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Original poster

12 year old son outed and bullied - WWYD?

27 replies

Lonelybutnice · 29/04/2018 19:54

I posted this on another board but I thought it may get more responses here.

My 12 year old son broke down last night and told me that he has been ‘outed’ at school.
There was a situation at a sleep over a month ago where he kissed another boy. We told him at the time that we feel he’s too young for this type of behaviour but reassured him that the gender of the person is matterless, we just feel he’s too young to be acting on feelings.

This boy has now told everybody at the school (this boy is out and proud) and my son is now being jeered and teased about it.

He said it’s not really unbearable but that he’s really dreading the end of the weekend. He’s told me that he’s fairly certain he’s gay but that he’s not remotely ready to tell people about it.

My plan was initially to speak to the other boys mother but now I’m thinking to do directly to the school and ask them to address the issue immediately.

Does anybody have any advice on the best course of action to take please?

OP posts:
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 29/04/2018 20:02

Bless him, its lovely he feels he can talk to you though.
If he's bullied about it I would take it up with school, and would expect them to take an absolutely zero tolerance approach on homophobic bullying.
I would just reinforce to him how proud you are of him and be there to talk to when he needs it. X

cunningartificer · 29/04/2018 20:19

Speak to the school immediately, and get them to tackle the homophobic bullying. It’s really common at this age when plenty of children are dealing with emerging sexual feelings, but not acceptable. Bear in mind that many if not most people who are gay speak about knowing it themselves when they are very young, and be aware your son may be gay (equally he may just be experimenting). What you say to him and how you deal with it will have a huge impact on your relationship and on his self-esteem. It’s brilliant he’s talking to you about it. Make it clear you find the bullying totally unacceptable and not funny or bantering, but also make it clear that you don’t think being gay is something to be ashamed of.

cunningartificer · 29/04/2018 20:26

Also you might get some good advice from stonewall etc about how he can answer back to bullying remarks effectively without getting angry or defensive.

cornflakegirl · 29/04/2018 20:27

What's he being teased about? Is it homophobic, or just that he's kissed someone? I would expect the school to be zero tolerance on the former, but the latter is trickier. The kids are coming to terms with puberty and sex and emotions and I think there will always be some teasing and some embarrassment around who fancies who.

CatchingBabies · 29/04/2018 20:32

Speak to the school, homophobic bullying is classed as a hate crime and against the law. The school needs to recognise the seriousness of this and act, if they don't threaten to involve the police. I'm assuming tr children bullying him are the same age? In which case they are over the age of criminal responsibility. Maybe having this pointed out to them would shut them up! I went through the same thing at school and it was horrendous.

Claire90ftm · 30/04/2018 11:12

I agree with all of the PP's. Talking to the school is a great idea. I just wanted to say that it's lovely that your son feels comfortable enough to tell you his feelings like this. It's so hard for children coming out to their parents, so I would be very proud of him for doing so.

Stephisaur · 30/04/2018 11:18

I would talk to the school regarding the bullying. I would hope that they could at least be on the lookout.

I would be wary about contacting the other boy's mother. You don't want to 'out' him, and you have no idea how his parents might feel about the situation.

I do think it's lovely that your son has spoken to you about this. I hope he has an ok day at school today :)

BamBamIsALittleShit · 30/04/2018 11:18

I think it's sweet that he's been able to come to terms with his sexuality so early on. I agree with PPs that you should report this to the school.

I don't agree that he's too young to be kissing though.

Original poster
Lonelybutnice · 30/04/2018 14:54

Thank you for the replies. This morning he asked me to hang fire with any action as he was hopeful things may have died down a bit after the weekend.

I will see how things have been today then decide what course of action to take.

Thank you everybody, I am also pleased (and proud) that he talked to me openly.

OP posts:
stickerrocks · 30/04/2018 14:59

It's every parent's nightmare that their child will get teased & bullied at school. Keep the lines of communication open (I find my best conversations with DD take place in the car), don't promise not to speak to the school, and remind D'S of how proud you are of him for the way he is trying to deal with it.

therealposieparker · 30/04/2018 15:03

Stonewall are a horrific charity IMO. Bullying is unacceptable for any reason. Write a letter and ask to go in, a paper complaint has to be recorded as bullying, a chat does not.

AjasLipstick · 30/04/2018 15:23

What's wrong with Stonewall? Confused

OP is there a group for LGBT youth in your area? Kids can find a lot of help and support at some of them.

My friend, a gay man, once told me that the best piece of advice he ever got was that his sexuality is HIS business and he didn't have to discuss it or announce it to anyone.

SofiaAmes · 30/04/2018 15:28

So sorry your son is going through this, although it seems like he's dealing with it pretty well for a 12 year old.
12 seems pretty normal for a boy to start having sexual feelings gay or not gay. I'm not sure it's wise to suggest to your son that he is too young to act on these feelings. It might be better to give him some guidance on how to act on his feelings appropriately. Of course that's easier said than done, but I'm sure if you Google "how to give sex ed advice to a tween," you will find 2 zillion articles and books.

blinkowl · 30/04/2018 15:53

What's wrong with Stonewall?

Stonewall supports trans ideology that's homophobic.

Trans Rights Ideology holds that the terms "lesbian" and "gay" do not mean same-sex attracted but same gender attracted. By their reasoning a penis is not a male organ necessarily - on a transwoman, it becomes a female sexual organ.

