To ask "for a friend" how often your parents bother with your kids?

[mmmmmmmm]

Have a difficult time with mine. They visit our house (when asked to) on Christmas and birthdays which seem like a chore but not other than this.

There's an agreement in place while I'm at uni that they will have the kids one night per week (for 2 hours) to enable me to do this. It's not actually very helpful in that it causes more stress than it eases. I hate picking the kids up because they either ignore me completely, make a big fuss that I'm there again like I'm in the way and pretty much throw me out like kids coats on time to go, or make a huge deal about how naughty he kids have been infront of them (I have amazing kids, they aren't naughty, they could just deal with them for 2 hours surely?)

Well I've pretty much hit my limit with it now of what I can take mentally. I have two young kids and a disability that makes mobility and going to the toilet very difficult amongst other things. It's very serious. I work full time and I'm at uni with little support. I have nobody to help me with my own things which is fine but my mum will regularly tell me I've got to go and pick her up from work or drop her off to work or take her to the supermarket which I've never begrudged but don't have the time for when while I'm doing these things for her she's so rude and nasty to me. She never visits our house or the kids, repays the favour by getting my shopping or running me to the shops. Today she had me do an errand for her that involved lifting a heavy box to take to one of her friends houses. I'm not well, I then needed to go shopping and collapsed in the shop because I've overdone it so much but I had to come home with the kids and sort the washing and everything else and get them to bed so I can get my essays done tonight. I'm exhausted and she's so rude. Are other people's parents actually supportive because she seems to think she warrants mum of the year for 2 hours a week with the kids and being rude and nasty to me the rest of the time. She can't look at me without something shitty to say to me. I just feel like I can't take it much longer but I don't have anybody else to watch the kids while I'm at uni

That really doesnt sound like its on tbh. We are extremely lucky in that we have both families nearby who are only too happy to help. I feel guilty asking but they genuinely seem to love spending time with dd so no id say that attitude is wrong. Some people just arent that into children....?

Id really look for ways to stay away from your mum tbh- it really does sound like its more hassle than its worth. How old are dc? Do they have any friends that they could go to for those 2 hours a week? What about speaking to your tutors? Are they able to come with you and sit at the back reading/watching something?

You really do sound like youre doing a great job and you neither need or deserve to be made to feel bad because you are trying to better yourself.

Where is your partner?

my parents were not very helpful or hands on.

But what you have described is awful. I think you should give up on them having them those 2 hours, then start looking after yourself by not having them in your life so much. you will have more free time not running around after them and not having to listening to such nasty twats, will probably help your self esteem and mental health no end.

My parents try to make the effort to see my DD once every 2 months, but to be honest my expectations were never high to begin with.

My in laws made lots of promises about how they would always be available and would see DD weekly and they would help us out whenever we needed it. A year later and i'm still waiting for their help and support. When we try to arrange for them to see DD they are normally busy with one thing or another, usually one of the other grandchildren who see them multiple times a week (we do offer to go to their house). They see my DD maybe once or twice a month. My MIL was supposed to provide childcare for when I go back to work, but my DD has now started nursery

I think it may be a case of familiarity breeding contempt.

How old are the children? What about their father? Other grandparents?

First things first, get a babysitter for the two hours you are away at university. This will give you more power to say 'No - I can't help today, I'm too busy'. Right now you are taking the kids to her and she (your mother) is not seeing it as quality time with her grandkids but as leverage to get you to do her bidding. If you stop the babysitting, only then will you get the true measure of how much she (they) really want to see the children and you. Let them miss you and the kids.

The heavy lifting for her friend sounds bizzare. Is she aware of the extent of your disability? Why isn't she taking it seriously? You should have refused. You owe it to yourself and your children to take care of yourself. Heavy lifting to the point you pass out later is madness - your life seems every stressful OP but I fear you parents are adding to it. Get a baby sitter for the uni hours and learn to say 'NO - I am busy today'.

Good luck OP.

My parents don't bother with my kids at all. They always tell me how they wish they saw the kids more but I offer all the time to bring them down to visit and they can never give me a date that suits them. I feel really sad for my children because they really don't bother. I've lost count of the times my mum promised to take them and then backs out. My mum does have a lot of mental health problems though. I've just accepted that it's how they are.

We get no help really. A few hours a year perhaps. It's hard, very hard.

But at least we don't have to deal with what you are. She sounds like hard work.

No help at all ever.
Still expect to receive help however.
It’s difficult because you feel obligated to help but actually because they are so nasty, they don’t deserve it .... and you know it.

My 'mother' isn't around, my dad sees us a handful of times a year and never asks about the kids, usually talks about my sister and how bloody wonderful she is, DH's dad is dead and MIL is a shit Nan. She sees DCs and DH when she whines they haven't been over. But she has never done anything for us as she is pretty selfish really.

Both are families are not horrible or abusive but they are a bit crap all round. The only great ones are my GPs but they are really getting on now.

Oh and MIL is the type that will expect help as she gets older. She ain't gonna get it. She made her priorities quite clear years ago so she cannot expect anything from us when she needs it. My dad wouldn't expect anything.

You're right I really do feel obligated and push myself as hard as I possibly can to fit her running around in. She drives and has no younger children it's just a case of laziness and I'm trying to balance everything to get us in a better situation (currently renting but hoping will be able to buy after uni), I'm in my third year and I'm just exhausted that I can never put myself first and that I always end up so stressed because my deadlines are my last priority. I don't think it helps that I reached my third year at uni in my youth and then had to stop due to having surgery for my disability and so many injuries. The effect she is having on my mental and physical health is beyond draining, she plummets my self esteem and I just don't want to do it anymore she's so nasty. Sometimes it feels like everywhere I look people have lovely supportive parents that actually love them but at least I'm not alone in dealing with it all by myself.

Mine don't have at all to do with GC and it's sad. I reminisced on the post about parents helping their siblings, about how when we were growing up we were either at one GP or the others or out somewhere. We should stay over at weekends, in fact I know one GP picked us up from school and did child care if necessary.

My Mother didn't work, she just put herself and her needs first, as a young Mum, or to go further as younger parents, they weren't going to let 2 children get in the way of their social lives.

I think it has been instrumental in how things are with my ex as we parented 24/7 - 365 days a year. Apart from working then we had to pay for nurseries. The one time we wanted to go, it was the first time in so long, we had tickets to see a group we liked, my Mother pulled out at the last minute. She had no reason, I don't believe she was doing anything, they loved the phrase, you enjoyed, you look after, which is rubbish as I had fertility treatment, there's nothing enjoyable about being infertile.

I've had the same when I've had to pick up the children, on the odd occasion they've been looked after for a few hours after school, as soon as I pull up the children are there with Grandparent in tow, ushering them into the car. The cup of tea I was gasping for would have to wait.

The saddest thing is they feel totally justified, people will come on here saying why should we have to provide free childcare? Maybe because you did bugger all parenting yourselves. There was the whole community spirit thing where you'd go round your mates parents, or one of your parents friends, playing with children of all ages.

You could say well you lot choose to chat via social media instead of in person. But life isn't the same as it used to be. You see threads on here about CF as a friend with children overstayed their welcome. Oh no the OP had to make 2 more sandwiches and a brew for Mum. That was standard stuff when we were young, you were round somewhere near tea, quite often you'd be invited to stay.

I think you're best off NC as they sound more trouble than they're worth, they really do. It's their loss not yours. I'm NC with my Mother who has me blocked on FB but she'll still post something gushing on my birthday, just so her friends can say, you don't look old enough to have a DC that old No other reason.