To not send a birthday card to sister

[Bollockstoyou]

I have a bit of an up and down relationship with my sister, she's a very jealous person and she started becoming more and more distant. I'm getting married this year and she seems to of pulled away even more, she's not coming to my wedding I don't know why, she just sent a decline card, said she was going on holiday. My dd particularly is upset as my niece is not coming either. I did tell her I was disappointed and felt let down as both our parents are deceased too, so I have 2 cousins coming and that is it family wise.
I see how other sisters have been involved with planning their sisters wedding, hen parties etc. Been involved etc I even wanted her to be witness. Mine hasn't done anything not even asked how anything is going or spoken to my dcs. I really feel let down by her, she is 10 years older than me and since mum has gone I did kind of look up to her but she's just abandoned me. I know she's not particularly happy with her life, but that's not my fault and there's been times that I've been in a low place and she's been in a good place I was still there for her and kept in touch. I don't get it.

Her birthday is coming up in the next month, we've never missed each other's birthdays but I feel so annoyed and let down by her I don't want to acknowledge it but dp thinks I should be the bigger person and send a card and a small present from me and the kids. I feel too annoyed but should I bother would you?

Not sending a card won't achieve anything and even if you feel it's justified will be perceived as petty. If you've taken the time to post I suspect you care enough to not want to be seen that way. If your relationship deteriorates further you can always not send one next year.

Not going to your wedding seems to me a big statement that she doesn't want to be part of your life at the moment. You say she is jealous and not very happy - definitely not your fault but presumably your happiness is making her jealousy worse so she is removing herself from the situation.

Sending/not sending a card probably won't make much difference to her, it depends how much it will play on your mind if you don't.

OP, i feel for you, I really do.

And congrats on your wedding.

Ignore this if you want, but I'd gently suggest that NOT sending her a card would inflame the situation, and turn it into a tit-for-tat.

Sending her one (a) makes you the bigger person and (b) de-escalates a little. Plus (c) helps keep the door open for if she wants to come back.

But up to you.

I’m sorry you feel let down by your sister OP. It’s upsetting when someone isn’t making an effort to be in your life.
I think you have to do what makes you happy, go with your gut.

I'd send a card, but include a letter telling her how you feel. You've got nothing to lose if you open up with her, and you never know, she might take it on board.

Maybe I should, I suppose there is something inside me that says I should but I just feel I don't want to lol. I've tried the sending a letter and holding out an olive branch I still got ignored, so I don't feel like doing that again, I really feel the ball is in her court.
Maybe I should just send something from the kids?

I know it's petty but I'm so hurt I suppose, it's difficult to explain!!!

Is it acceptable to just send something from the kids? I feel too hurt atm

@KeepServingTheDrinks advice is really good.

Just send a card from your family. No grand gesture. And leave it at that.

You do the right thing and then focus on your wedding and family.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding: I'm sorry your sister isn't able to be supportive, I would be very hurt too.

I would send a very simple/plain card just singing all your names/no comment. Then put it out of your head. I might be wrong, but I suspect if you don't send a card a) it will play on your mind in the run up/weeks after the birthday: is she cross with you/has she noticed etc b) it will remove the 'moral high ground' which you hopefully have at the moment of having tried to be the bigger person c) it gives her an excuse to ignore you going forward as 'you started it'

Write card, seal it, post it, forget it and enjoy planning your wedding.

Do you have any other siblings? Is your sister married ? does she have children? did the burden of care for your mother fall to her? Was she pushed out when you came along? Or did she have her childhood curtailed to look after you? All these things cause resentment. None of which are your fault but for her, she very well may see you as an usurper for your mothers affections?