According to trans rights activists that Stonewall support, if you are a lesbian who doesn't want to date a transwoman with a dick, then you are a bigot - a "fact" many TRAs and male-bodied "lesbians" like to point out pretty forcefully. "Vagina fetishist" is another term that gets bandied about.

Young lesbians in particular are coming under attack from "woke" peers and transwomen and made to feel they're wrong for not accepting penises in their bedroom. Many people are quite rightly horrified by this. For more, on this see #cottonceiling on Twitter

Stonewall are a champion of trans rights and have totally ignored L&G people asking for debate on this, or for them to challenge ideas that will erase lesbian and gay as same-sex terms.

They may have a lesbian CEO but they accept a lot of funding to do work on trans issues.

They also put out a report on suicidal thoughts of transgender teens that was nowhere near scientifically sound - it was a terrible piece of research - more marketing report than scientific study. But because they have a good name, based on the past, it gave it credibility and it's quoted in policies in schools and public bodies, by parents making decision about whether their teens should have surgery.

Especially because suicide is contagious this is totally irresponsible (if you tell a bunch of vulnerable people they're more at risk of suicide, more of them will attempt suicide).

I don't want to derail this thread into to trans thread - but they wouldn't be my first choice to take my gay child to, not by a long shot.

Original poster
Lonelybutnice · 30/04/2018 18:09

Thanks again. He has returned from school today and seemingly relieved, announced ‘only 2 people laughing at me today!’
My friend (and also the mother of one of my DS’s friends) has called to say her DD has told her what has happened. She strongly believes I should go and see the mother of the other boy, she believes it should be nipped in the bud and the mother should be aware of what is happening. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
nineteentwelve · 30/04/2018 20:20

If your son is coping with it okay without intervention I would say it's okay to leave it, so long as you keep an eye on him/make sure you talk about things with him regularly. It's so good he is being so open with you!!
The only fear is that you talk to the other childs mother and it makes things worse for your DS. It may be that in a few days it is forgotten about. I am not totally sure though, it depends how resilient your DS is with it

helpfulperson · 30/04/2018 21:50

As cornflakegirl says it's important to try and work out if he is getting teased because he kissed someone or because it was a boy. It isn't right or ok either way but the first is much less worrying.

MrsLupo · 30/04/2018 22:16

I wouldn't go to the mum of the other boy. As well as not knowing how she feels/if she knows about his sexuality, you would be getting into a confrontation with her about his behaviour in a way that would likely be construed as criticism. I think there's a strong chance it's a conversation that would end badly. BUT I do think it's important this boy thinks more carefully about letting other individuals decide for themselves how much personal information they want to share, instead of running round outing people, which is unacceptable imo. So I would approach school about his breach of your son's privacy as well as/instead of about any homophobic behaviour or bullying, and ask them to talk to him about this very basic form of respect.

Agree with the pp's comments about Stonewall, btw.

SofiaAmes · 01/05/2018 07:06

As a parent of a boy who has been severely bullied, I highly recommend that you DO NOT go and see the parent of the other boy. My experience with parents of bullies is that there is a clear genetic/environmental reason why these kids are bullies and talking to the parents can range from useless to completely exacerbating the situation. I actually had one parent tell me that it was perfectly acceptable for her dd to call my ds a "Pig" because he was in fact a messy eater (note that ds has dyspraxia and is exceptionally clumsy and this parent was well aware of this diagnosis).

In conclusion, your ds may well need you to intervene for him at some point, but from what you are describing, now is not that point.

Smeddum · 01/05/2018 07:12

He has returned from school today and seemingly relieved, announced ‘only 2 people laughing at me today!’

That made me want to cry. He’s done nothing wrong, and is actually relieved because only 2 people laughed! I’m glad he can talk to you, that’s so important.

I think the other boy needs to know that he had no right to tell anyone and “out” your son, I would speak to his Mum. Not in a confrontational way, but he needs to understand that what he did was very unfair and not his story to tell.

Staying · 01/05/2018 07:18

Go to the school, not the mother. Let the school sort out with her. You don't know what her reaction will be. And in school grounds, it's not her responsibility to nip it in the bud, it's the school's. With her back up.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 01/05/2018 07:21

I would speak to the school and insist that they take a firm stance right now to stamp this out.

Unfortunately the danger with speaking to the parents is that their kids have learned to be bullies from them Sad

Well done for being a lovely parent to your son - it's great that he didn't have any fears about coming out to you Flowers

mrspicklepants27 · 01/05/2018 07:23

Oh bless him. You're clearly a wonderful mum as he feels comfortable telling you this.

Shedmicehugh1 · 01/05/2018 07:26

Listen to what your son wants you to do. He should have a say. He trusts you.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/05/2018 07:44

I would want the living daylights scared out of the pupils who are committing homophobic harassment. I'd want the school to be using vocabulary like 'hate crime' to them and pointing out to them and their parents what may happen if it continues.

Your poor boy. And yes, I think the other boy should have pointed out to him that what he did was very wrong. He perhaps wasn't always 'out and proud' and then would he have liked this to happen to him?

Quite apart from anything else, I agree with your stance that your son is too young for this sort of thing, regardless of sex/sexuality. I have a 12yo who is very nearly 13 and it (genuinely) isn't on his radar. I would be looking a bit more closely at the culture of the school.

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