20:52

I would say it depends on whether your OH is happy with it or not but since he isn’t, there is your answer. I don’t think it’s about being controlling, I honestly don’t know many people who would be thrilled at the concept of their partner going on a night out with their ex. It’s weird.

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