He's trying to control me again

[TheScandinavianWoman]

I’m in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive marriage. I’m the one who’s moving out, I’m trying to get back on my feet after being a SAHM for a while, so starting work soon. The problem is STBEXH is receiving certain benefits because he’s a carer for his mum, when I start work I obviously will be registered with HMRC and will be paying tax, he has said that if his benefits gets stopped I have to pay him back what’s he’s lost every month? AIBU to say no? I feel like this is another way for him to try control and bully me into doing things as he has done in the past. He’s very controlling, manipulative and a bully. Please help

Why would you working stop his benefits for caring for us mum? Carers allowance isn't income based. I smell bs. You owe him nothing. He can move out and live alone if he's so worried

If it's uk carers allowance then it's related to his own income especially if you have been a SAHM. You leaving him will only mean he is considered a single person. How can he expect you to responsible for his future circumstances?

Definitely say no! What is it he thinks he's entitled to? If he wants any money off you he needs to take you to court.

And if you move out then what you do has absolutely no impact on him! Tell him to fuck off

I'm not an expert but I would advise you to ignore. Its more controlling behaviour. Dont react, just keep on doing what you are doing and dont engage. Good luck with the job and your new life.

Control tatic. My EXH came up with all sorts of bull, all money based. He's full of hot air and empty threats. Just say no.

Yes it's UK. My plan is to start work while I'm living here then move out when I have enough money. Wouldn't his benefits get stopped if we're living in the same house and I'm working?

He's lying, your income will not affect his carers, that's because seperated you are not financially responsible for him. He sounds an entitled twat

A gentle, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” is all that is required here.

There is no bridge. Do not engage. Good for you for checking it out here.

If you start work whilst still living in the house then yes it will affect his benefits assuming he is also receiving Income Support or another income related benefit as a top up to Carers Allowance.

Oldbutstillgotit
I was going to say the same. Depending on what your current circumstances are. Is he employed or claiming income support for you both as a family unit? If the latter then you working could see him lose entitlement to income support.

oh god, her eldest foster sibling that she has custody of, his conflict after she brings him to Howard university, and he says he would go there, but they have the same sur name and he wants a low profile at university.... his face scrolling through her twitter feed (no spoilers).
She's passing the conflict and confusion on to next generation even though she is not cruel.

Yes he's claiming that too, do you guys think he's still being a CF by asking me to repay it back if he loses the entitlement. Is there anything I can do so he can claim as a single person? I was thinking of mailing DWP/HMRC

Also, if his benefits stop them you will be responsible for paying rent etc from your wages so you will struggle to build up savings . If it has to be you that leaves then do so- stay with family/ friends , work your socks off and get your own place . Ask Women’s Aid for support . Speak to the Local Authority about housing. Once you are out of the house then you aren’t obliged to make up his benefits . I assume your DC will be with you so he will still have to pay CM .

Op ignore, ignore, ignore, he is absolutely being a CF by expecting you to pay him anything, don't let him manipulate you.

His finances are just that HIS, you are separated, disengage and leave it to him to worry about, be prepared to mentally block all he is saying.

Good for you getting back into the workplace, l am sure once you are out and about working you will se even more how unreasonable he is being.

OP , as soon as you move out he can claim as a single person. I appreciate that he has worn you down but please try to think of yourself and DC. Despite what he says it is up to HIM to sort out his benefits .

Until you leave the household your finances are considered household income. It would be fraud if he failed to report your income and he would likely lose entitlement to income support and possible housing costs too. Do make enquiries as I'm not sure if separation is considered when you both live together.

If you’re living together as a couple and he is claiming for you then yes, it will. If you are in the same house but not together you both need to claim separately and then it won’t.

It is notoriously difficult to claim separately while living in the same house , especially if married .

You don´t need to sort this out. Emailing/phoning people to sort this out for him is not your responsibility. You are no longer a couple. His finances are his problem.

Stand your ground, are there children involved?

Whether you are together or not it's household income that is relevant to claims for benefit.

He's a cheeky fucker. You don't owe him shit. He's just trying to milk you and making you feel responsible for his income.

I would second pp. Get out, ASAP. Even if it’s a lockable room in a shared household for a few months.

Disengage physically and emotionally.