To think that my mum is being unreasonable?

[upsydoosy]

NC for this

So I'm a young single mother of a 3 year old and a 3 day old.

I've been absolutely fine coping by myself the last few months after my partner left, and have also been pretty much babysitting my mother who has been at my house 24/7 trying to avoid her husband who she refuses to divorce or kick out of her house.

Now I've had the baby I don't mind so much her being around as its great to have some help and it feels like having to put up with her for so long has been worth it because she's great at helping me with the kids. (I get this probably makes me sound evil but she is a very difficult woman to put up with and has been even more so the last few months)

Today, she offered to go out and get something for tea and my three year old wanted to go with her. So she said that was fine. Five minutes after they've gone out I hear my 3YO full on sobbing, look out the window and she's dragging him by his harm. I opened the door asked what the hell was going on, it turned out he needed a wee as hadn't had one before they left. So 3YO came back in, mum spotted he'd already wet himself and went mad. She slammed the door in his face and left.

She returned later, and told me the only reason she was here all the time is because I can't cope (it's rubbish -the only time I've really needed someone is now I've had the baby) refused to apologise to 3YO and stormed back out then sent me a message saying she knows she's awful and horrible and she'll just stay out of our way. I know she's waiting for me to apologise but I don't think I've done anything wrong.

I'm really upset as don't really have anyone else for support but I really don't feel like I should be apologising. AIBU? I don't know what to do. Sorry if this makes me sound awful.

Do not apologise and keep her away from the kids, that’s horrible behaviour.

I think it’s your mum who is totally in the wrong her and you shouldn’t be the one apologising.

Living all together once you are grown up and with your own children just doesn’t work so I would ask her nicely when she is going home as you need your space.

You say you've no one else to support you but she doesn't sound much of a support.

Tell your mother to get her own house in order before she has a go at you, tell her to go home as she is not helping you by being so nasty to your wee one.

Your poor 3 y/o. Accidents happen and as kids tend to live in the moment they don’t think about things like going to the loo before leaving unless cajoled.

I would reply saying that what she did wasn’t at all nice as as the adult she should apologise to your son. Tell her you appreciate all the help she’s given but you won’t stand for her to act like that again or speak to you like that either.

Congrats on your newborn too.

Poor little chap, he probably wet himself because she frightened him as much as anything else.

Of course you shouldn't be apologising, she sounds slight deranged tbh.

If you could manage without her it sounds as if your life would be calmer, but that's going to be very hard for you.

Perhaps send her a message saying something along the lines that you'd like her help now the baby's here but not if she feels she can't cope with your 3 year old, which I imagine is why would want her there.

But definitely don't apologise, why would you? You've done nothing to apologise for.

There's no way I would put up with anyone treating my child in such an appalling way. He's three years old for Gods sake. Do not apologise. She's been abusive towards your son. It's time she went home.

The fact she’s saying you can’t cope and she’s leeching off you emotionally and treats your kid like that... I’d look to your own real support system- friends etc. Cause she’s in it for what she can get out of you.

Don’t call her. She needs to realise how out of order she was and apologise

Oh your poor wee boy, he must have been so confused and scared!
You’ve done nothing wrong OP, she was bang out of line.

DS2 is potty training now and we’ve had a few accidents along the way, I cannot imagine getting angry with him, let alone humiliating him and dragging him by the arm!

Don't you dare apologise to her. She's a monster. No one kind or caring would treat a three year old that way.

Tell herby text, if possible, so she doesn't get the opportunity to turn this around onto youthat her treatment of your child was absolutely unacceptable, and that you expect her to apologise to you and to him before you'll let her back into your house. And then don't say another word.

I hope your little one is ok.

"Thanks for everything you have done but this isn't working for us anymore. I think it would be best if you move back home."
It leaves you room to think about what you want to do. I would not allow her to be with the children unsupervised for now. Try and keep things calm and polite because you have just had a baby and conflict and arguments will do you no good.

That was really terrible of your mum. I'd look into HomeStart OP, maybe they'd send a volunteer to entertain your 3yo for a few hours a week?

And congratulations on the new LO .

Tell mum to go, your little one is 3!! Ffs isn't that what 3 year olds do?

Also a new baby in the house and he's out of sorts!

What was your reaction to what she did?

I'd be telling her not to come back after that!

Agree with the inappropriately named unforgiving. Thank her for what she has done but say you feel you both need a bit of space right now and you'll be in touch. Then judge for yourself whether you want her near your kids right now.

Why do you think she wants you to apologise when she's said she knows she's been mean and horrible and will stay out of your way?

Long before I got to the bit about her slamming the door in a 3 year olds face, I thought she was odd. The way you have written about her, and how she is treating staying with you tells me that she is the last person you need around when you are on your own with a new baby and a 3 year old who is suddenly no longer the baby. Let her stay away.

Poor little boy. There will be lots more accidents like this before he's completely reliable. What happens next time?

YANBU your poor DS!

Three year olds don’t think about things like going to the toilet before they leave the house, your mum should’ve reminded him to go before they left. And even with the best intentions and reminders, three year olds have accidents. Its never okay to “go mad” and slam the door on a child for having an accident.

@MollyAA not only is your spamming highly fucking irritating, it’s also not allowed on MN. And nobody will answer your survey. So off you fuck.

She is not helping or supporting you. You are helping and supporting her. You have a hell of a lot on your plate and if your post had substituted the word mother for partner there would be a hell of a reaction. I would tell her that you appreciate her help so far, you are coping well (and I'm sure you will cope far better with another dependant out of your hair) but when things settle down she could perhaps pop over for half an hour. In theory it would be lovely if you spent this time soaking in the tub but in reality make her a cup of tea and try and beat the world record of how many household tasks you can do in 30 mins! Might make her think. Or not. My mum is very similar!

I'd reply with something like 'Those are your words, not mine, but as thankful as I am for your help recently the way you acted today was out of order and it's probably best if you take some time to consider whether you want to continue with the current level of contact. I will not accept you treating DS the way you did today and it can never happen again or I won't be able to trust you alone with him. Take some time and come back when you're ready to talk calmly about it.'

But I might be projecting, I'm LC with my mother because the 'doing something awful and then playing the victim' cycle wore me down to the point I can do 36 hours about 6 times a year.

She would absolutely think I should apologise in the above situation (although I wouldn't let her be alone with my DD anyway, due to the likelihood of her losing her cool with children - I lived 14 years of her anger)

Tell your DM to leave your house and let her sort out her own life instead of using your home as her retreat from her marriage. She is not there for you or the DC from what you've written, and will bring more upset and drama than assistance. Don't be used.

You don't sound awful at all! The fact that you're worried about your behavior coming across as awful just proves that your mother is manipulating you when it is clearly her actions that are causing a problem. She is staying at your house because she refuses to deal with her problems with her husband, and yet she doesn't mind being cruel to her DGS who is still a baby at 3 and still learning as far as potty training goes!? That is ridiculous, IMO. As the adult, shouldn't she have asked him if he needed to potty BEFORE leaving the house? Definitely not something to get that mad about! She owes both you and your son an apology! Sorry, but she does not sound very helpful at all and it doesn't seem like she is there to help or support you, like pp said. Seems like she is hiding out at your place instead of dealing with her issues.

Congrats on your newborn!!