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AIBU?

Angry parter

85 replies

akate18 · 26/04/2018 23:11

Hello, new to this place. Hope I am posting in the right place.

My partner works 11 days on 3 days off, he always works away but travels home regularly during those 11 days. Can be very long hours. I am currently on maternity,

Every night he is home he comes home to a clean house, food in the table waiting and a happy, clean fed baby.

Every night he leaves a trail of mess behind him. I also have the baby 24/7, I have her the nights he has work the next day plus the time he has off and he needs to catch up on his sleep. Tonight I am absolutely exhausted, I have a long day ahead of my also tomorrow so asked my partner if he could clean the baby's bottles for me, he declined, I asked if he could just tidy up the kitchen, he declined again.

He then hears me slamming and banging about in the kitchen, comes out and asks me ' what's the matter' I replied with the, foods always waiting, always clean and you can't help me blah blah blah. He responds with look it took you two seconds, and other rather sarcastic comments. I then called him out by calling him sarcastic to which he responds just do it you fking lazy b**tch. Now this isn't the first time he has been verbally aggressive and probably won't be the last.

But Aibu by asking him to help me with a small bit of cleaning?

OP posts:

Report

QueenofSerene · 27/04/2018 02:02

He’s a nasty bully plain and simple and you deserve much better than that from a relationship, as does your daughter. Can you imagine if your daughter, as an adult, came to you with this scenario? Surely you’d tell her she’s better than this and worth more? Worse yet could you imagine her suffering this kind of abuse and hiding it from you because she’s embarrassed? You would be gutted.

Parents want to love and protect their children, your parents won’t think less of you from escaping this vile situation and starting out a better life for you and your daughter.

I’m currently on maternity leave and at home with two infants and some days I get bugger all done. My husband has many a time come home to a bombsite of a kitchen with piles of bottles needing a wash, laundry unfolded and he’d never dream of saying anything much less call me names over it, he just rolls up his sleeves and pitches in, because it’s a partnership. At the end of the day he doesn’t care about those stupid details because he just wants to come home to his family and that’s what it should be about.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 27/04/2018 03:49

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. The embarrassment is the way he treats the mother of his child. You really want your daughter to grow up seeing her mum treated like a slave? She will think that is how women ought to be treated.

You want to stay together for the sake of your daughter?

You NEED to split up for the sake of your precious daughter!

As a pp said, this is your one life. Please don't waste it with someone who treats you like a piece of shit.

Tartsamazeballs · 27/04/2018 04:36

Yep, you're blind to it, this is abuse.

I've got a husband who works long hours and an 18 month toddler. We've had some rows in the past year and a half but my husband would never say stuff like that. I'm a SAHM and he still helps with the housework when he gets home.

When he's out tomorrow get as much financial info about salaries, mortgsge etc as you can, pack your bags and go home to your mum. Do it FOR your daughter, not in spite of. Everything you do will teach her her worth.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/04/2018 05:20

I agree he sounds awful and you and your baby deserve better. He is the one who should be ashamed about his behaviour, not you. Please talk to your friends and family.

reetgood · 27/04/2018 05:33

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I had a past relationship where I delayed seeking help because of that issue. It was hard to start talking, but turns out my friends and family were waiting for me to ask. Different issue but I found people were extremely supportive. The cost to you of keeping the peace in this relationship is high. Keep safe, and talk to your family/ friends. I think the suggestion of moving back to parents with label of thinking over is a good one if that’s possible.

newdaylight · 27/04/2018 05:36

Just leave him. Seriously, the guys a dick and he's just going to role model being a dick you your daughter. Maybe just don't be there next time he comes back from work if that's the shit he comes out with.

Also your workload is loads higher just to please him. Life would be easier without him right?

BlueBug45 · 27/04/2018 05:52

Please don't stay together just because you want your daughter to have two parents to live together. Your daughter will grow up to have an abusive relationship like yours and that is far more damaging then any damage (if there is any) from her having parents who are separate. Even if she doesn't consciously think that she will subconsciously end up in a relationship like yours if you stay. If you break the cycle now she will know it's not a normal relationship.

Also if your OH had to live on his own whether he worked long days, long shifts or days away from home he would have to clean up after himself, sort out his own food and take turns look after your child on his own when he gets back. Doesn't matter how tired he is.

NightRaven52 · 27/04/2018 06:25

Reading your first post and all of your subsequent posts and all I can think is that I could have been writing this a few months ago!

Please don't pander to him anymore OP. I don't know you but I read this and I know that you (and your baby) deserve so much better than this. Exhausting yourself by running around after him, not arguing back to make things easier, it isn't going to get any better and it will in the long run only make your depression worse.

