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AIBU?

Angry parter

85 replies

akate18 · 26/04/2018 23:11

Hello, new to this place. Hope I am posting in the right place.

My partner works 11 days on 3 days off, he always works away but travels home regularly during those 11 days. Can be very long hours. I am currently on maternity,

Every night he is home he comes home to a clean house, food in the table waiting and a happy, clean fed baby.

Every night he leaves a trail of mess behind him. I also have the baby 24/7, I have her the nights he has work the next day plus the time he has off and he needs to catch up on his sleep. Tonight I am absolutely exhausted, I have a long day ahead of my also tomorrow so asked my partner if he could clean the baby's bottles for me, he declined, I asked if he could just tidy up the kitchen, he declined again.

He then hears me slamming and banging about in the kitchen, comes out and asks me ' what's the matter' I replied with the, foods always waiting, always clean and you can't help me blah blah blah. He responds with look it took you two seconds, and other rather sarcastic comments. I then called him out by calling him sarcastic to which he responds just do it you fking lazy b**tch. Now this isn't the first time he has been verbally aggressive and probably won't be the last.

But Aibu by asking him to help me with a small bit of cleaning?

OP posts:

Report

GnotherGnu · 26/04/2018 23:59

Calling you offensive names, expecting to be waited on hand and foot and refusing to lift a finger to help you is certainly abusive.

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2018 00:03

He sounds like a lazy, arrogant arsehole.

"Normally I wouldn't ask but I am so so tired. I don't have anyone to talk to about it either as I am too embarrassed to talk to friends and family. Which is even embarrassing to admit as I obviously know its not a good situation."

Please talk to your friends and build up your support network.

"I don't think it's necessarily abusive, or maybe I'm just blind to it. " I think he is abusive and you are blind to it.

"I do understand that I am no angel, I suffer from depression and he can find it quite hard to deal with. " I would imagine you can find him quite hard to deal with too.

Please see your doctor for help with depression.

Please think about what you want from this relationship and if you are not getting it, think what you may choose to do next.

reetgood · 27/04/2018 00:04

Just to give you perspective: I have a four month old. My partner is self employed and this month it’s been 9-5ish weekdays then weekends away on his job. He comes back, I ask him to hold the baby while I make tea. He takes the baby in the morning to give me an extra hour asleep, as I do the night shift. He says ‘let me take the baby, you’ve had him all day’. He has never, ever called me a bitch and definitely not a lazy one.

I’d be tempted to say let your partner have the baby for a day to give him a bit of insight. That’s not the problem though, the problem is his abusive language toward you and disrespectful attitude.

gigglesnpoos · 27/04/2018 00:04

@akate18 he is verbally and mentally abusing you. He's making your life miserable and contributing nothing to it apart from money. This IS abuse. Please ring women's aid for a chat atleast. Hugs x

gigglesnpoos · 27/04/2018 00:06

And you're depressed...no wonder. I don't think you'll ever feel much better with an abusive cunt like him around. Run and don't look back.

Carouselfish · 27/04/2018 00:06

You are adding everything to his life.
What, exactly, is he adding to yours?

Ginkypig · 27/04/2018 00:13

My partner has never even once insulted me personally in the whole 15 years we've been together.

He cooks, he does his own washing, he hoovers and cleans the shower and takes the bins out or anything else really that needs done. As do I. Except the shower I hate that

We are equal in everything and occasionally disagree but neither of us would ever call the other a name.

He isn't treating you as a partner, or even like he loves or respects you. You deserve better than this.

akate18 · 27/04/2018 00:13

I do take medication for my depression. Can have the odd bad day but I think it's when I am very tired.

I have wonderfully supportive friends but I am just too embarrassed to talk to them about it.

When he's working and he travels home his days are around 15/16 days long. So I don't like to give him the baby when he gets home, because I think he deserves a break. Luckily I have a very good baby.

Normally I'd make a stand and sort of argue back but he's impossible to argue against, just easier to sit back and let it go over my head.

He came in after it and said I don't come home for this shit. In my mind I thought fuck me don't come home at all would be best.

Maybe I am minimising it, or at the very least making excuses for it.

