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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to take a massive step back from DH’s family

22 replies

wishingiwaslucky47 · 27/04/2018 07:16

I had some plastic surgery done on my face a couple of months ago (I don’t want to say what it was incase I’m outed). Anyway I didn’t tell anyone except my DH, my mum and brother and sister in law (DB’s wife) about it. It’s not a very noticeable change to my face, you would only see it if you looked at 2 pictures of me (before and after) AND if I pointed it out to you. I had seen loads of people and no one has commented on it even my very close friends.

After I got the surgery I remembered I hadn’t told SIL that I didn’t want anyone to know about the surgery and asked her if she had told my other SIL (who is married to DH’s brother) as they are very close. I only wanted to know so that if she had told her and they asked me about t I wouldn’t keep lying. She said she hadn’t said anything?????

Yesterday I saw my other SIL at a family gathering and as soon as I walked in a room she shouted “OMG what has happened to your face, have you got some sort of infection it’s all red and inflamed I think you need to get to the doctor you look a mess”

Now I know my face doesn’t look a mess after this surgery, it’s certainly not all red looking, doesn’t look as if there is an infection and honestly there is no way she can know about the surgery unless she has been told about it.

The reason I didn’t want anyone to know about my surgery is because of DH’s family. They are bitchy, they slag anyone of who has had plastic surgery, they slag anyone who wears makeup, has nice clothes, goes for spa days, goes on long holidays, spends a lot on their homes, basically they are really jealous people and ate to see anyone do well for themselves. I have already taken a step back from some of DH’s family as my dad died last year and they never even acknowledged it or gave me any support and it made me realise that everything needs to revolve around them.

I have since found out my SIL did tell my other SIL about surgery so my SIL who mentioned it at the family gathering I feel was just being really bitchy, so now, they all ave something to talk about and hate that they will be talking about me behind my back.

I want to basically tell them all to fuck off but DH is saying to just ignore them and who cares if they know and it’s not fare on our kids if they don’t see his side of the family (they don’t bother with our kids anyway!!!).

Please excuse the long rant.

OP posts:

lightcola · 27/04/2018 07:29

You know it’s jealousy so rather than feel annoyed/embarrassed by it just pity them. Your face, your money, your life. If you act like you don’t give two hoots what their opinion is they will soon get bored and move on. Don’t let them know they bother you. And as for the lack of support, my I laws are the same. I just tolerate them for my OH sake.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 27/04/2018 08:02

Move on and enjoy your new look.

Don't let what should be a happy time become bogged down in who said what.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 08:11

Next time tell no one, you clearly can't trust either of them.

Original poster

wishingiwaslucky47 · 27/04/2018 08:15

Marthasginyard definetly a lesson learned there. I do think though my brothers wife wouldn’t have said anything if I had said sooner don’t say anything, but it will make me more wary in future.

I think I will be the hot topic of discussion for the next while!

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 08:16

SIL is a bitch and your ILs are nasty for not acknowledging your dad's death.

How are MIL and FIL with you and DC?

If they're fine with the DC, just tell DH that he can take DC to see ILs from now on, and that you won't be going anymore.

And yes, don't tell DB's wife anything, she can't be trusted.

LML83 · 27/04/2018 08:21

Your Sil and the rest sound awful. Try not to react as it will only fuel it.

I would just try and tolerate them for your dh and give them as little headspace as possible. Easier said than done though.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 08:25

Next time you see them wrap bandages around like a mummy with just your eyes poking out

That will give em' something to talk about.

Ghostontoast · 27/04/2018 09:05

With some people, whatever you do they find a way of being nasty about it, especially ILs!

I mentioned to SIL (trained health professional) that I have IBS and it became the IL's family joke, yet I am expected to be empathetic and supportive when they complain about their (often life-style induced) ailments.

For a quiet life I find avoiding them and not telling them anything is best.

Ghostontoast · 27/04/2018 09:07

...and I get slagged off for not wearing makeup and wearing trousers!

