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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me? Emotional abuse related.

18 replies

Luckybirdpoo · 28/04/2018 22:07

I seem to be enagaged to man capable of emotional abuse and I don't know how I got here?

I'm starting to think it's me with big issues. I'm thinking my relationships are always tricky and it must be me?

He's been married before and his ex accused him of this but I laughed it off!! How stupid I am.

We've been together for just over three years and are due to marry soon. He has two children and almost from day 1 I've contributed to all of the costs associated with their visits (except his maintenance). We split meals out, cinema tickets, food shopping, everything 50/50. I've never had a problem with this, I'm more comfortable with it this way. When it's just us the same applies, we split everything.

He has a large pot of savings that he was left when his dad died. It's dwindling down as he likes to buy nice things for himself, a new car and I got a lovely diamond engagement ring. We agreed he would pay for the wedding costs and I would pay him back my half. I earn good money so can probably pay back over a year, so he won't be waiting long for it.

Tonight he's accused me of being a freeloader!! He said i begrudge him buying stuff for himself (I joked that his latest purchase didn't mean we didn't have wedding funds - it was very light hearted). He said he feels like the bank of "bob"!

Alongside this he gets super angry about really silly minor things. He's lovely if everything is going his way but cruel and very uncaring when it's not!

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 28/04/2018 22:09

Read your post as if it were written to you by your best friend and reply with however you would advise her.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/04/2018 22:09

Get out before you're tied to him.

Smoothyloopy · 28/04/2018 22:10

Are you sure you want to marry this man? I'd be backing out the door & closing it behind me!

cochineal7 · 28/04/2018 22:12

I think you know the answer. This is not how you are supposed to feel before you marry. Trust your instincts.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/04/2018 22:12

You are either going to leave him or end up posting for advice for the next decade until you eventually leave him. Please just miss out the middle bit and leave him.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/04/2018 22:14

Think you have your answer!

I would save yourself a lot of heartache and avoid this man

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/04/2018 22:24

Alongside this he gets super angry about really silly minor things. He's lovely if everything is going his way but cruel and very uncaring when it's not!
This has me concerned the most. Leave now!

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/04/2018 22:26

Don't blame yourself, you don't have issues, you're just learning about relationships. An emotional abuser can be very charming, and feel solid and reliable - indeed they may view themselves as "protecting" you - so can be difficult to recognise. And your views on relationships will be shaped by the relationships you saw around you when you were growing up. You've done well to recognise the problems so early.

PaintedHorizons · 29/04/2018 01:05

Leave him before you get marrried and can't get out so easily.

You pay for half his children's stays and yet he does not want to be generous with you. The cruelty if it doesn't go his way will only get worse. Leave while you are free and strong

Gilead · 29/04/2018 01:20

run, far and fast!

Crispbutty · 29/04/2018 01:23

Are you with my ex husband? If so good luck! You will need it.

Seriously though.. men like this are controlling because they think they can get away with it. It’s a power game and once you are married it will get worse. Escape now while it’s easier.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 29/04/2018 01:49

I’m going to echo PP’s.

You could be talking about my ex. Spoiler alert: didn’t end well.

Seriously look at what you’ve written and imagine you’re reading someone else’s situation. What advice would you give that person?

tinkael · 29/04/2018 01:58

urgh please don't marry this "man" you deserve a lot better

Uniglo18 · 29/04/2018 05:35

Return the ring, escape and make a donation to a women's refuge and thank your lucky stars.

If you need further help to make up your mind, read the relationships board.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/04/2018 05:46

Cancel the wedding. Don’t return the ring. Sell it to recoup the cost of subsidising his children. Once you’re an established family I think it’s fine to pay for step children but I don’t think he should have allowed it in the early days.

thebewilderness · 29/04/2018 05:56

It gets worse after they lock you in to debt to them and marriage.
Get out while you can do it with minimum damage.

Jux · 30/04/2018 18:36

Please just run and don't look back.

It would be so sad to see you married to him and for you to then return here in 5 years' time......

Your future can - and will be - much brighter without him in it.

ferriswheel · 30/04/2018 19:23

Yip. You could be with my stbxh too. Your man is getting warmed up. Give it another six months and youll be crying when you post for advice on the relationships forum.

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