OP posts:

ClemDanfango · 27/04/2018 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smithsinarazz · 27/04/2018 00:20

He's a wanker.
Reetgood - yes. In this context "not all men" is a good thing to say. Some men aren't wankers. DH isn't, either, and yes, he's the main breadwinner, but he doesn't think that means he can treat me like a serf. He takes the baby on Wednesday and Sunday evenings when I go singing and never, NEVER complains about there being bits of Weetabix all over the floor because if he did I would say "Well, clean it up then." That's not him being a saint. That's him not being a wanker. Take care of yourself lovey xx

Stormy76 · 27/04/2018 00:20

He sounds horrible, he obviously works hard and appears to see that he goes to work and you deal with everything else. calling you names is bang out of order, that is abusive and also toxic for the relationship. I would suggest not making his food, just deal with you and the baby.......you are not his servant and he should not treat you like one.
It shouldn't be a hardship for him to do the bottles!
Organise a day or night out with your friends and leave him to deal with the baby, I think you are in need of a night out. Don't be embarrassed to tell your friends, they will have issues going on at home as well. Don't put up with his name calling that's disgusting behaviour.

akate18 · 27/04/2018 00:20

I did just have a mini victory, I decided against sleeping on the settee. Went upstairs and into bed, he promptly got out and went and slept downstairs.

I am now feeling a little smug. But if this is what my life has come to fuck me

OP posts:

Stormy76 · 27/04/2018 00:24

Leave him on the sofa, he is very self centred

akate18 · 27/04/2018 00:25

He just stormed upstairs and said...

Someone else can fucking have you because I don't want you.

Second time he's said that in a week. So maybe I am the issue.

OP posts:

HelenUrth · 27/04/2018 00:31

It's not you, it's him.
Please keep posting here, you will get great support and advice (+ the odd stupid comment!).
The way he is speaking to you is disgraceful, please don't let him try to justify it, yes he's working long hours but that doesn't excuse his attitude.
Is the baby his? Even if not, I would think his attitude is reprehensible.

akate18 · 27/04/2018 00:34

Yes baby is definitely his. I've just always wanted her to grow up with her parents together.

I just think i can keep it together for her. Please him so I can keep us all together. Looking back now that's a very childish idea.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 27/04/2018 00:35

Please don’t be embarrassed.
Tell your friends, tell your parents.
He should be ashamed of himself.

Homebird8 · 27/04/2018 00:37

He doesn’t deserve you. He does nothing to offer you anything in the relationship.

Ginkypig · 27/04/2018 00:53

His comments are designed specifically to make you think that something is wrong with you and the problems are your fault and doing so the result is you try harder and harder to not cause problems but as you do his demands and disappointments become greater until he is in full control but even then you will still be causing problems and he will still berate you.

In simple terms he is tricking you into giving him control and the more you give him the more he will take until you have nothing left.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/04/2018 00:56

Please don't worry about keeping it together for your DD. You'll both be better off with your parents. He's an abusive bully. Don't let your little girl grow up thinking that's how men behave. Put her, and yourself, first.

Ellie56 · 27/04/2018 01:01

He is a knob and he definitely won't get any better.

Run for the hills OP.

ClemDanfango · 27/04/2018 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Monty27 · 27/04/2018 01:05

He's an abuser and a mysogynistic bully

oncemoreunto · 27/04/2018 01:08

This man sounds horrible. I am struggling to see what, other financial support he brings you. My DH works long hours, can be inclined to think I should do all the housework and annoying though he can be at times he would never speak to me like that. When I pull him up on his attitude he can see it isn't fair. You deserve more than this.

Godowneasy · 27/04/2018 01:09

Could you go to stay with your parents tomorrow for a week or so to 'think things over', and to get some tlc and help with baby and rest maybe? Also, to send him a clear message that the way he is treating you is totally unacceptable. Just go, and let him know once you're there.

He is the issue here, not you, but I doubt he'll change his attitude much as men like this don't see any incentive to.

You sound as though you feel trapped in this relationship, and I wonder how much that is contributing to your depression?

You say that you want your daughter to be brought up with both parents. I'd just like to say that she'd be absolutely fine being brought up by a single parent- it's different, but it can be just as good as a two parent family. (I know, I have an 18 year old who I've brought up on my own- she says she doesn't feel as though she missed out as she's never known any different and has a great childhood. She's a happy stable young woman who's now following her dream at University).

Please don't put up with his abuse. Think of what is best for you and your life. Whatever that is, will also be best for your daughter.

Do you rent your home? If so, I'd be thinking about him leaving it asap.

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