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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have been surprised the doctor didn't want to speak to dd alone?

25 replies

Sadik · 27/04/2018 21:40

Not in a bad way, just I was a bit surprised. 16 y/o dd went to the doctors to ask about something to help with painful periods, and was discussing the options for going on the pill.

She asked me to go in with her, so I did - but I was fully expecting the doctor to want to speak to her alone, and was a bit startled when she was asked questions about smoking / sexual activity etc with me present. So I guess AIBU to wonder how reliably 16 y/os will give honest answers about such things with their mums present . . .

OP posts:

Celticlassie · 27/04/2018 21:42

I suppose because she wanted you in with her, the doctor assumed she was happy discussing all relevant issues in front of you.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2018 21:42

I agree - the doctor should have spoken to her alone. There could be all sorts of things that she wanted to talk to the doctor about privately.

Original poster

Sadik · 27/04/2018 21:45

My thought was that the doctor didn't know that, though Celticlassie, we just went in together.

OP posts:

Bunchofdaffodils · 27/04/2018 21:49

When my similarly aged daughter had some gynae surgery the consultant asked if she was happy to have me there for the discussion post-op. She said Yes. But I was still asked to step out at the end for a moment in case she had any questions, which I thought was sensible.
I know if I had been asked at that age if I was happy for my mum to be present I would have said yes but would NOT then have been able to speak freely. The doc should def have asked you to step out for a moment.

Lidlfix · 27/04/2018 21:51

When I accompanied DD3 to GP for the same issue but aged 15 GP asked her if she was happy to answer personal questions with me present . Asked about sexual activity etc when poor wee spud is still awaiting (with much anticipation) her first snog.

LizzieSiddal · 27/04/2018 21:53

I’ve been with Teenage DD many times when she’s with a Dr and I’ve never been asked to leave.

Dd has obviously always wanted me to be with her but you’re right OP, the Dr didn’t know that.

Merryoldgoat · 27/04/2018 21:53

I would’ve happily answered those questions with my mother present at 16.

I would imagine doctors get a good feel quite quickly and if she felt like DD was being cagey would’ve asked you to go.

Original poster

Sadik · 27/04/2018 21:58

It's interesting - I remember ex-H being asked to step outside at the end at some pregnancy appts (admittedly a long time ago now ) for a quick 'anything you want to talk about' chat and thinking it was a sensible idea. Having said that, was not in this country, so maybe just different protocol.

OP posts:

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/04/2018 22:05

Is it something to do with safeguarding do you think? I know people in various professional capacities who won't be alone with minors for that reason.

Eveforever · 27/04/2018 22:14

I tell/remind my teenage daughter, in front of the doctor, that I
she can ask me to step out at any time, this works for us, and actually happened at an appointment today. I wouldn't answer those kinds of questions honestly in front of mother now, never mind at the age of 16. I'm surprised the doctor didn't check she was okay to talk in front of you first, as the doctor at my daughter's appointment did today before asking sensitive questions.

RideOn · 27/04/2018 22:19

It's not about safeguarding.

If she came with you, I think they would assume she wanted you to be there, and start from the position of you and her having an open and honest relationship/ that these things can be discussed between parent and 16 year old.

If they were getting cues that there was not an open relationship between you I would expect they would have asked you to leave at the end.
If anything I think it encourages people to talk about these things in a normal open way!

parkermoppy · 27/04/2018 22:29

if she has taken you in to the room with her the doctor has no obligation to ask if she wants to talk in front of you, and surely if she had wanted it private she wouldnt have taken you in? a good thing that shes so open.

i went on the pill at 15 and my mum doesn't know about it til this day

shouldnthavesaid · 27/04/2018 22:34

I had a similar appt at 16 about worries regarding sexuality - there was a student there too, who had gone to same primary school as me. GP booted my mum and the student out thankfully - only been to one or two appointments with her since then!

KirstenRaymonde · 27/04/2018 22:34

I don’t think it should be assumed just because Mum went in in the first place. Mum could be very controlling and have insisted (not saying that’s you OP) I think the doctor should still have asked to speak to DD alone. I’d have said anything in front of my DM at that age though, and indeed did. I’ve always been very open with her, possibly more than she’d have liked at times!

nocoolnamesleft · 27/04/2018 22:36

Best practice would be to offer the young person the chance to speak without you there. Having said that, the GP may well have presumed that if she didn't want you there, you would never have known she was making the appointment. (Whereas hospital appts come to the home address, so more important to try to give an opportunity).

Depressingly, another factor may have been the ludicrously short nationally mandated 10 minute GP appointment slot...most GPs would really like to be able to give longer. And with a little longer, I suspect squeezing in the time to offer to boot out the parent would happen more reliably. (I'm a hospital doctor, I do usually remember to offer, but everyone that says yes tends to double the length of time their appointment takes, and it doesn't take many of those before you start getting abuse from people who had to wait longer for their turn)

lovelypumpkin · 27/04/2018 22:46

Might have been to do with having a chaperone? In any event, I think you should probably should have said something yourself in that situation?

Original poster

Sadik · 27/04/2018 22:46

That all makes a lot of sense nocoolnames - especially the point that she could easily make an appointment without me (surgery is in easy walking distance from our house).

OP posts:

mrsdoglover · 27/04/2018 22:46

I went in for a period related thing at 16 and asked my mum to come with because she could explain it better than me but when the dr wanted to get down to those subjects she asked me if i still wanted my mum in the room before proceeding to ask, I said yes because i had nothing to hide, was just turned 16 and never even fancied a boy nevermind had sex! I think the dr should have asked your DD if she still wanted you present at that point, rather than assume she did. There was one occasion when I was 18 I went with my mum (she drove me there) said she could come in and again the dr asked if i still wanted her present for certain questions and I said no as I didn't want to talk about my sex life in front of her - not because I wouldn't be honest if she was there but I would have felt really awkward talking about my (then quite active) sex life in front of her! My mum didn't mind and I told her the jist afterwards (that I was always safe!) but it turned out I just had glandular fever (after the previous appt where a different dr said I might have some serious genetic problem!) so she forgot about it pretty quickly

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 23:11

The pill is affected by smoking and sexuality is always going to crop up when discussing it.

SO YABU

Mintychoc1 · 27/04/2018 23:13

I’m a GP and when patients come in with family/friends I always assume they’ve brought them because they want them there, regardless of what might be discussed. If a teen brought a parent, I would feel uneasy suggesting that the parent should leave.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2018 23:22

But sometimes you won't get the truth from a patient if their mother is there, Mintychoc. Some mothers will force themselves into their children's private lives and it's your job as a GP to make sure the child feels free to talk to you in private.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/04/2018 23:22

My first thought was that if a teenager brings a parent even into the room that they're happy to have them there, but on reflection it could be that the parent insists on coming with them and to avoid that, it would be good for the doctor to give them the opportunity to talk in confidence.

2rebecca · 27/04/2018 23:28

16 is an adult in Scotland so if a 16 year old chooses to bring their mother in to the surgery with them rather than make an appointment without telling their mother most GPs would presume they wanted them there as they had the option to come alone.
14-15 is more difficult.
If you make a joint decision to go in together and the GP doesn't think she looks dragged along by you then it's unlikely you'd be asked to leave. Loads of people bring other people with them to doctor's appointments

Skittlesandbeer · 27/04/2018 23:57

This thread is making me giggle.

I couldn’t possibly have had my mum in on those dr appointments at that age (or any other).

It would have embarrassed HER so much. She’d have been traumatised for years, and likely have needed sedation. Not that I was participating in very licentious behaviour, she just has her own fantasy world where my role is nothing like my reality (or anyone’s, actually).

I will be very different with my kid.

gillybeanz · 28/04/2018 00:01

At 16 she is considered as an adult to be responsible for determining whether she wants to see the doc on her own or with you present.
It isn't for the doc to decide, it's your dd decision.
She chose for you to go in with her, nothing to do with the doc.

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