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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discipline?

34 replies

AmericanBiscuits · 29/04/2018 09:25

This morning DH and I were having a particularly frustrating morning with our 15 month old DS. He has started to run his toy cars and stuffed animals all over the TV and no matter how much we tell him to stop, take the toy away, remove him from the room, etc., he just continues to do it every time we are in the lounge, which is quite frequently.

After the 3rd or 4th incident, my DH said that he thinks we should start to take away the toy DS is running on the TV and smash it with a hammer in front of him!

At first I genuinely thought he was joking and I started laughing as it was a bizarre thing to say. But then he got quite defensive and said that DS will stop if his toys are being destroyed when he doesn't listen.

I told him that there is no way in hell that we are going to start smashing our toddler's toys with a hammer and told him it is an absolutely insane thing to suggest. He got stroppy about it and now we are not speaking to each other, as he thinks I'm being unreasonable, and I think he is.

Is this normal? I can't understand where this hateful and violent suggestion has come from. My DH is normally a very calm and loving father, so I am baffled by the entire situation. Yes it is very annoying behaviour from DS, but surely smashing his toys with a hammer is far worse than anything DS is doing! AIBU?

OP posts:

NorthernKnickers · 29/04/2018 09:27

Completely bonkers! Is he on glue??

Daddystepdaddy · 29/04/2018 09:29

It is coming from frustration at the fact that you haven't found an.effective way to discipline your toddler yet. Doing spiteful things like breaking toys is a really bad idea. Are you giving him time out when you remove him from the room?

HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 09:29

That's a crazy reaction. If I'd smashed my daughter's toys when she did that kind of thing she'd have had none left!

BloodyBosch · 29/04/2018 09:29

😮 that's ridiculous. He's far too little to understand consequences. It would be alarmed by the thought process that got your DH to this conclusion.
Don't take his toys away, distract him. Say no firmly, then show him something else to do.

Pengggwn · 29/04/2018 09:31

Abusive, not to mention dangerous.

LP17 · 29/04/2018 09:31

@AmericanBiscuits your husband is BU. What an odd suggestion!! It's obviously very frustrating to try and manage that kind of behaviour, but what your husband needs to understand is that by smashing your DS toys with a hammer, all he will learn is fear and anger. Your DS is too young to be doing something with malicious intent - he's 15m old! Is there a way you can 'redirect' his play? Eg a piece of black paper on the wall for him to use the same way as the TV or a car mat or something?

Idontdowindows · 29/04/2018 09:32

Seconding the "is he on glue" question. Your husband, not the toddler.

kezzy13 · 29/04/2018 09:33

I take my son's toys away and put them in the 'bin' (a clean carrier bag which I then hide) maybe this would work as a middle ground?

swingofthings · 29/04/2018 09:33

Dealing with disciplining a toddler by showing violent behaviour? Nope, not a good idea at all. Taking the toy away and getting it back with good behaviour will be much effective.

Fflamingo · 29/04/2018 09:34

Not having control over the situation can make some people unreasonably angry, distraction is the way to go imv Ooo what's that funny thing on DHs head - sock/ tea towel / saucepan whatever.

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 29/04/2018 09:34

Your toddler is too young to get it.

Your DH's somewhat extreme reaction (I get it though, it's so frustrating) isn't going to be in any way effective for years. By then you can reason them and you smashing won't be required!

Good luck OP

Original poster

AmericanBiscuits · 29/04/2018 09:34

BloodyBosch Yes I am also concerned about the thought process. It is just so crazy. I can only assume he is tired (we had a long night as DS is teething) and not thinking clearly.

OP posts:

FlibbertyGiblets · 29/04/2018 09:38

how about putting the telly in a Babydan thing?

soundsystem · 29/04/2018 09:38

Um, yeah it’s a bonkers idea. At 15 months I don’t think you can (or, arguably, should!) “discipline” them, you just need to distract them.

