Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Distance Myself From My DF

17 replies

ListeningToTheRainNow · 26/04/2018 21:58

I had a chaotic childhood.
It was feast or famine.
During feast we went to private school, my Dad closed down Covent Garden to film , we had garden parties & socialised with famous people of the time.
We were generally left to our devices. At one party I managed to get locked in the bathroom & no one noticed for 3 hours.
Famine was my Dad pissing everything up the wall . My Mum drove 2 hours most nights to drag him out the pub in London.
During this time we lived in a large house & at the of 7 , I & my sibling had to partake in an exorcism.
Famine came quickly & we moved aboard.
We , as kids, settled into country life.
My Dad would go to the pub & come back with a calf.
We were quite wild. We left the house when sun was up & came home when it was dark.
During this time I witnessed my Dad beating up my older brother.
I remember the 3 of us ( I’m the youngest, my 2 bothers are 2, 2 years older) standing in a line & my Dad had a billiard cue. He made us put our hands out to be hit. I was 9 & pulled my hand away. We all got hit one time more because of that.
I cooked Sunday dinner from the age of 9 because if I didn’t we didn’t eat ( my mum was working). My eldest brother left home at 14.
Feast came back . My Dad was one of the first ‘normal ‘ people to feature on the front page of a tabloid. We moved back to the UK.
My Dad had an affair with his secretary.
He left on Christmas Day when I was 12.
For a few months my Mum would get me out of bed at 1am & we would sit outside their flat.
My Dad married her.
My Mum could only be on her own for a few months & married the guy in the opposite house. He had 3 teenage kids.
My dad had twins.
Throughout my teens I probably saw him once every 6 months- he just made excuses when we were supposed to meet.
At the age of 17 (after my a levels) my mum & DSF told me they were moving abroad- I could go with them or find somewhere to live. They wouldn’t support me.
I found & job & a room . I married the guy who I lodged with.
I went to my Dads for the weekend. He got pissed. We went for a walk. He asked me to mediate for him - he had made a huge mistake, I needed to help him get back with my Mum. I refused.
During this time my eldest brother was living in a bus. Funnily enough he made the front pages of the papers- The Times. He was there with his wonderful Mohican during the poll tax riots.
I had a life threatening pregnancy ( the baby died) . I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him for 15 years. I tried to keep contact but he was living the dream .
He divorced & met a truly wonderful lady. She was so good for him , do down to earth & for the first time he met my 2 DCs.
We tried & formed some sort of relationship.
His partner unfortunately died a couple of years ago.
To present day - he phones me every day & has come completely reliant on me. I hate it. I can’t get over the past.

Sorry for the ramble. I just needed to spew.

OP posts:
MyNameIsTotoro · 26/04/2018 22:00

Jesus Christ, is that a film script or an Eastenders plot?

Apologies if it's not but even if a fraction of that was your life it sounds utterly exhausting!

I'd absolutely go no contact. He's treated you terribly!!!

strongerthan · 26/04/2018 22:03

Have you had therapy? That's some serious past ThanksThanksThanks

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 22:06

So he abandoned you all when you were 12, only contacted you every 6 months and was pissed on the weekends you saw from the age of 17.

I'd say you owe him nothing and go low contact. Does he add anything to your life?

ListeningToTheRainNow · 26/04/2018 22:09

Thank you for your replies.

It’s not a soap unfortunately & I’ve left out so many other incidences/happenings.

I have had CBT but not for my past, for my present but perhaps they are entwined.

I try to leave it a few days when he calls so he’s not dependant on me but as his child I feel guilty. He’s frail.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 26/04/2018 22:10

You don’t owe him anything. Block him. He’s not your problem.

justforthisnow · 26/04/2018 22:12

Therapy asap
Low contact immediately (your dad is using you)
Mind yourself and only yourself.

Mrsmadevans · 26/04/2018 22:15

You can't go no contact because you have been horribly abused and seen so much abuse . Yet the abuse has made you unable to feel guilt free over your DF and go NC. Is that about it OP? I expect you even feel sorry for him .
I am so sorry my dear. You need counselling or therapy of some sort. l don't know how you have been able to cope all this time . The most wonderful thing out of all this is that you have 2 DCS and l bet you are a brilliant mum . Try to talk to someone about all this , the Samaritans have a brilliant helpline and they are not just there for ppl who feel suicidal . I so hope you get through this and out the other side.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us/what-happens-when-you-contact-us

ListeningToTheRainNow · 26/04/2018 22:42

I have only 1 person in RL that I spoken about my life.
I’m sorry for ranting- a family birthday is coming up & my SIL has been pressuring me to reply as to whether I will be attending.

At my Dads last big birthday I discovered my 1/2 Sis & my DH (we are now separated) were sexting each other. Their excuse was that they were trying to make me jealous & make me love my DH more.

For the past week I’ve lay in bed thinking about posting.

Writing it down it sounds fucked up but to me it is just normal

OP posts:
ListeningToTheRainNow · 26/04/2018 22:45

My Dad knows about these texts - I had no choice but to tell him due to me not turning up to family gatherings

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 07:41

You're not ranting. Your feelings are completely valid.

Is your sis going to be at the party? If so, don't go.

You don't owe her or your dad anything.

ChasedByBees · 27/04/2018 07:44

Contact him every six months. You owe him nothing.

FreddyFasbear · 27/04/2018 07:48

Echo previous posters. Just cut them dead and move on with YOUR life. You’ve been treated hideously, and it’s more than overdue that you become more selfish! You sound so unsure of your place in this mess, and I’m not at all surprised. You’ve been wonderful and given so many more chances than most people would. Cut your losses and start your life, just for you, today. I feel for you. Fucked up family really stays with you. Flowers

Hissy · 27/04/2018 07:52

Fucking hell, he’s an emotional parasite, get him, the ex and the rest of that sorry bunch of wankers as far away from you as you possibly can.

I guarantee within weeks you’ll feel better and stronger than you’ve ever felt.

You poor thing! You’ve suffered so much. Take your life back and only allow those in it who bring you real joy.

Roussette · 27/04/2018 07:54

I agree, I really think you owe him nothing so you have to preserve your emotional wellbeing and if that means NC, that's fine. The resentment will never go away but I honestly think that when your DF passes away, you will find some peace (sorry if I'm wording that wrong).

Listening... when I read your OP it just reminded me of a book I've read. A chaotic childhood and the resolving of that -triumph against adversity. If you haven't read it, I think it might help a bit. The feast and famine resonates so so much through this book. Here is a resume...
'The book recounts the unconventional, poverty-stricken upbringing Walls and her siblings had at the hands of their deeply dysfunctional parents'
Apologies if you have already read it.
It's 'The Glass Castle' by Jeannette Walls.

Hissy · 27/04/2018 07:54

And you’re not ranting, you’re letting out the shame they’ve inflicted on you.

The shame is theirs, shame on them.

It’s vital to express all your feelings about how you’ve been made to feel. Keep talking/keep posting

We hear you and you’re not the one who caused any of this

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/04/2018 08:03

Hi OP, sounds like you've live a challenging life. I'm sorry you have been through this. My dad disappeared to Thailand during maternity leave and has disappeared off the face of the earth even though my parents were together 30 years Confused if he came back into my life I certainly wouldn't be speaking to him everyday and supporting him.

He is just using you as he doesn't have a wife anymore. Do you have any other support?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/04/2018 08:36

The only people you owe anything to is your children. You should do whatever you think will make you and them most happy. You owe him nothing. You would be morally justified in cutting him off for several of his actions over the years. You reap what you sow.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread