I don’t feel like a real woman

[Catlover8]

A boy at secondary school said I looked like a man for years. He got other people involved and I don’t think I’ll get over it.

It did and has affected me ever since, even after all this time. When the taunts began at 11 I started to see myself as ugly and hideous.

As a teenager I didn’t want to wear make up or try and look pretty as I felt people would make fun of me - “she’s so ugly and thinks she can be pretty” is what i imagined they’d say.

I’m my 20s I went the other way and started wearing a lot of make up to try and look and feel like another person. I will never have pictures taken if I can help it.

I feel it’s affected everything for me. I’ve gone out with abusive men as I’m flattered anyone interested in women would want to go out with me and I should take what I can get. If I receive a rare compliment I get so embarrassed and think they can’t have looked at me too closely or they’ll see they’re wrong.

It’s nuts but I’m actually flattered when people actually describe me as a women or her/she

I’ve had therapy and it doesn’t work. I always feel less of a woman and don’t know how I can get over this.

I wish people would realise the lasting affect of their words.

Firstly , and I can't imagine what a campaign of sustained bullying must have been like. Your self esteem and self confidence has clearly been badly affected by it.

I know you've said that therapy hasn't worked, but there are various different types and you may find that a different style might work better for you. I'd investigate ways of building your self esteem that aren't based on looks/appearance and try and be kind to yourself if you can.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. People can be so mean, especially children, and I guess at that age, they don't know how much of an effect their words will have way into the future.

You sound really lovely - you just need to have more confidence and faith that you are worthy of love and affection and try and avoid the not so nice people.

Compliments can be awkward for anyone to hear but people wouldn't say these nice things if they didn't mean it.

Stay positive and your beauty will shine even more than I'm sure it already does.

How awful that these nasty people can still be having an effect on you years later. There’s nothing I can say that will make you believe any differently as you’ve said therapy hasn’t worked, but I hope that somehow you learn to let this go and to love yourself, and let yourself be loved.

I know how you feel to some extent, I still remember nasty things that were said to me as a child and it does colour my view of myself but I do know that the fault was with them and their horrible critical words, not with the way I looked. Have some and lots of love, be kind to yourself and imagine what you would say to someone else if they told you this.

Before anything else I just want to shout so you hear me ok

you are a real woman because a real woman is every woman who has ever existed no matter what she looks like, what her interests are, who she loves, how she dresses, wether she wears makeup or any other thing you can think of. No one can ever take that from you because you are you and that is fucking beautifu!

^^ THIS!

I am so sorry to hear this. Its shocking that you take "she" and other female pronouns as compliments. You are a woman!

Your bullies have worn you down, it's awful this lasting effect they are having, but as you said one person started it - one - and then encouraged others to join in. I doubt any of them really thought anything bad about your looks: they just pick a victim and then use any stick to beat them with, however spurious.

You sound lovely, and need to be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself a bit. You don't have to be beautiful. Who is? We're all different. But bit of self confidence, a feeling of self worth and nice smile and you'll look and feel good and draw people to you.

Bully's aren't truth tellers they just pick something normally at random then use it over and over. Don't let them fool you into thinking that it's you because it's not it was them!

For example if they had picked your hair instead of their perception of your felinity. If they told you every day that your hair looked like a shit wig and that it doesn't look real would that then make you feel your hair wasn't real? Probably not so why do you feel your not a real woman?

Can I tell you something that most people don't really acknowledge. Standard pretty is usually nice to look at for a few minutes but then very boring very quickly. The most beautiful people, the type of person who sticks in your mind and you want to look at again and get to know are beautiful because they are interesting and unique. They are the people who in history artists wanted to paint or who writers want to write poetry about.

He sounds like a complete arsehole but if you have female genitals you are a woman. Just happily not one likely to be saddled with that particular vile bollocks for brains as a partner.

Oh sweetheart, I can relate so much to your post - I was told similar through my high school years by girls and boys (some who I had no idea who they even were). It took many many years to realise that I was singled out because I was quite unusual and had my own tastes (however hard I worked at hiding myself). Teenagers in packs hate non-conformity and will often go to great lengths to try and destroy it.

It took me until I was well into my twenties to truly believe that I am beautiful (in my own way, whatever the fuck that even means) and it's probably only now as 40 approaches that I feel really comfortable in my skin. I feel sad for all the years I lost trying to fit in and go unnoticed. What helped me was finding things I really loved doing - in my case it was rock climbing and endurance running - and becoming really fit and strong helped me to respect and feel proud of my physical self. I hope you can find some peace and move on from that horrible time xxx

Another one here that doesn't feel like a woman. My sister is very pretty and small and dainty. I'm a big lump, always have been and always will be. I got my dad's face and a square body. I never wear makeup or get a decent hair cut as I know you can't polish a turd. I buy myself 2nd hand clothes as there's no point spending money on me. I have sons who I praise all the time for being themselves and who have lovely clothes. I'm hoping not to pass on my insecurity.

What Ginky said. Being a woman has nothing to do with make up and whether you fit the current made up media idea of what "pretty" us, it's just a biological fact. It would be flippant to say there's no point agonising over all the socially constructed nonsense people stick on top of the idea of womanhood, but if you're a woman you're a woman, it's such a solid biological fact that it's awful a bully made you feel this way.

Sustained bullying from a group is awful, and can make you doubt that up is up and that the sun will rise every morning. Perhaps a different type of therapy could be worth looking into one day, to recover from sustained bullying in your formative years.

I had the same. I was told I looked like Charlie Brown at school, teachers would say “young man” or “you boy” to speak to me. Occasionally people serving me in a shop would say sir, or excuse me mate.
I used to feel so embarrassed and self conscious.
But now I just accept the way I look, I do look a bit blokey but so what. It doesn’t mean you are unattractive or a bad person.
Remember ppl who bully are the ones with a problem, they are bad people. Not you xx

OP please bear in mind that these guys have grown up now. Will probably have no recollection of this and you must move forward from this.

I do know what it’s like, somebody called my sister an ugly bitch at secondary school and she’s never forgotten it. 30 years on she’ll
Spent money on Botox before her own kids shoes. Don’t be like that, resolve it. How? I’m not sure. You’ve tried therapy already haven’t you?

If it helps, I've never met a nice person who is ugly nor have I ever met someone who is perfect. We're all just somewhere in the middle dealing with what we think are our 'flaws' as best we can.

Furthermore beauty (or lack of) is completely subjective anyway. I've spent years being paranoid about my upper arms after someone at school mentioned how big they were yet the odd time I've mentioned them to someone since (ie wanting a wedding dress that covers them), no one has ever noticed them.

The way I see it is bullies for whatever reason need to drag others down with them into a pit of misery and insecurity. They'll use any means to do this including lying. On the other hand, people who pay you a compliment have nothing to gain from doing so, so they're probably telling the truth.

If you need further proof that you don't have to be mega-feminine to be beautiful; I give you ... Pink. Strong, athletic, talented, total badass and sexy as fuck.