Appuskidu · 27/04/2018 09:13

So, your in laws are horrible but tbh, your own family don’t sound any better!

This is YOUR brother’s wife who has been telling members of your husband’s family about your surgery-yes? Despite you specifically asking her not to?!

Chinesecrested · 27/04/2018 09:21

I think when this type of thing happens again (which no doubt it will) you just need to say "there's no need to be so rude. It's very hurtful" and leave it at that. Difficult, i know, to react quickly when we're gobsmacked at such a nasty comment, but you'll be ready for it next time. It might make her put a curb on her tongue

Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 10:20

This is YOUR brother’s wife who has been telling members of your husband’s family about your surgery-yes? Despite you specifically asking her not to?!

No, Appuskidu, OP said she hadn't told her DB's wife not to tell SIL.

Appuskidu · 27/04/2018 10:34

Sorry, my mistake-she hadn’t been asked not to say anything.

However, when you asked her if she’d said anything and she said no (presumably at that point, you actually did ask her not to say anything?) yet she still did?

I suppose my point is, that the OP knows her in laws are a nightmare, yet the person to blame for this, is actually her own family, isn’t it-her brothers wife?

Do you not get along with her? Why would she tell your DH’s family? Does she get along with them better than she does with you?

Original poster

wishingiwaslucky47 · 27/04/2018 11:44

appuskidu if I had told my brothers wife NOT to say anything before then I honestly don’t think she would have said anything she and I are very close and I never thought to say to them I’m not telling anyone ime getting this. I think she has said it in passing but I’m annoyed that she didn’t own up to it in the first place when asked. I’m blaming both of them, but SIL from husbands side was definitely being bitchy.

My in laws are not close to my children, they don’t really bother with them.

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 27/04/2018 12:44

I think she has said it in passing but I’m annoyed that she didn’t own up to it in the first place when asked.

Yes, I’d be annoyed as well. Have you told her that you know it was her and that’s you’re cross?

SunwheretheFareyou · 27/04/2018 16:46

Op, I can't imagine how what level of people wouldn't acknowledge the death of a parent and whilst your comparatively young.

It's ghastly. Not a card if you your shy and don't know what to say, flowers... Eye contact and an I'm sorry..

It's ghastly, fuck em.

SunwheretheFareyou · 27/04/2018 16:50

love Marthas idea.

If they want to be bitchy and cruel.. Give them something meaty to get hold of

Original poster

wishingiwaslucky47 · 27/04/2018 17:41

Thank you everyone for replying. This afternoon I spoke to my brother. He said his wife did tell my other SIL about my surgery. He isn’t happy with his wife, he told her she shouldn’t be tell other people about my business (but I do honestly believe she wasn’t gossiping she just said it in passing) and she should have had the guts to admit she did say something in the first place. I have received a message from his wife apologising.

I now know for sure, my other SIL was just being bitchy when she mentioned about my face and I’m not sure there is anything I can say now as if I had known at the time she knew for sure, I could have said something there and then.

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 27/04/2018 17:58

Ask her if she wants the surgeons contact details, as it's clear she could do with some help

PositivelyPERF · 27/04/2018 18:00

Your Sil has maybe done you a favour, wishingiwaslucky47. At least you’ve reached the point where you can say “fuck them”, and put you and your children first. I hope the surgery has given you the results you were looking for.

Original poster

wishingiwaslucky47 · 27/04/2018 18:17

positively PERF I felt really good after my surgery (once the bruising and swelling went) and I’m not someone who feels good about themselves, but I was so pleased with the results, then bang right back to square one thinking I was ugly etc after what my sister in law said!

OP posts:

PositivelyPERF · 27/04/2018 19:18

then bang right back to square one thinking I was ugly etc after what my sister in law said Think about it. It sounds more like the nasty one was jealous that you looked good and tried to ‘bring you down a peg’. Don’t let that nasty git ruin a positive situation. Look in the mirror, smile and see the difference.

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