To be terrified of leaving after abuse- child contact

[user1499434529]

Hi everyone, I am really scared of leaving and do not know what to do next.
My husband's abuse escalated from EA, manipulation and he became physically abusive. After this has happened I finally had a sudden realisation that I cannot continue like this. I spoke to the police (without him knowing) for advice, took photos of bruising and kept the ripped clothing. I didn't want to have him arrested because of the children, I was scared and all over the place. I thought it would change but he believes he did nothing wrong as he thought I was cheating (was definitely not!) because I wasn't giving him as much attention after starting my new job (he said my underwear was too sexy for work, hence why he ripped my bra and punched me in the back in the process), grabbing me and pinning me, bruising arms and thigh. I am struggling with it all, emotionally I am a mess and don't know what to do, how to leave safely. He keeps saying if I leave him he won't let me take the kids and I keep having nightmares about it. I know I should leave with them and I want to get away but how do I arrange contact for my 2 DSs (6 and 4)? He works 4 on 4 days off and so it changes every week. How did you arrange child contact with a parent that doesn't want to agree and has been manipulating and EA?
I am so scared he will keep them from me I have stayed even through I know I need to escape the abuse.
Thank you for reading and for any advice

Gosh you poor thing. I think I would call women’s aid for advice on how to leave safely and what to do wrt contact.

firstly, you shouldn't be thinking about contact right now, you need to get out first then contact can be managed through a court.
I would call womans aid as they will help you get out of the situation.

Of course he wont change because its just his personality its who he is, people cant just change who they are and abusers hardly ever think they are in the wrong and will use any excuse too abuse you.

Also if he doesn't agree to the contact arrangements then he can go to court for it , either way i would prefer to have no contact with my dad than have an abusive one.

If you have disclosed abuse to the police, SS will be called, and can take serious action against you if you do not want to leave him. I am sorry to scare you in your distressed state, but this is a fact. I know you just want all of this to go away, but you do need to leave him. There is alot of help out there, maybe contact Women's Aid first, and check what benefits you are entitled to. You could be moved to a refuge immediately, so pack your most important documents and keep a copy of anything such as mortgage information. I'm sorry I don't know much about this, all the best, huge hugs and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You and your children will be happier and safer without him.

You've done the right thing going to the police. I think you just have to believe that you will come out on top of this and not let doubt about 'what if he does X or Y' creep in. Part of the evil of abuse is making you feel like you can't win, that the abuser is stronger and everyone will believe them and not you, but that's not true.

And don't even worry about contact after the event. If and when he sees the kids is HIS problem that he has brought on himself for abusing you.

You've done nothing wrong, he has done the wrong here and there are people to support and believe you. There is not justification for violence and false accusations. It will be hard and frightening to leave, but you will win.

Sod contact, just get out!

What he does to you he will do to your children. You have to leave now. Contact: 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247

He has committed a crime. The only person responsible for him getting arrested is himself. You didn't do this to him. He is responsible. Please go to the police and report him after you and your children are safe.

Just get you and your kids out of there, call Women’s Aid for advice, and I would really seriously consider pressing charges as, not only does he deserve it but it will give you and the kids a certain amount of protection when it comes to court proceedings regarding the children. I would also see a solicitor ASAP to discuss what can be done about applying for some sort of order (I think it’s a Prohibitive Steps Order) to stop him from taking the children - from school or after any visitation for example.

He is physically and emotionally abusing you - that is no environment for you or your children.

You might find this useful.

My worry would be that the husband will be entitled to unsupervised contact, which he may not have at present as OP is probably always there? If OP has left so he's unable to be violent to her any more, it's possible he may start taking it out on the children instead. The situation needs to be very closely monitored by social services.

Which is why she should report him Flutist - so the likelihood of that happening is lessened. Staying with him is not the answer.