Help with out of control 13 year old son

[urgentadviceplease]

Totally beyond my control and the schools. I can't get him him unless he wants to go. The school can't get him in unless he wants to go. He won't engage with any support, intervention or professionals. He's getting bigger and more aggressive - never physically but he intimidates people (including teachers at school). School keep having to exclude him because he is beyond their control. I think they are at a loss and don't know what else to try. He kicks off when you try to give him punishments or put boundaries in place. I don't know what to do next, where to look or what to try? His Dad isn't on the scene.

Do you know why he is so unhappy / angry?

Which interventions and professionals have you tried so far?

Counselling, behaviour therapist? Has he got any interests/hobbies?

Why does he say he doesn't want to go to school? Is unhappy, anxious, worried?
What have the school put in place? How long has this been going on? Any changes,primary to secondary, changes at home? How does he cope with the level of svhoolwork? Any additional support needs? Sorry for all the questions. Huge hugs to you. Its very stressful x

I’m having a shit time with my ds13 too. His dad isn’t around and he’s started self harming. He’s also very aggressive to me and his brothers. School have made a referral to CAMHS so we’ll see what’s next.

Sending sympathy OP

Watching with interest. I have 3 sons very close in age and im a single parent.

I have a friend who used to work for the prison. She said no one would go off the rails if they saw round a prison. Could you organise something hardcore like that?

Sorry its not a very great suggestion.

I was in this situation a few years ago and it is so stressful.

You can't physically make them go. And the more they won't go the more stressful it gets. I didn't find any miracle cure however I did work with a professional using NVR (non violent resistance).

At the time I thought it was ridiculous as the work was all done with me not him however it did give me tools to cope and not react in the heat of the moment.

I do feel for you as it's a lonely place to be and not one you ever anticipate being in. The behaviour is a symptom of the issue. Even if you know what the issue is they have to want to engage with support. Mine didn't so I had to change my way of dealing with it.

Are there any youth charities near you that deal with school refusers and excluded kids? I know around London there are a few - they have mentors and counsellors, often young men or older men who troubled boys might find it easier to open up to. Worth asking the school if they know anything like that and can refer you - or ask the GP or CAB or your local council? Or call up the local pupil exclusion unit and ask?

Must be heart-shredding for you

for you.
Early help saved me. I can’t recommend them highly enough.
Phone your local council and ask.

Have you asked him why he doesnt want to go? Could he be getting bullied? Im going to go against the grain here probably but when i was that age my mum was havjng similar issues with me (it did stem from bullying but the behaviour carried on even after i changed schools and the bullying stopped) My mum found the best thing that worked with me was compromise, if i didnt want to go school i didnt have to but i did have to keep up with my school work and do housework if i didnt go (just hoover through or something not slave labour). I finished yr 11 with a 70% attendance (which was up from when i just point blank refused when people tried to force me) and 12 GCSEs between A and C.
I think it would depend on each individual if that approach would work but its the only thing my mum found that worked with me.

Rick Early help in my area is fantastic, too.

If you haven't been down that avenue, give it a try.

Has he ever had any sort of formal assessment/diagnosis?

Maybe the reason he is acting out so much at school is SO he gets excluded? Could you discuss with the school isolation instead?

There is clearly something significant going on in his life. What does he say is the reason for this?

Family solutions helped me. You can self refer.

Same as Chocolate I thought it was very strange that I was the one expected to attend parenting support classes but they were really useful and I learnt a lot of new ways to deal with DD, I’ve attended several courses over the years now.

CAHMs were useless. DD refused to engage with any type of therapy or counselling.

She is now diagnosed HFA. Things are still not perfect at school but home life is much less chaotic and that is down to me managing her triggers etc.

Thanks all

Definitely not being bullied - if anything think he can be quite bullish towards others.
School exclusions usually start with him being disruptive in lessons but escalate because he can't calm down. School has tried getting him to do a 1:1 intervention and also referred him to a local youth work charity but he refused both. There is a chance he'll have to go to the local PRU but I know the school doesn't want that as they think it'll make him worse. Maybe it would suit him better?
I think he is highly anxious which is stopping him. He won't talk to any professionals.
We've had some involvement with social services and I guess his early life was quite chaotic. I'm not sure even the social worker knows what to do with him! I'm worried about him fighting and getting into drugs.

And re why he is so unhappy - I honestly don't know. He's had to deal with difficult things but it all seems more settled now. Guess it had a massive impact on him though and I just don't know how to make things better now

I have found this group very helpful. www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/