But smashing up toys, no. If another child was played by in a way that was annoying your son, would you want him to start smashing up their toys?

hedgebackwards · 29/04/2018 09:43

Put one of those large fireguards (or similar) round that bit of the room so he physically can't get to the tv.

Alternatively, get him a large piece of cardboard and make him his own pretend tv.

Apple23 · 29/04/2018 09:44

It's a schema, a set of repetitive actions for learning about the world. He'll develop others ('posting' is another one).

www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/grownups/schemas

If your DH does as he suggests, then all he teaches your DS is

To hit things with another object until they break
Screens are more important than people's feelings

You know that saying: you reap what you sow...

userabcname · 29/04/2018 09:47

No way, you will just teach him how to destroy stuff!! Also he might think it's funny and start breaking his other toys so it could completely back fire. I would either try to re-direct or distract him. Your DH is definitely being unreasonable.

Topseyt · 29/04/2018 09:47

Ridiculous suggestion by your DH.

I'd take away every toy DS does this with and put it well out of reach, where it might stay for the rest if the day if I felt so inclined.

I also used to go and dump mine in their rooms following similar behaviour at that age, where I would leave them until I had definitely finished my own cup of tea or coffee and was ready to face them again. They then rarely repeated the behaviour, at least not for a long time anyway.

It worked for us, but you have to be consistent with it.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2018 09:51

As others have said it's a bonkers idea hopefully just as a result of tiredness and frustration.

Do you know much about your DH's childhood? Did his parents do this?

Anyway, at 15 months he's far too young for anything other than distraction or removing him from the situation. You just need to keep doing that calmly over and over again, even if it's the 100th time.

Echobelly · 29/04/2018 09:51

A lot of men, my DH included, seem to have unrealistic expectations of kids. Mine also advocates throwing away toys (not smashing them with a hammer though!) but I've always said I couldn't see it would work and he'd often be complaining about kids... well, being kids really (ie noisy, not listening etc)

Of course a 15-month-old will trail his toys around everywhere, probably noisily, because he's 15 months old! You can tell him off, but he will probably do it again. A better alternative might be to try to tell him where he can put his toys and firmly remind him 'Toys don't go on the TV' and trying not to lose it when he inevitably does it again, just keep repeating 'Not on the TV' . A firm, calm reminder will do better than something sudden and scary, which I think just tends to make the kids think 'Daddy is so horrid! That's so unfair' rather than 'I'll never do that again'

MrsCrabbyTree · 29/04/2018 09:57

Your 15 month old will outgrow this frustrating behaviour. I hope your DH does as well. . (15 month old babies do not have the reasoning process your husband thinks they do.)

User467 · 29/04/2018 10:06

If your DH smashes the toys with a hammer the only thing, if anything, that it will teach your son is that it is ok to smash things with a hammer. Soft toy on telly or hammer on telly.......tough one 🤔

Pollypudding · 29/04/2018 10:08

Are you watching the TV at the time- perhaps he is trying to get your attention. Perhaps he needs some help in role modelling appropriate play with the toys. Smashing a toy in front of a child is not appropriate role modelling and in my opinion is abusive. I would be concerned as to why your husband thought this would solve the issue and it makes me wonder how he was “disciplined”. To be perfectly frank a 15 month old child does not need punished they need positive role modelling and play. I am horrified by your post and you are not BU at all

BarbarianMum · 29/04/2018 10:18

Your dh needs to understand that your toddler(at this age walking baby) has very little understanding of complex cause and effect and even less impulse control. He doesn't get that he's annoying you by making you say "no" repeatedly, he doesn't get he could damage the tv and he certainly won't get that his dad smashing his toys is related to this behaviour.

At this age you need to physically intervene and distract. If its constant can you create a physical barrier to keep him away from the tv?

Separately, do you think yoyr dh would be open to reading some books on todfler development and discipline. Soon your ds will be old enough for simple discipline and it would be really helpful if you were both on the same page with some age appropriate techniques.

Lethaldrizzle · 29/04/2018 10:22

What's wrong with running toy cars on the tv?

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