I’m sure I’m probably BU... but I’m struggling with FIL behaviour

[karmacoma1]

Trying to keep this brief.

My fil has a stroke just before xmas.

Huge shock for us all. Incredibly upsetting.

My dh is his only child. Every week 3-4 times a week, he finishes work and drives to see him. He then comes home at 9pm. We have a one year old. This means I’m getting our dd up dressed and to child care, working a full day before picking her up, home, full feeding bath bed etc, alone.

I haven’t minded doing this. Dh needs to see his dad.

However now we are several months along. Now fil has apparently recovered from the risk effects of the stroke. He is not in danger. He just needs to practice some physio to get him up and moving and into full recovery.

But he won’t. It’s like he loves being ‘babied’ and in hospital, and being waited on hand and foot. Other people on his ward with worse conditions gave worked hard and improved and gone home - and he’s still there!

He has a wife who although is a lovely woman, does not seem to want to encourage him to do the physio work he’s been set. He has been on a home visit 3 times now - twice staying overnight.

My dh was excited, as it seemed like a real step to him being released l.. but due to his refusal to do physio etc, the plan is now to move him to another hospital.

My dh is completely frustrated and so am I. Our lives have been on hold since this happened, our daughter has missed out on so much time with her gf... but he doesn’t seem to care.

To add insult to injury, fil also now has his iPhone in hospital. Where he spends his time constantly checking in and re checking in to the hospital for attention- and also putting inappropriate comments up. Like suggesting his ex wife (dh mum) gives him a bed bath 😟

There are other family members who feel the same as dh and I - like his brother, whose now not allowed to see him, because well. I don’t think he liked hearing the truth. That he needs to stop messing around, and start working with the docs so he can go home.

And I have no idea how to handle my distraught dh. Any ideas or experience of this would be appreciated

If he's in hospital, your DH needs to stop visiting him 4 times a week. No wonder he wants to stay! Twice a week max and I bet anything he'll start working at his physio then

Thank you tea - I’ve thought as much. Having so many people dance attention on him can’t be helping.

Nurses call it pyjama paralysis when patients are capable of trying, but just won't. Obviously he had a huge fright himself, but I still don't think yabu

Stop putting you life on hold.
Your fil is out of the dangers zone. Your dh and yourself have supported him and it is now time for to pull back.
I would ask dh to think about damitically reducing his visiting schedule ie maybe once a week at most. And let fil see reality. That life will go on without him.
Hopefully the will give him the push he need to work on physio.
You have done all you can. It is now time to put your own little family first.

YANBU. This must be very distressing for your DH

Google the "sick role", it sounds like FIL is fully immersed in it. My DF is similar and it is absolutely exhausting. In my case DF is out of hospital now but he still very much clings to the idea that there is nothing he can do to improve his lot. Everyone must instead run themselves ragged to enable him to fully enjoy the sick role he has created for himself

It took me realising that DF didn't want to get better for me to take a step back emotionally. It has been a lot easier for me since. It's very hard to detach but ultimately self preservation won out.

I've also had to hide him on FB so I couldn't get the rage from the constant checking in at local health facilities.

I’m surprised they are keeping him in hospital. They usually move to a care home, if out of danger, but not recovered enough to go home.

Maybe mention to fil this could be an option?

Inappropriate comments or behaviour are also pretty common after a stroke, it can be like the filter is gone.

Mynameis- thank you for your comment- your df sounds very similar to fil. It IS exhausting.

trying to restrain myself from going to visit him and give him some home truths

It may seem like he's loving all the fuss, but he may be resisting 'getting better' because he's afraid of being at home in case he has another stroke and hasn't got medical attention standing by. As an adult,it's his prerogative if he wishes to refuse medical treatment, but he can't expect sympathy in that case. Whatever his reasons, I'd say it's time for your DH to back off a little and cut down his visits to once during mid-week, saying he's finding it too stressful and his work is suffering. Maybe you could all go together on a weekend day, and keep it a short visit, but don't have a go at him. He must make his own choices, and you must make yours.

Emily ly - I think that’s exactly it- he’s scared of what happens when he’s ‘home’.

