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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to call the police?

46 replies

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 13:55

I've namechanged as this is extremely outing. I have a close friend who has been seeing someone on and off for about 6 months. It is toxic and he is abusive. Some examples of his behaviour include "giving" her to his friend, blackmailing her with videos he took of them having sex without her consent, freaking out and trashing her flat and searching her belongings, searching her mouth, checking her vagina for evidence she has been with other men and the list goes on. He takes a lot of cocaine and has got her doing it as well which is another massive worry.
I've had her call me scared before when she was with him cos he was freaking out and I've told her to come to mine but she never does.
I am a single mum and asked her a few weeks ago for a favour for her to pick my son up from the childminder after work so i could go to a co-workers leaving drinks. The plan was i would come back and we would have drinks. But she went to pick him up (he lives an hour away and lost his license) before picking DS up and was 2 hours late (i was mortified when i found out). She left this guy at her flat and came to mine with DS, she then started badgering me to get back cos she was tired and had to leave. I said i thought we were doing drinks and she says she is too tired. She eventually admitted he was at hers freaking out cos he didnt believe she was with at mine and he was trashing the place. I get back and she goes home. An hour later she called but when i answered it was him so i hung up. This happened a few times then he called and they were arguining then I heard her screaming.
My friend who has been on a few dates with her text me asking of she was ok cos he had just had the same thing (he goes through her phone and obviously was going mental about this other guy). I kept trying to call her back and he wouldn't answer so i sent messages saying to let me talk to her or i would call the police. He saw the messages (2 blue ticks on whatsapp) And still dropped the calls. I was totally freaked out and called 101, because I heard screaming it was classed as an emergancy and they went straight over.
Next thing I know the police are at my door with her. They tried to talk some sense into her then left. She was ok but shaken up and said she was glad i called them cos he wouldn't let her have her phone back and she just said she needed to get out of there.
He and his friend still at the flat so she insisted on getting a taxi back. I barely slept a wink and I'm at breaking point with the stress of their relationship.
I'm now really anxious that i wasted police time and I'm also terrified in case he gets my address and tries to hurt me or DS.
Was I U to call police? I'm going round and round in my head wondering if I overreacted.
I know i cant do anything more for her until she is willing to help herself but my tolerance for this friendship is almost at its limit. I need her to have a friend she can trust right now but I'm also furious with her for not picking up DS when she said she would and for lying to me. I feel like i need to take a step back and that I'm feeding into her drama but if he hurts her I will feel like i should have done more.
Sorry this is so long, I don't want to drop feed. Any advice would be really helpful

OP posts:

WishingOnABar · 28/04/2018 13:59

You were not unreasonable, but she really needs to get out of this relationship. Also do not let her look after your son again, you cant trust that she will not allow this man access and he sounds dangerous.

Original poster

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 14:01

Absolutely agree, she won't be trusted with him again. I just don't know how I can help her. She says she knows it needs to end but she has feelings for him. I feel like things are going to get worse before they get better but i also cant cope with the constant stress of worrying or him harassing me with calls and things.

OP posts:

MoonFacesMum · 28/04/2018 14:02

Ywnbu in calling the police. What other choice did you have? He was going crazy and your friend was screaming. You couldn’t rescue her and put yourself in danger. You did the right thing.

I’m confused though, is your friend back with him now? Do you think you can convince her to ltb?

WishingOnABar · 28/04/2018 14:03

She should contact Womens aid, they will be able to offer advice. But she also needs to want to leave, which it doesnt sound like she does at present.

MoonFacesMum · 28/04/2018 14:04

Just saw update. How would you feel about telling your friend you love her and are frightened for her but you can’t stand by and watch her destroy herself in this relationship and you’ll have to distance yourself. Might be enough to make her see this is serious?

Original poster

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 14:07

She went back to her flat to him and said she will make him leave today but i dont believe that she will.
I might send her the details for women's aid, at least if she is serious when she says she knows she needs to end it she has a professional to advise her. She just wont listen to us, she just goes back to him every single weekend. I feel it's going to take him reallt hurting her to make her see sense but i can't just sit around waiting for that to happen and its making me go crazy thinking about it all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 14:09

moonface you articulate it really well i think i need to say something along those lines. I dont even feel I can text her until Monday when he is gone in case he has taken her phone again.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 14:09

Ywnbu, he sounds extremely dangerous.

I’m surprised the police didn’t remove him from her flat because surely they know she has to go back there.

Just be there for her, she will need you at some point soon. If he doesn’t kill her :(

Original poster

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 14:12

I think she offered to go in case the police found his drugs

OP posts:

Mightymucks · 28/04/2018 14:13

Under the circumstances YWNBU.

But your first priority is yourself and your son. You should NEVER leave your child in the care of someone who uses drugs and YBVU to do that.

The problem with people like her boyfriend is they have very diffuse anger and you don’t want to be sucked into that. Particularly not when you have a child who needs to be kept safe.