You say you find it embarrassing to talk to friends and family about this. There is nothing wrong with seeking help and support. And I can tell you from experience that there is absolutely nothing wrong in admitting that your partner isn't the man you thought he once was. Please, I urge you for your own sake and your DDs, speak to somebody in your life about what is happening.

He won't change, and when your DD gets older he will only start treating her the same. Please don't let this happen. I was the same as you. I grew up with separated parents and I always said to myself that any DC i had would grow up with their parents together. But honestly, at the end of the day it will be far more damaging for your DD to grow up in this environment. She will see her father treating you like this and grow up thinking that it's acceptable behaviour. In 20 years or so, would you want someone treating her the same way you are being treated?

I know a lot of the words will fall on deaf ears because I was you a few months ago. All I can say, and hope that you take to heart, is please please please, for the sake of your child and the sake of your own health, get some things together and go stay with your parents. Even if it's only for a few days while things calm down. Just please get out of that house.

RhurbabAndCustard · 27/04/2018 06:30

Pack your stuff and head home to your parents. Good luck OP x

NightRaven52 · 27/04/2018 06:36

Also please don't hesitate to message me if you need to talk to someone. I may just be a name on a screen to you, but please know that there is at least one complete stranger out there who is genuinely concerned for you and your baby.

AJPTaylor · 27/04/2018 06:40

If you were my daughter i would want you to come home.

iamkahleesi · 27/04/2018 06:42

You deserve better than to be treated like this. A relationship centres on respect, there is no respect here, he's giving you none and he deserves none. That is a despicable way to treat someone, especially someone you're supposed to love. The thought of walking away is petrifying but your child will not be raised in a happy home if you stay together and they will know that. Be strong.

higherupper · 27/04/2018 06:49

This is very sad to read! You and your baby deserve better

AntipodeanOpalEye · 27/04/2018 06:59

Ring your parents, pack your bags and take the baby and and any valuables whist thanking your lucky stars your not married to this controlling cunt. You have supportive parents and good prospects for raising your DC without this toxic behaviour.

user838383 · 27/04/2018 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

backsackcraic · 27/04/2018 07:12

Get out now, you and your baby deserve better. You'll be a,axed how much easier life is when you're not treading on eggshells. Go home to your parents, accept their support and get your life back x

jessicasmummy04 · 27/04/2018 07:19

Please leave him. You don't want your daughter to grow up thinking that a man treating you like that is normal and for her to get into similar relationships.. it's not healthy for you or her.

Rosielily · 27/04/2018 07:38

He does make me well aware that he is the main bread earner and that we wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for him.

You'd have peace of mind and an inner contentment which are both priceless.

In time you will qualify and start to earn again.

What is your housing position? Mortgage, rented, in whose name?

Yorkshirepudding1987 · 27/04/2018 09:00

He sounds abusive. I'm on maternity leave my DP works full time. He's the bread winner.

Last night he got home, the house was a mess, every time id tidied our baby had trashed the house again. I was exhausted from chasing him around all day.

DP made a bottle, got the baby ready for bed, washed up and we had a bowl of cheerios for tea. He fed him and put him to bed.

He would never ever call me a lazy bitch. That is abusive as far as I'm concerned and you need to leave.

Stormy76 · 27/04/2018 11:27

I think you need to speak to your parents and tell them what's going on. You need more support.

kaitlinktm · 27/04/2018 11:36

I really would take the baby and go and see your parents - take some paperwork just in case, like passport and baby's birth certificate. Don't tell him your plans - leave him a note for when he gets home.

Tell your parents what you have told us and see what they think about it. If they are like you, they will be horrified and will support you, I know I would if you were my daughter.

Ginkypig · 27/04/2018 13:52

Just a message to say I hope your ok akate

I know you'll probably be in shock just not at the response a lot of us are when we realise things are worse than we thought.

Remember no one here is trying to hurt your feelings. If you need more advice or support please don't hesitate to come back.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/04/2018 14:19

So maybe I am the issue.

No love, you really aren't. He is an abusive, lazy arsehole.

Please do not be embarrassed to talk to friends and family. You have nothing to be embarrassed about - HE DOES.

How are you today? Please talk to someone in real life and start making plans to move out. Don't let your little one grow up in this toxic environment.

Please keep posting.

Imsosceptical · 27/04/2018 14:26

Go to your parents and finish the nursing degree, he’s not going to get any better, but you deserve better. You have good parents who will support you while you get your nursing career off the ground, it’s not how you hoped it would be but it’s the reality and you will look back and than yourself so much for doing it xxx

shakingmyhead1 · 27/04/2018 14:30

He just stormed upstairs and said...

Someone else can fucking have you because I don't want you.

that would do it for me... in the morning get up and if the house is in your name pack his bags and send him on his way, and if not pack yours and your babies and leave, dont say a word just leave

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