But dh has been pushed to the brink. He needs to back off for his own sanity, if nothing else

Your dh needs to cut down the visits. Immediately.

I also have to add... dh is paranoid about how it’ll ‘look’ if he doesn’t visit him every week day.
Ive put my foot down and said he’s done enough. Apparently, he’s had some... ‘attitude’ from his dads wife.
He shouldn’t be guilt triped into visiting when is dad is capable of helping himself

Visiting every weekday is absolutely crazy. It’s giving others an excuse NOT to go as they know he’s doing it, and it’s impacting on your family life.

Maybe if he gets less attention he will be more inclined to go home.

You need to learn some key info about serious illness and stroke in particular.

It can change a persons personality including reducing inhibitions. It's not unusual for patients recovering from stroke to act inappropriately sexually, comment similarly or just otherwise act out of character OR a heightened version of precious character. My granpa became more emotional. A very stoic WWII veteran he started crying at adverts that were "cute" etc

If it was a bad stroke it WILL take a long time to recover whether he does the rehab or not. 4 months isn't that long actually.

He'll have had a HELL of a fright which many older people react to by regressing psychologically to a more infantile state. Very common.

If the stroke caused him to fall (my granpa was on holiday and fell down some stone steps in Greece) and therefore sustain injuries/painful bruising that will make him nervous of the physio - hell just of standing up!

"Other people on his ward" every patient is different - and actually I'll bet at least one of them pushed too hard and overdid it and relapses.

If he's been left disabled as a result that's a hell of a thing to adjust to too.

His wife and son will have had a hell of a fright too - don't be dismissive of their fears.

If your bil tried to bully/goad fil into doing physio that's not helpful and I'm not surprised he's been told to bog off!

Your dh can compassionately and gradually reduce the visits if he wishes. If he wants to know how to support and encourage fil to do the physio ask the nurses how - they've seen it all before. Perhaps ask the hospital if he's been referred for counselling to address his (fil) fears. Is his mother being properly supported? Are his parents scared if he does the physio he'll be sent home "too soon" and they won't cope? To that end have they been referred do occ therapy and social care?

I get you're frustrated but you also seem to lack info that could easily have been found googling

Hopefully helpful links

www.stroke.org.uk/finding-support

www.saebo.com/support-loved-one-stroke/

Oooh. I have a FIL the same.

He is at home tho... Worse thing is that his wife really is poorly and i look after her 24 hours a day at home... He just makes things worse, he actually classes himself as disabled where infact, he just doesnt try,n doesnt make an effort. Doesnt do physio or excises and i think he wants to be ill so i can do everything for him

A tricky situation.
Can he say to his dad - great you're improving so much. I need to cut down visits... How about when I come in we walk around hospital garden / meet in the hospital coffee shop... /go for a walk...

I was. In hospital several months... I was determined to get better... Couldn't stand being 'visited' in bed... So I would arrange to meet one pal in coffee shop /one in hospital garden etc etc

dotnt know if this helps but read it anyway News
70 days to end pyjama paralysis
5 March 2018
Nursing, midwifery and care
www.bmj.com/content/357/bmj.j2096

www.england.nhs.uk/2018/03/70-days-to-end-pyjama-paralysis/

((((((((Hugs))))))

Perhaps dh needs to cut back to once a week visit. It could be all the extra attention is ensuring FIL stays just where he is!

A weekly hour visit is plenty now he is better.

I would not get involved in a conversation with FIL about this, it could end badly and there are others around him that can deal with this. Once it is not affecting your life so much you may not feel so angry about it.

Dh needs to come home as usual and visit together once a week.

A once a week visit in this situation is more than enough.

In fact could you all go together on a weekend for an hour on the way to somewhere and say ‘what a shame you can’t join us’ as you happily leave, might be a good reminder to him he has a life waiting for him.

Yes he’ll be shook up by what’s happened but the longer he stays the harder it will be to leave. I think a little tough love is needed now.

I was going to say it's his father, don't be unreasonable but having read your post it's ridiculous that your DH is going in every day; you and your child should be the priority for 6 days of the week and he can go in one evening a week. He'll be doing his father a disservice if he carries on enabling this 'poor me' behaviour.