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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect him to put his kids first

13 replies

amy85 · 28/04/2018 09:53

Aibu to expect my ex to make plans to have the kids on his day off before making plans with his new girlfriend??

His days off this week are Tuesday and Friday and he's just texted saying he will have them Wednesday night...which is great he wants them but he is working until 5 so won't have them until 6 whereas on Tuesday he could pick them up from school and have them from 3:10 and spend a good few hours with them...this isn't the first time he's done this either

Background - just before Christmas he changed jobs from a mon-fri job to one in retail...now works every weekend and his shifts change every week so we can't have set arrangements.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 10:05

Surely he should having them more frequently than that, at least EOW, whether he's working or not. He can make and pay for childcare cover for actual working hours just like you would have to do.

Doesn't sound like a committed father.

Mousefunky · 28/04/2018 10:07

If he doesn’t work weekends, why isn’t he having them at the weekend?

Mousefunky · 28/04/2018 10:08

Sorry, I read the bottom part wrong Blush.

He should be having them as much as he can on his days off. YANBU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2018 10:10

He does work weekends.

Shifts is no reason to not have a proper schedule for contact. You, your DC and your ex need to know what’s going to happen week in week out. Children benefit from routine.

I wouldn’t get hung up on what he does in his spare time, focus on how between you you can best arrange a regular pattern of contact. Loads of parents work in retail and have to be able to plan childcare.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 28/04/2018 11:04

Do you know it's because he's made plans with his new girlfriend or is that what you're speculating?
It must be hard for you both trying to arrange contact around an ever changing work schedule, but I would think about your DC and then try and maintain regular contact even if it isn't what you necessarily want.
We found this difficult when DP worked away, but he had to do this to pay maintenance and support a family when I was on maternity leave. Of course, his ex made life difficult, wouldn't do anything to help contact, withdrew it when she wasn't getting her own way and it's affected his relationship with his children.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/04/2018 11:56

It's because now he is a free man with a girlfriend he can do as he wants. He doesn't want the kids spoiling his free time. If he picked them up from school you would get a free day and he doesn't want you to benefit either.

Original poster
amy85 · 28/04/2018 12:21

He tells me he has already made plans and then come his day off his social media will be full of pics of the two of them having fun days out...it's happened a fair few times now

I dont care what he does in his life I'm just fed up of him messing the kids around and seemingly put his life above them

He's very good at making me seem unreasonable so wanted others opinions

OP posts:
Original poster
amy85 · 28/04/2018 12:27

@lifebeginsatgin - you are probably right! He hates the idea of me moving on and having a life....

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/04/2018 12:31

! Would stop.looking at his social.nedia of I were you. He will be the dad he wants to be so I'd concentrate on being the best parent you can.

AngelsSins · 28/04/2018 13:05

You absolutely can make fixed arrangements! He decided to have a child, so it's his job to be a parent, irrelevant of his work. He has to find childcare, just like you would. His new job is not your problem, you're not his free childcare.

notWithoutFault · 28/04/2018 13:42

I agree with RedHelen.

He's showing you what you can come to expect.

However, I think you're great being flexible with arrangements and don't think that fixing them will benefit anyone. I assume his employment benefits the children.

Do you work? What's the childcare situation. Whilst it could change if he cares less and less, at the moment you're still a team who both need to work out what is the best for your children. That might be flexible times with their Dad.

Original poster
amy85 · 28/04/2018 14:03

I've changed a lot of settings on social media so I hardly see anything he posts and I never go looking...it's just unfortunately last week when he couldn't have the kids on his day off Facebook decided to show me those posts... unfriending him would cause an argument.

I work Monday- Thursday...I have to use a combination of my family and paid childcare to be able to work...

I am overly flexible with him and sometimes feels he takes advantage of this...I know he wouldn't be able to sort childcare out for weekends so that's why I haven't insisted he still has them every other weekend...he is supposed to pay maintenance but this amount varies I often have to chase him for it and some months I get nothing

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/04/2018 18:54

Definitely get the maintenance.

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