Daughter harassed at school - how to progress

[carlinsleap]

Our eldest daughter is experiencing sexual harassment from another pupil in her year at school.

My wife and I have three daughters, all of whom are generally well
behaved all around - no trouble at school at all, etc.

There have been several times where we've had to speak to their schools about difficulties one of them may have been having, but we've always done so with the attitude of knowing that there are many sides to a story and that being open and speaking with the school is the best way to go.

The latest incident is quite a bit trickier and my wife and I are very anxious to ensure that we deal with it in the best way for our eldest daughter who is 15 years old.

She is just about to sit her GCSE's next month and so is already under a lot of pressure as it is...but over the last few weeks, she has had to deal with some very inappropriate, sexually explicit comments from a boy in her year at school.

The comments started out as what I would classify as inappropriate, "bar-room" comments about my daughters appearance - comments that probably would fit straight into what most people would see as a grey area that I'm sure would offend as many people and may make others smile.

Most importantly, my daughter wasn't bothered about them - but the comments have quickly progressed and got much worse.

The boy in question is now openly using sexually explicit & detailed language about her body and what he would like to do to her.
He has made these comments directly to her, about her as she walks past (said loud for her to be able to hear) and also to her friends.
He has even mimicked sexual actions in her personal space some comments.

We had a chat with our daughter who was very emotional about it.
She told us how self conscious she feels and how she has started to avoid any group this boy would be part. If she is sitting or in any area where this boy might arrive, she feels too intimidated to stand up or move around in case he says something else.
After the latest set of comments, she was in tears at home.

I have spoken to the school about this today.
They were very apologetic and tried to assure me that this would be dealt with swiftly.

Because of the severity of the issue, I wanted to deal with it slightly differently. Whereas I would normally present the school with the details from our side and let them decide on the best way to deal with it, I did try my best to be as authoritative as I could...telling them that regardless of any other other factors involved, that without question, this must stop immediately.

I also did my best to take let the head of year know that the boy needs to be aware that I am prepared to take this further if it does not stop immediately, without my daughter being subjected to any further comments from the boy or his group of friends - if he decides to share the details with them.

What I am unsure about is what we could or should do next.

If school speak to the boy and it stops without anything else being said to or aimed at our daughter, then she and we are happy to leave it there.
If it doesn't stop, or if anything is aimed at our daughter from this boys wider group of friends, then I want to make sure that we choose the best course of action next.

Do we pursue it further with the head of year at school?
Do we go to the head master or governors?
Do we/can we speak to our local community police officer?

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Thanks

Request a meeting with the boy's parents at school and discuss it with them and advise them that u will take it further

Sounds like school need to start running some sort of programme about teaching respect and impact if behaviour. These boys need educating and we'll as discapline

Id expect some sort of exclusion - but be warned they don't tend to be very long. My son was physically beaten and the child beating him had a 1 day exclusion and an 1 day internal exclusion. The bruising lasted far longer, as no doubt will your daughters anxiety about her body now.

I also think that as part of his re-integration to school meeting a pcso should be present to explain the seriousness of harassment and the consequences

and then some whole school PSHE stuff on harassment

If it's any help, I started to receive dirty phone calls to my parents house the day I started my GCSE's.
The police took it seriously and traced the calls and were very kind when talking to me. Having them involved helped me more than not having them involved would have.

I'm a teacher, I would be very surprised if the school didn't involve the police themselves. They certainly would do where I work, this is a serious issue.

Agree with Bom7's advice.

Follow up your meeting with an email and cc the chair of governors.

It's called making a paper trail. Every time someone speaks to you about it, email them back with a note of what was said and the actions that are to follow. It's very important you do this, otherwise the whole thing becomes a he said she said. This way, there is no confusion.

Is it possible to threaten to take out a restraining order? That would cause a lot of trouble for him.

What a nasty piece of work. It's a form of stalking, isn't it?

This is sexual harassment, a police matter.

If this was my daughter I would speak to the police for advice & then take it from there.
I would also speak with the school as it may affect her school results & thus lad may be harassing other young women.

I feel sad this is happening & wish you all the best with resolving it.

Go to the police today.

As you can probably tell from my posts so far, i do tend to ramble and use 10 words when some times 3 will do....but I've not gone into detail with things that were said, but I can see I've been vague with my "bar room" description. Poor choice of description from me.

I understand what you're saying about definitions of harassment - but after speaking to a few trusted friends and family members, I'm surprised at the range of views and attitudes in this area.
I'm the only man in a house with four amazingly strong and confident females and I tend to take my lead from them and how they feel about things.

At the start of all this, the boy made a couple of comments that were - according to my daughter - "nice". Things like "looking good today..."
They arent how I would talk but certainly seem to be in line with how my daughters and their friends talk to one another

Thanks for the advice everyone.

My wife and I have talked together and with our daughter.

We've let her thoughts take the lead and agreed on next steps.
She is happy to let the school intervene at first and let the matter go as long as it stops immediately.
She is fully concentrating on GCSE preparation and wants to keep all her focus on her exams (and preparing for end of school celebrations with friends :) )

I've had follow up discussions with the year head and the pastoral care teacher at school. They have spoken to our daughter and taken a written statement of the comments that have been made.

They both contacted me and have apologised once again on behalf of the school and shared their disgust and complete shock at the comments - both at their content and because the boy making them is an otherwise well-behaved and liked boy. They have good links with the family as he is one of several of the same family to attend the school. They assured us that this will be dealt with swiftly and severely.

I took the opportunity to reiterate to both of them that one more comment from the boy or anything from his group about his reprimand (whatever it may be) and we'll be escalating immediately.
They said that they understood.

Thanks again for your advice all.

Dh is a police officer and said they would be the next port of call for this.

Good luck OP

Good Luck OP and to dd with her exams.

That's positive that the school are taking this seriously. I hope now this harassment will stop for your DD. Good luck with her exams