The M word

[nonnonsensemum]

What would you do?
Background: I am a divorcee; I brought my DD on my own and then with my DS, when he realised what a twat his DF was; I am financially independent and generally happy!
Situation: DCs have gone off to Uni, I moved in with my DP of 8 yrs and love living with him. So last year, after a bit of drink (actually quite a lot of drink) my DP said he would eventually ask me to marry him. I laughed and changed the subject - he was quite tipsy, after all. Then a couple of months later, a similar thing happened, but he was not so tipsy. I said he would have to actually ask me for any answer, but I look forward to that time! We laughed and moved on with other conversation.
So about a year down the line and the subject has not come up again until this weekend. We were at the wedding for our close friends. My DP and I were stood at the bar, at one point in the evening. Out of the blue he said he wouldn’t want to “do this, getting married, registry office as like a production line and having all this fuss.”
Before I could say anything we had company.
I know there is no need for us to be married, we are too old for kids together and we are living happily together. However, now I find myself quite sad. I would have said yes at the drop of a hat as I love him to bits and would have been delighted to be his wife.
So what do I do know, if anything at all?

Does he know this is how you feel? He may have thought you didn’t want it. You need to have a proper sober conversation about this.

Was he commenting on the actual type of wedding rather than marriage as an institution?

You've been with him 8 years and you can't discuss this??

Until and unless he asks, he hasn't asked and so give it no head-space whatsoever.

Unless you feel strongly enough you'd want to marry him and are willing to ask him yourself.

My now DH said something similar to me when we were at friends wedding at Gretna Green which really was like a conveyor belt and even had a few couples on floor at same time doing a medlay of their chosen first dance tunes Truly awful. As pps ha e said maybe he meant the kind of wedding you were attending wasn't for him, not that he didn't want to marry you.
What did you reply to him? Sometimes we don't want to sound 'needy' so don't say how we truly feel but l think on this important subject you really should be.

really should say how you feel l meant.

Bahhhhhumbug - I have not had a chance to talk to him about it, as we have been at the wedding all weekend and I definitely did not want to cause thing that might cross over on to the wedding. So I just kept smiling!
As for the comment about not being able to talk to him, the subject of marriage was never an issue until he brought it up last year. It was something, I thought would happen in good time until yesterday!

Talk to him, OP. His comment is ambiguous - he may mean he can't see you ever getting married, or he may mean that if you do get married he'd want it to be a very different kind of wedding to the one you attended this weekend. And he may not know what you want either. Have a proper chat about it and see where you get to.

I would raise the subject when it seems right and mention you would like to be his wife, and discuss your views on getting married. I personally don’t think you need a large wedding, not even a party as such but what you do depends on how you both want to approach it. I would definitely raise the subject after all he raised it first. Whatever you both decide I would discuss it rather than leave it without establishing what you both want.

Truly, I don't understand how anyone can be in a serious relationship yet be unable to sit down like adults and have a conversation about a subject of concern. Skip the booze and TALK to him about it. Say his mixed signals have confused you and it's time to clear the air. What are you waiting for?

I like what Aquamarine says about the mixed signals and wanting to clear the air etc. Yes you should say something along those lines. I know where you're coming from l bottled this subject up for years and it turned out DH just didn't think l was bothered and wanted to get married even more than me.

You are all right - I need to sit down and talk to him.
I suppose the issue is, before the subject was brought up, I just thought marriage was not going to happen to me. Now it has be said, I realise I actually don’t want it unsaid. So, I haven’t brought up the subject. (Something to do with the last shreds of the romantic left somewhere in me, I suspect!)
I was just after some advise, as to discuss or leave well alone.
The last thing I want is for him to feel he was strong armed into doing something he definitely doesn’t want to do and resenting me. And as was said, maybe it was the type of event. That didn’t occur to me!!