Tell your friend that you care about her and if the relationship ends then to get in contact and you will support her. Then cut off contact with her altogether until that happens.

Your son is your priority and he should not have people like this in his life.

ShmooBooMoo · 28/04/2018 14:21

Sounds unhinged enough to end up killing her I don't know what to suggest but I feel for her and you. Maybe you should get advice from a DV charity?
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn-fNvIfd2gIVTbTtCh23Eg_wEAAYASAAEgJ81vD_BwE

Viviennemary · 28/04/2018 14:22

You need to take a step back from this woman until she sorts herself out and do not let her look after your DS again.

ShmooBooMoo · 28/04/2018 14:22

I see you've already mentioned women's aid. Their number is freephone and 24/7 which is good.

ShmooBooMoo · 28/04/2018 14:24

If you help her in any way, please make sure he does not know where you live.

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 14:26

I’ve been in a relationship with someone this crazy. Not quite as bad but I’ve a feeling that it would have got to that. I do feel sorry for her. She has to get rid of him but now he’s in her place it’s not going to be easy.

I owned my house, he lived with me. I got a transfer with my job, (from Manchester to London) gradually moved a few bits out without him knowing, then left and rang him when I was 250 miles away and safe and told him I was never going back. I lost the house, I lost everything that was in it, but I was alive, which I doubt I would have been if I had stayed.

She really needs to get away from him.

Mightymucks · 28/04/2018 14:28

If you help her in any way, please make sure he does not know where you live.

This. I read the story about ‘Hot Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Dad’s murder conviction (for a woman he thought was hiding his ex) and that was actually the first thing I thought when I read this.

I would get some extra security like a London Bar and an anti arson letterbox if I were you.

NekoShiro · 28/04/2018 14:28

I wouldn't suggest cutting off contact, that just helps her abuser, she gets isolated and he's her only support so its even harder for her to leave then, someone did this to me while I was in an abusive relationship and honestly I've never forgiven her, I understand why she did it but she abandoned me in the toughest part of my life.

You did the right thing calling the police, don't feel like you wasted their time. I know it's upsetting but just try to be friendly with her, keep reminding her that she deserves better because for every time that you tell her that he's filling her head with self doubt and lies as soon as she's with him, her heads probably completely messed up and she isn't thinking clearly so you need to think clearly for her. You can't force her to leave him even though its obviously for the best, she's just gotta hit a point where she draws her own line in the sand and realises enough is enough. For me it was when he hurt me badly enough that I was covered in blood from a broken nose, it was like a flip switched.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2018 14:34

You did the right thing, honestly you did.
But she has to make the moves to leave - it's like getting an alcoholic to stop drinking, they have to WANT to before they will. Same here.
I hope she manages to get it together before he really hurts her :( - sending her the info will at least give her the tools to use when she decides enough is enough, but may also cause her to back away from you.

I'm so sorry you're having this secondary stress as a result of knowing her and being her friend. You're a good friend, but you can't do much more until she chooses to.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2018 14:35

Cut contact.protect yourself your own child.its not your role to save her
You’ve alerted police,made her aware of statutory agencies and Women Aid
If you maintain contact you expose yourself and your child to risk. Risk from unsavoury people

hungryhippo90 · 28/04/2018 14:36

I don’t think you should cut contact, she will need you, however I don’t think you should allow her to take care of your DC. She doesn’t seem to be making very good decisions.

He sounds dangerous. As PP have said, do look into what can protect you more should he turn up at your door.

Juells · 28/04/2018 14:36

I wouldn't email or text her anything like the Woman's Aid number. He'll go through her messages, see that, say you're an interfering bitch, and get your address from her. Talk to her on the phone, but no text or email advice. You have to protect your son from him, your friend is an adult and is making her own choices.

Rudi44 · 28/04/2018 14:36

You sound like a one in a million friend, she is lucky to have you. You were right to call the police. He sounds dangerous, I am sure you have figured this out for yourself by now but I wouldn't suggest she babysits your DC again until she is in a better situation

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2018 14:42

As understandable as wanting to intervene is,op needs to prioritise her & child own safety
Cut contact don’t try to heroically make an intervention, don’t escalate your own risk
You already have an idea of his behaviour and violence, it’s not up to you to save her
I know people will find that unpalatable, but simply op doesn’t have the resources,skills,powers to sort this. And attempting interventions or getting embroiled in this is potentially risky
Prioritise yourself,your own child. Do not allow her access to your child
Police have been informed

rollingonariver · 28/04/2018 14:42

Stay safe op. If you have to break off the friendship to protect yourself then do.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/04/2018 14:44

I agree with the last few comments. You're a single mother of a young child. If this guy realizes you are his girlfriends' best chance of getting away from him he could come after you. In your place I would tell her to contact Women's Aid if she is truly serious about saving herself, but that I could no longer get involved.

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